Canon Movie Review: The Amityville Horror (2005)

This movie review is actually the start of a mini Ryan Reynolds marathon here at The Canon Review. See, the other day I was chilling in the pool with a few peeps, and when the topic of Ryan Reynolds came up, I mentioned that I had not seen many of his movies at all. Well, they laughed at me and called me names, and vowed to never speak to me again unless I watched at least four of his movies and wrote up a review on each one. So, in an effort to win back the respect I have lost, here is the first of four Ryan Reynolds movies to be reviewed this week, the 2005 remake The Amityville Horror. Distributed by MGM and Dimension Films, and directed by Andrew Douglas (a first time director who hasn't directed another film since), The Amityville Horror stars Reynolds, Melissa George, Phillip Baker Hall, Jesse James, Chloe Moretz, and Rachel Nichols. In The Amityville Horror, the Lutz family (with Reynolds as George Lutz and George as Kathy) stumble across what they consider to be their dream house. Despite hearing that a brutal murder took place in the same house years ago, the Lutzes decide to buy the house anyway, figuring what's the worse that can happen? Well, as the movie illustrates, a lot can happen. A few notes about this film:

- Although the book 'The Amityville Horror' is supposedly based on a true story, this version bears little resemblence to the original source material.  Yes, the characters are still named the Lutzes and they live in a haunted house in Long Island, but this version has the father go crazy a la Jack Torrance in The Shining, to the point where I kind of expected Reynolds to chop through the door with an ax and yell "Here's Johnny!" The actual George Lutz wasn't really pleased with Reynolds' portrayal of him, so he decided to sue the makers of the movie. I don't really know what the result of the lawsuit was, but Lutz passed away not long after filing suit.

- The Amityville Horror was directed by Andrew Douglas, but it was also produced by Michael Bay, and this film has Bay's influence all over it. As such, the film looks sharp and there are lots of special effects thrown in there seemingly just to throw them in there. Since the movie's script was kind of thin, Douglas decided to compensate by throwing nearly every horror movie cliche in that he could think of. From maggots on the wall, to visions of blood spewing everywhere, to an attack by a bunch of flies, to George nearly being drowned in the bathtub for whatever reason, this film tries hard to fit in as much cliches as possible. Also, the script writers decided that a ghost of one of the murder victims, a little girl named Jodi, would make a great addition to the story, so they threw her in there so she could torture a mean babysitter from her life. What fun!

- As far as the acting goes, I'll be kind and say that it wasn't too bad. Reynolds was decent as George Lutz. Yes, he was basically doing an impression of Jack Nicholson in The Shining, but at least he was halfway convincing as a man that had lost his mind. Although I get the feeling that he was cast not only because of his acting talents, but because of his abs, as he is shirtless for almost half the movie. Also, for some reason, George begins to have an obsession with chopping firewood, which I guess is meant to be a sign that a man is losing his mind. As Kathy Lutz, Melissa George was competent enough, although the script mainly portrayed her as little more than a hapless victim throughout the majority of the film. The child actors (James, Moretz, and Jimmy Bennett), aren't too bad, I suppose.

- However, if I was George Lutz and I had inherited a brood like that after marrying Kathy, I might go insane after a while myself. Michael (Bennett) is a strange little kid, but he's the least of George's problems. The oldest one, Billy, is not very fond of George and spends most of the movie whining about how he's old enough to do this or that or whatever, while the daughter Chelsea is seemingly possessed by a dead girl to the point where she nearly jumps off the damn roof, and then screams at her mother after she denies the existence of the dead girl. Worse yet, the dang dog won't stop barking and somehow finds his way into the boathouse every night. Yeah, the house being haunted may not have helped George's state of mind, but the kids and the dog did him no favors either.

- One of the more ridiculous sideplots of the movie involved the babysitter (Nichols). It starts will Billy quibbling about not needing a babysitter to the point where you want George to send Billy out to cut some more firewood so he can get the hell off the screen, and then here comes the babysitter, looking as if she came out of the pages of Young Hooker Monthly. Instead of sending this girl away, George makes some crack to Billy about wanting a sitter now and the couple goes on their merry way. While at the house, the babysitter smokes some pot, hangs out on Billy's bed and seems to want to jump the little tyke's bones before telling Billy about the murders that took place here. She then goes up to Chelsea's room, and she's saying something about Jodi not liking her or something, and eventually Billy makes a dare with the sitter to go into the closet where Jodi was murdered. Well, she goes in there, and here's Jodi. Naturally, the door will not open, so the sitter's in there with a crazed Jodi, whom for some reason makes the sitter feel her bullet hole and causes all sort of fast-cut chaos before the sitter is wheeled out shaking on a stretcher. You know what? Describing it isn't enough, so WHO WANTS TO SEE IT?



Overall, I'm not a fan of this movie. At times, the movie jumped around at a breakneck pace, so you never got any real sense of what George and Kathy were like before all the craziness started happening. The movie relied way too much on special effects and horror cliches, and the actors had little to do but just react to whatever CGI madness they were supposed to react to. Also, for what is supposed to be a 'true story', there are way too many elements of the story that are too remarkable to be true. At the end of the day, what you get is a mediocre at best horror film that is short on story and horror, but not short of special effects. I'd give it a 3 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for future posts on this blog, or thoughts about this movie, then share those either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.

Canon MST3K Review: Parts: The Clonus Horror

Episode 811 of Mystery Science Theater 3000 featured the 1979 movie Parts: The Clonus Horror. Directed by Robert Fiveson, who did not direct another feature film before or since, Parts: The Clonus Horror stars Peter Graves, Dick Sargent (Bewitched), Keenan Wynn (Nashville, Dr. Strangelove), and Tim Donnelly (Emergency!). In this film, a group of scientists run a clone farm known as Clonus, in which the clones are brainwashed and are put through numerous exercises in order to keep in shape. When the time is right, the clones are eventually chosen to be sent to the great land known as America. In actuality, the clones are killed off and harvested for organs so that those fortunate enough to be cloned (i.e. rich white people) can live longer. However, a clone named Richard (Donnelly) discovers an empty Old Milwaukee beer can in the river and starts to get curious about where this great beer can came from. Also, Richard meets up with a girl named Lena, and they both have some tag implanted in their ears which I guess signifies that they haven't been lobotomized, although judging by the blank stares on their faces for most of the movie you sure couldn't tell. Anyway, a few notes about this movie, and there are SPOILERS about this and possibly another film, so read carefully.

- The film's biggest star is probably Peter Graves, and to say that he phoned in his performance would be too kind. According to IMDB.com, Graves did all of his scenes in one day, and after seeing this movie I definitely believe that. Graves plays a presidential candidate named Jeff Knight who makes an appearance at the beginning of the movie then disappears for an hour, only to come back as one of the head men behind Clonus. Not only that, but he's a client, as he had a heart transplant two years prior to the events of this film. Say what you want about the moral implications of Clonus, it is successful, provided of course that you have the money to have a clone.

- The men behind Clonus may know a lot about cloning, but they sure as hell don't know anything about security. When Richard attempts his breakout into America, he is not only able to get into a room with highly confidential material because the door was wide open, but he has time to dig through all the files and even watch half of a video tape while he's at it. Then when he makes his run for it, the guards chasing him only land a glancing blow to the arm despite firing multiple shots, and then for the grand finale, Richard is able to climb over a four-foot fence at the edge of the grounds into 'America'. Um, not to judge or anything, but shouldn't they have built a bigger fence? While they're at it, they could have put barbed wire around it or electrified it or something instead of putting up a fence even Hornswoggle can climb with ease.

- I must applaud the producers for their use of product placement in this film. Not only was there Old Milwaukee mentioned in the film, but the entire student body of Clonus were decked out in Adidas gear. Heck, the beginning of the film might as well been an Adidas commercial as there are countless shots of people running and biking and coaches barking orders all while wearing Adidas clothing. Of course, in the final credits the company name was misspelled as Addidas, but I'm sure everyone got the idea.

- The strangest part of this movie was probably all the clones being drained of blood and stored in vac-dry bags, but a close second would be what took place after Richard broke out and met up with his clone (who just happened to be Senator Knight's brother Richard). After Richard the original leaves the room, his son Rick tries to put the clone at ease and offers him some clothes, but with all the touching and massaging you would think he was trying to seduce him or something. A few minutes later, Richard tries to run out, but Rick catches him, and he ends up just holding the clone against the car while seemingly looking longingly in his eyes. I almost thought they were going to start making out right then and there. Personally, I chalk that one up to bad acting as the actor that played Rick never had another role in anything since, but if they were really trying to put in a homosexual subtext in those scenes then that would just be weird. Not because of the male being attracted to another male part, but rather that the man was attracted to a clone OF HIS OWN FATHER. I mean, that's some Freudian stuff right there. Then again, I may be too tired and just reading too much into some bad acting.

- While Parts: The Clonus Horror wasn't a popular or well-received film, it did have one fan in particular, a Michael Bay. Bay liked the movie so much that he made his own version of it, the 2005 film The Island. This did not sit well with the Clonus producers, so they sued Bay and Dreamworks Entertainment for copyright infringement, citing over 100 similarities between the two films. Personally, I've never seen The Island, and now that I've seen Parts: The Clonus Horror, I guess I don't have to.

- Normally, the host segments in MST3K are some of the best parts of any episode. In this episode, that wasn't really the case, as each segment had Pearl and her gang of misfits entertaining some evil orphan children from space. At first, it was kind of funny, but after the fourth segment or so it just got old. Except for the part where the one kid played by Mike kept throwing balls at Bobo's crotch. I must say that was pretty funny.

- In 1979, short shorts were the style, and this movie had a lot of short shorts. This was not a good thing for the most part, and reached ridiculous proportions once they had Peter Graves sitting down in some mid-thigh shorts. I did not care for that at all.

Overall, Parts, The Clonus Horror actually didn't seem like too bad a concept on paper. However, it's execution is lacking as the movie suffered from poor pacing (You could skip the first 45 minutes or so and not really miss anything important) and a lack of acting talent. Perhaps a more experienced director and crew could have made Parts: The Clonus Horror a good movie that makes the viewer think about such issues like the morality of cloning and the rich-poor themes illustrated in this film, but instead the film comes across as a mediocre sci-fi film that looks like a TV movie of the week. Overall, I'd give the movie a 3 out of 10, and the episode a 5.5 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you any ideas for future posts, or thoughts about this post, than either leave a comment on the blog or send them to me at e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.