Canon Televison Review: Two Episodes of Pro Stars

First of all, I apologize for my lack of updates the past two days. However, I haven't been completely inactive the last couple of days, as just yesterday I penned a review of the Nintendo game WCW: World Championship Wrestling over at Axe Bomber Magazine. So, if you want to check that out, head on over to the Bomber now at http://www.axebombermag.com/?p=684. Now onto the topic of today's post, a little cartoon from the early 1990s known as Pro Stars. Pro Stars detailed the trails and tribulations of three world class athletes, Wayne Gretzky, Bo Jackson, and Michael Jordan, in their other lives as a crime-fighting team which proclaimed themselves "all about helping kids". They lived in an underground bunker and were assisted by a technical guru known only as Mom and her young apprentice Denise. The cartoon aired on NBC and lasted only 13 episodes, but in that time had two different theme songs. So, with all that said, let's get on with this review.

Episode 1: The Slugger Returns - In the first episode, the pro stars get a tape from young Jimmy Hanks, whose father disappears after a slight disagreement between the two. As it turns out, Jimmy's father is Slugger Hanks, the curator of the Sports Hall of Fame Museum. Mom and Denise come in and show off some of the Pro Stars' new tools of justice. Mom is an over the top old Jewish woman, even to the point of being overly concerned about money. It's a bit offensive, actually. Anyway, the new tools are a wrist band that turns into a hockey stick and a boomerang puck for Wayne, a bat that shoots out baseballs, has a large powered laser, and shoots out a harpoon grappling hook for Bo. As for Michael, he gets some basketballs that fly or something. Anyway, the team takes off in Pro Star 1, a plane that looks like a sneaker, and head to the Hall of Fame museum.

The Pro Stars meet up with young Jimmy, who explains his dad's disappearance. There's a huge statue of Babe Ruth in front of the building, which will come into play later. When the Pro Stars enter the museum, they are greeted by the sweet sounds of mad man Clockwork Delaronge. who explains that he has kidnapped Slugger and is coming after Jimmy next. A statue of former baseball great Cleets Robinson tries to kidnap the kid, but Wayne's boomerang puck stops that. Wayne's hungry, so the Pro Stars go to the snack bar to watch Wayne eat 55 sandwiches. Seriously, he had a stack of sandwiches as tall as Shawn Bradley. Well, Wayne doesn't get to enjoy his sandwiches, be Clockwork Delaronge sends his robot made up of various sporting goods to push a giant basketball at the team. While Michael and Bo dispose of the basketball, another one of Delaronge's remote control statues makes off with Jimmy while Wayne has his back turned. The gang ends up in the hunter's exhibit, and deal unsuccessfully with a giant grizzly bear and a shark, as Wayne and Bo somehow end up in the shark's stomach while Michael takes the mother of all bear hugs. Meanwhile, Clockwork's Delaronge evil plan is revealed, as he's going to lure Slugger into keeping his scheduled meeting with the commissioner of baseball, who is here to present the Babe Ruth statue. Meanwhile, Delaronge is going to control the giant statue through a device to kidnap the commissioner and bankrupt organized baseball. Must be a Cubs fan. Actually, the real reason Clockwork Delaronge is doing this is because he's upset that he didn't play center field as a kid. Um, ok then.

Anyway, Slugger meets with the commissioner, and the two end up trapped in Babe Ruth's belt. Delaronge demands a ransom of either 100 million dollars or the combined salaries of all the left-handed relievers in Major League Baseball. Even in 1991, I highly doubt a 100 million dollar loss would be enough to completely bankrupt baseball, but what do I know. The Pro Stars, now free from their traps, go after Delaronge in his command center in Babe Ruth's right eye. Jordan tries to fly Pro Stars one into the statue, but Delaronge uses the Babe to deliver Michael nearly out of orbit. Although the plane is crashed, Michael ejects and uses his flying basketballs to remain in the air. Meanwhile, Bo and Wayne climb up the statue with special shoes, and Bo delivers a line drive into the control unit on the Babe's wrist. This causes Delaronge to lose control, but also causes the statue to collapse and hang between two buildings. Wayne and Jimmy end up hanging off the nose of the statue, and with the help of the flying basketball, Wayne is able to guide Jimmy down to safety. Meanwhile, Jordan hands his other two basketballs to Slugger and the commissioner, while Bo uses the harpoon grappling hook feature on his bat to make a temporary rope bridge for him and Jordan to cross into safety. Delaronge leaves and promises he'll be back, and everyone ends up happy as Jimmy rejoins his little league team with the knowledge that his dad will support him no matter what. Afterwards, Bo and Wayne answer various viewer questions. As it turns out, both men like to take naps before games in order to be at their best. Also, Wayne would choose Andre Aggasi as the fourth Pro Star, while Bo went with Nolan Ryan. They are both wrong, as the fourth Pro Star should have been Buster Douglas. Well, this was downright silly, as most of the jokes weren't very good and there's a whole bunch of things that bewilder me, such as why is Wayne Gretzky so hungry? Overall, I guess it wasn't all that bad. I'd give the episode a 4.2 out of 10.

Episode 2: Gargantus and the Highway of Doom -The Pro Stars are hanging out at Mom's gym watching a video sent in by Shelia from a small town in Australia. Apparently a gang of bikers led by a man named Gargantus really took to Mad Max and The Road Warrior, so they decided to start their own renegade gang with mohawks and motorbikes and everything. To make matters worse, Gargantus and his merry men have taken the townspeople hostage, including Sheila's father, and Shelia's brother Keith has decided to do what he can to join the Gargantuans. In this episode, Mom's gadgets include a boomerang with a surveillance camera mounted on top of it, with the camera's feed going into a portable television, as well as a remote control for Pro Stars One, so no one has to be in the plane in order to control it. That has disaster written all over it, as Wayne Gretzky shows by accidentally backing the plane through a wall. But I guess the plane is fine, as we are off to Australia.

While Wayne complains about his lack of food, the Pro Stars crash their plane trying to avoid a kangaroo. As it turns out, that is Shelia's pet kangaroo. Shelia leads the Pro Stars into town, which as it turns out is deserted since Gargantus enslaved everyone. This upsets Wayne because now he can't eat. Bo uses the spyerang to find out Gargantus' location, which is on the top of a giant mountain where's he having the townspeople build him a castle. Even though Gargantus destroys the boomerang with a rock, the Pro Stars know where to go now. However, Gargantus gets Keith to drive a car into a giant boulder, knocking the boulder down the path the Pro Stars and Shelia are coming up. Uh oh. Fortunately, Michael Jordan has a basketball in his pocket which inflates to the size of the boulder. Unfortunately, the plan backfires as the boulder knocks the ball down the hill instead. However, Jordan uses his hops to leap on the basketball and somehow the three put a stop to the basketball. Also, the boulder bounces off the giant ball right back to the mountain, where it lands of Gargantus' driver Froggy. Well, clearly Gargantus is not pleased by this turn of events, and so he sends his gang down there to capture Shelia and the Pro Stars. Despite their best efforts using Wayne's egg pucks (seriously, their secret weapons were pucks that turned into eggs? It would have been more effective had Wayne just fired some pucks in their faces instead). The Pro Stars are captured and thrown into a makeshift prison. But on the plus side, Shelia is reunited with her father in the prison, so that's something.

Fate intervenes in the Pro Stars' favor, as Shelia's pet kangaroo somehow comes up to the prison undetected with the plane's remote control in it's pouch. Also, since the Gargantuans have decided to pimp out Pro Stars One by adding some spikes to it, Michael is able to quickly move the plane into the wall, creating a giant hole and freeing the Pro Stars. To escape, the Pro Stars slow their opponents down by flinging body cuffs on Gargantus' toadies. Well, that certainly was more effective than the egg pucks. However, the Pro Stars are about to be caught, but Michael produces another giant basketball, this one with a ring around it, so the Pro Stars and their crew bounces off into safety. Wayne finds a truck, and the Pro Stars get in to get away from the Gargantuans and for Wayne to find the nearest Taco Bell so he can shut his damn mouth about wanting food. One of the Gargantuans leaps on the back of the truck and has Jordan by the ankles, but Keith finally comes to his senses and pulls the hooligan from the truck to his sure demise. Meanwhile, Bo uses Wayne's high protein chocolate shake to thwart Froggy, so he falls off the bed of the truck. But the Pro Stars are not out of the woods yet, as here come Gargantus, and he's mad. The two sides decide to play chicken and Gargantus wins because the Pro Stars bail out on the giant basketball by poking a hole in it and floating away. But Gargantus does not win the war, as somehow the Pro Stars and Shelia's family is able to steer the ball on top of Gargantus, freeing the townspeople and sending a message to Mad Max imitators everywhere. Afterwords, the family reunites, and Wayne gets blamed for the defacing of the plane after Mom shows up conveniently late. Also, Wayne and Bo answer a question with all the energy of someone wanting to somewhere else at the moment, but unlike Michael, at least they showed up. What a ridiculous episode, it wasn't good, and Wayne's constant whining about food made me want to smack him across the face. I'll give it a 2.4 out of 10 and never think about it again.

Well, thanks for reading. Have any memories about Pro Stars or thoughts about this review. Then share them by leaving a comment. Also, if you have an idea for a future post, then let me know about those either by leaving a comment or sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.

The Canon Review's 10 Greatest Baseball Players of All Time

First of all, I'd like to apologize for the lack of recent updates. I've been pretty sick over the past three days, and only now am I well enough to contribute further to the Canon Review. I have a few things coming up which may or may not interest you, so stay tuned.

Anyway, a reader named Dickson S. asked who I thought were the three greatest baseball players. Mr. S felt that Ty Cobb, Ted Williams, and Mickey Mantle were the three best baseball players. Well, instead of only three, I have decided to name the ten best players in baseball history, according to my opinion, because that's how we roll here at The Canon Review. So let's get started, shall we?

Guys that could be top 10, but are not for various reasons

Oscar Charleston and Josh Gibson: These two are considered to be the greatest players in Negro League history. Charleston was often regarded as a black Ty Cobb, only with more power, while Gibson was  catcher who many experts said had more power than Babe Ruth. Baseball historian Bill James ranks Charleston as the number 4 player of all time, and Gibson number 9. Ultimately, I just don't think there's enough data out there to rate these two players accurately. It's possible that they are among the 5 or ten greatest ball players of all time, but I just don't know.

Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, and Alex Rodriguez: Bonds probably would be in my top 5, and Clemens and Rodriguez would at least be considered for the top 10. However, due to their use of steroids, I can't give an accurate representation of these players until more information comes out (i.e. just how many players were using steroids during their playing time, and how much of an impact did the steroids actually have). So, they're off the list altogether.

Players that just missed the Top 10:

Mike Schmidt: In 16 years, Schmidt led the National League in home runs eight times, led in Slugging Percentage five times, and in on-base percentage three times. He also won 10 Gold Gloves playing one of the most demanding positions on the field (3rd Base). Ultimately, he just fall short, but not by much.

Greg Maddux: With 4 Cy Young Awards, 18 Gold Gloves, and 17 straight seasons in which he won at least 15 games, Maddux definitely has some great credentials. But I only have one pitcher on the list, and I just couldn't put Maddux, as well as Tom Seaver and Lefty Grove, over the pitcher already on the list.

The Top 10:

10. Lou Gehrig - Gehrig not only has a disease named after him, he's also one of the greatest hitters baseball will ever see. Gehrig finished his career with a .340 batting average, a .447 on base percentage, and a .632 slugging percentage. Gehrig is still 5th in career RBIs with 1,995, even though his career was cut at least 3 or 4 years short due to Lou Gehrig's disease. Yes, he played in an era where a lot of runs scored, but according to Adjusted OPS, a stat which accounts for different era and park factors, Gehrig ranks fourth all-time, behind Barry Bonds, Ted Williams, and Babe Ruth. He also played in 2,130 straight games, and, unlike fellow ironman Cal Ripken, his play never suffered due to overuse.

9. Stan Musial - Musial played in 24 All-Star Games, won three MVPs, led the National League in batting average seven times, on-base percentage, slugging percentage, and hits six times each, and led the NL in doubles eight times. He was an above average defensive player at all three outfield positions and first base, and his 3,630 hits currently rank fourth all-time. In other words, Stan Musial was pretty darn good.

8. Walter Johnson - The only pitcher on this list, Johnson was a dominant force, often for teams that were no threat for postseason play. The all-time leader in shutouts (110). Johnson led the American League in Earned Run Average five times, wins six times, and strikeouts a remarkable 12 times. In an era where strikeouts were much rarer than they are now, Johnson had seven seasons of over 200 strikeouts, and two with over 300 strikeouts. Also, Johnson had exemplary control, twice leading the A.L. in fewest walks per nine innings, and finishing his career averaging just over two walks per 9 innings. If they had a Cy Young Award in Johnson's playing days, he would have won at least five, maybe ten. Hell, they should just call it the Walter Johnson award.

7. Mickey Mantle - Perhaps the greatest power-speed combination in major league history. If he had played in an era with more stolen bases, Mantle could have regularly stolen 50 bases a season. He also could knock the crap out of the ball. A 20 time All-Star, Mantle won 3 MVP Awards, led the AL in home runs four times, in walks five times, and in runs scored six times. His .421 on base percentage ranks 19th All-time, and his Adjusted OPS+ of 172 is sixth in Major League Baseball History. Not to mention his seven World Series titles, and his major league record 18 World Series home runs. Mantle is quite deserving of his spot in the top ten.

6. Honus Wagner - The highest ranked infielder on this list, Wagner was one of the biggest players of his era at 5'11" and 200 lbs, and according to many observers, could have mastered any position, but was put at shortstop because that's where the Pirates needed him most. Wagner was an eight time batting champion, a National League record. He also led the N.L. in on base percentage four times, slugging percentage six times, stolen bases 5 times, and runs batted in five times. He did all of this while playing excellent defense at shortstop, which is considered the most important defensive position other than catcher. Currently, Wagner is third all time in triples (252) and eighth all time in hits (3,415). Yet, for some reason, many have forgotten just how great Wagner was. To be honest, I feel six might be too low for Wagner, but I just can't put him ahead of any of the next five guys, so sixth Wagner stays.

5. Ty Cobb - Say what you want about Cobb, but the man could flat out hit. His .366 average is still the highest of all-time. He led the American League in batting average a record 12 times, led in on base percentage seven times, and in slugging percentage eight times. Not only did he win the Triple Crown in 1909 (.377 BA, 9 Hr, 107 RBI), he also led the league in stolen bases that year with 76. Overall, Cobb led the A.L. in steals six times, and RBIs four times. His career total of 892 stolen bases rank fourth all time, and Cobb is second all time in both hits (4,189) and runs (2,246). Not too bad for the Georgia Peach, but the other guys in front of him hit for more power, and Cobb never won a World Series, so Cobb ranks fifth.

4. Hank Aaron - I originally had Aaron at third, but after looking more into it, I decided to drop him down a spot to number 4. Many people still consider Aaron to be the true Home Run King (officially, he ranks second to Barry Bonds with 755). Aaron is the game's all-time leader in RBIs with 2,297, and is third in hits with 3,731. Aaron was a remarkably consistent player, a 25 time All-Star, and a threat for over twenty years. However, I put him at fourth because he rarely dominated over a single season. He only one one MVP and one World Series (both in 1957). He led the National League in batting twice, home runs and RBIs four times, and in total bases six times. Ultimately, Aaron was great, but there were some that were better.

3. Ted Williams - On one hand, Williams never won a World Series and was reputed to be an enormous prick. On the other hand, the man hit as well as anyone that ever played and being a prick does not effect anyone's rankings. Williams won the AL Triple Crown in 1942 and 1947, was a 19 time All-Star, and was a two-time MVP that would have won at least two more had the writers based the award on merit rather than whether or not they liked the guy. Anyway, Williams, the last guy to hit over .400 in a season (.406 in 1941), led the American League in batting average six times, on base percentage a whopping 12 times, and slugging percentage nine times. Williams led the league in home runs and RBIs four times each, and finished his career with 521 homers and 1839 RBIs. Williams may have been a jerk, but he was a jerk that served his country in both World War II and the Korean War as a fighter pilot, flying 39 combat missions. Those wars took out five years of Williams prime, so it's quite possible he could have finished with over 700 home runs and at least 2,200 RBIs. Williams is still the All time leader in on base percentage (.482) and is second all time in slugging percentage (.634). In other words, Williams could play some ball.

2. Willie Mays - Mays was named to 24 All-Star Games, won 12 Gold Gloves for his play in center field, was a two time MVP, and won 1 World Series. Like Mantle, Mays would have had much more stolen bases in a different era, as it is, he led the National League in stolen bases 4 times. Like Williams, Mays missed two years due to the Korean War, possibly taking away 40 or 50 home runs. Mays also played the majority of his home games at Candlestick Park, which was a severe pitchers park. Mays led the NL in batting average one time, slugging percentage five times, and home runs four times. Currently, Mays is seventh all time in runs scored, (2,062), 3rd in total bases (6,066), 10th in RBIs (1,903), 5th in Extra Base Hits (1,323), and 4th in home runs (660). I decided to put Mays ahead of Williams for two reasons, one, Williams played in a much more favorable park (Fenway Park), and two, Mays was a much better defensive player.

1. Babe Ruth - The only player in major league history to be a dominant pitcher and hitter. Ruth was so far ahead of his peers that, in my opinion, he's the clear choice as the greatest player of all-time. As a pitcher, Ruth was excellent, a 20 game winner in two different seasons, and pitched 29 1/3 straight shutout innings in World Series play. As a hitter, Ruth was transcendent. For example, in 1920, Ruth hit 54 home runs for the New York Yankees, more than any other team in the league. Ruth only led the AL in batting average one time, in 1924. However, Ruth led the AL in on base percentage 10 times, in Slugging Percentage 13 times, in home runs 12 times, and in RBIs six times. To this day, Ruth is third all time in home runs (714), second in on base percentage (.474) and first in slugging (.690) and adjusted OPS+ (209). His .342 batting average is currently 10th all time, and Ruth was a member of seven different championship teams. If Ruth had remained a pitcher, it's very likely he'd be a Hall of Famer. As it is, he only became the most dominant hitter that ever lived.

Well, that took a little longer than I thought. Anyway, if you have any grievances or compliments on my rankings, or any ideas for future reviews, let me know. I'm going to lay down for a while, but, as Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, "Dillion, you son of a bitch!"

Edit: Sorry, meant to put a video up to explain that quote. Here it is: