A little over a year ago, I did a review of an MST3K episode called Master Ninja I, in which two episodes of the failed 1980s TV Series The Master was presented as one movie. Well, this review is the sequel, Master Ninja II, in which once again, Joel and the 'bots watch two crummy tv episodes jammed into one movie. Yes, that means two more episodes of Timothy Van Patten mumbling through his lines, two more episodes of a stuntman doing all of Lee Van Cleef's action scenes, and two more episodes of throwing stars and smoke bombs. Awesome.
The first episode is titled State of the Union, and guest stars a young Crystal Bernard. She plays a young woman racing against Max in a motocross race named Carrie Brown. Even though Max claims he's faster than a hiccup on greased lightning (I think, although I can't make out what he says half the time), Carrie wins. Yay. Then she turns down Max's advances. Yay again. But as it turns out, Max and the Master are needed, as Carrie has some problems with her boss Chad Webster. See, Carrie is trying to form a union at the cannery, but Chad doesn't want any part of that, and Carrie is convinced that her brother was killed for a similar attempt at forming a union. She then mentions this 34 other times during the episode. As it turns out, Carrie was right about Chad, as he attempts to grab her at a restaurant. But the master saved the day (while Max got his worthless self thrown out of the place) and the three must continue to avoid various attempts on their life. One night, Chad and his thugs run the Master and Max off the road, and the Master is believed to be dead in the crash. Max runs over to Carrie's house, but they're captured anyway. Everybody is taken to the graveyard, where the Master "comes back from the dead", and they have a very confusing fight in the dark graveyard in which somehow, Max and the Master emerge victorious. At the end, Carrie thinks to two for helping prove her brother's murder in a most cheerful manner, and the two leave for another town in the midwest in search of the Master's daughter.
The second half of the movie starts with a bang, as Max is flying a plane he got out of the back of his van (huh?) and rescues a damsel in distress who is driving a fast car with crummy breaks on a cliff. He grabs the girl, and the blond bombshell lands on the Master. As it turns out, she's the daughter of a senator and having a garden party for some European dignitaries. As it also turns out, there's a group a terrorists seeking to kidnap a whole bunch of people at the garden party in the hopes of the release of various political prisoners. Also, George Lazenby is here for some reason, playing a Bond like character who thinks that the Master is a killer. Well, if you saw Master Ninja I, you know that that is true. Lazenby, Max, and everybody else proves useless as the terrorists take about 12 people hostage, including the senator's daughter. At least the Master got one of the bad guys with a throwing star to the back, and Lazenby (or Mallory as he's called here) shoots a tracking device on one of their helicopters. As it turns out, the terrorists are holding the hostages in a giant house right next to the HOLLYWOOD sign. Yeah, that's inconspicuous. Somehow, Max and the Master are arrested for something, but are eventually freed, and the Master agrees to accompany Mallory on a mission to rescue the hostages, but not before a run in with his former pupil out to kill him for leaving Japan or something.
With his escape from his former pupil, the Master gets to the task of rescuing hostages. First, he takes five minutes to climb a rope up onto the roof, and the 'action' begins. Mallory is captured almost immediately, while the Master takes care of one security guard before he too, is captured, but at least he's able to escape by hiding on the roof of a storage closet and taking down a few more security guards. Meanwhile, Max takes out his damn plane from the back of his van and flies onto the property. Both Max and the Master get there just in time to save the senator's daughter from being raped, and the Master frees the hostages and stuffs them in the back of a moving truck. While Max drives off, the Master comes back for Mallory and saves him by tying up the bad guy's machine gun with a rope and then knocking him out with a cartwheel into leaping side kick combo. At the end of the day, Max kisses and leaves again, and they go off in search of the daughter that is never mentioned at one point in this movie.
The acting in this movie/show borders on awful. Except for Van Cleef and Lazenby, you can't even understand half the words the actors say, in part because of bad audio and in part because of the actors themselves. Whoever cast Van Patten as a heartthrob made a huge mistake, as quite simply, he can't act. You can hardly understand what the heck he's saying (something that is mocked to great effect during this episode) and he doesn't exactly fit the profile of a heartbreaker. As far as the action goes, it's cheesy 80s action at it's finest, with car chases and explosions galore. Overall, it makes for a quite humorous episode, as there's just so much to mock here.
The host segments are a mixed bag. The opening segment featuring an improv exercise was well done, as was the Patton spoof starring Crow as Timothy Van Patten 'motivating' his soilders. However, the 70s van segment and the TV detectives pets as determined by Servo segments weren't quite up to the same level.
Overall, this is such a cheesy group of episodes, but Joel and the Bots make it more than bearable. It's actually better than the first Master Ninja episode in my opinion, even without Demi Moore. I'd give the movie a 3.3 out of 10, but the episode a 7.1 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this review, or ideas for future reviews, then feel free to share either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
Showing posts with label MST3K. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MST3K. Show all posts
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Canon MST3K Review: Space Mutiny
Here is a look at episode 820 of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the infamous 1988 film Space Mutiny, or if you prefer, Mutiny in Space. This fine piece of South African cinema was directed by David Winters (who also directed Linda Lovelace for President) and stars a bunch of actors whom you've never heard of and quite honestly will not hear about any time in the near future. There are a lot of things that happen in Space Mutiny, but only a few make any sense whatsoever. I will say that there is a mutiny, in space, led by a Lt. Kalgan, who wants to get out of space and land the space craft the Southern Sun on another planet. The commander refuses to do so because of some decree 13 generations ago. Also, a pilot somehow appears on the ship after an explosion accidentally blows his craft up and kills his professor or something, and all of a sudden the pilot that has little stake in the whole Southern Sun project is fighting Kalgan for control. Also, there's an engineer with a cane that's involved somehow, and the commander's daughter falls for the pilot, so there's also that. A few notes about this episode:
- Honestly, with a movie like Space Mutiny, in which there are so many bad qualities about it, it's hard to pick out where to start. Let's just say that this movie is so bad that neither the director nor the co-director (Neal Sundstrom, who actually directed most of this film) wanted to be credited with the director title of this film. After seeing this, I can see why neither man wanted this mess laid at their feet. The best parts of the film were probably the scenes where they recycled old footage from Battlestar Galactica, and even then, the footage plays backwards. Everything else is either terrible or just strange.
- According to Space Mutiny, in the future, space ships will be equipped with a whole lot of Commodore 64s that run the day to day operations of the ship. Also, there will be keyboards mounted on the walls for whatever reason, and instead of video surveillance of enemy ships, we instead have to rely on a radar detection screen that looks a lot like the old game Asteroids. In other words, man is this film dated or what. Furthermore, the Southern Sun's 'Enforcers' are each given vehicles that look suspiciously like floor buffers and move about as fast as a Power Wheels car. A strange time, this future.
- The main star in this farce of a movie is a pilot named Dave Ryder, who soon after his arrival, becomes the key man in fighting off the mutiny. This in spite of the fact that he only came onto the ship because he crashed his spacecraft into the giant Southern Sun and had to phase himself onto the ship to avoid death, a fate that did befall his professor. Nevertheless, he soon takes over as pilot of the Southern Sun, I guess because the commander's the type of fellow that believes in second chances. Dave is played by Reb Brown, and if you want any idea of his acting style, think Dolph Lundgren without the charisma and add a girly scream. At least Reb looks the part of an action hero, as he looks like he lifts weights about 10 hours a day. This leads to the MST3K crew coming up with humourus 'manly' names throughout the movie like Punch Rockgroin, Slate Slabrock, Flint Ironstag, and my favorite, Big McLargehuge.
- Dave eventually falls for the commander's daughter Lea (Cisse Cameron), who looks more like the commander's younger sister than daughter. Even though Lea is supposed to be the young hottie in the film, she's actually in her late thirties and has a hairstyle that makes her look fifteen years older than that. Lea, like most women on this ship, is primarily adorned in a one piece leotard with silver fringes around the shoulder. I guess in the future, the men get to wear full body uniforms and the women, well, do not. Anyway, Lea seduces Big McLargehuge with a dance that involves a hula hoop and rhythm less dancing, which was supposed to be seductive but comes across as just plain weird. The two then begin a whirlwind romance in which they show very little chemistry. Interestingly enough, Brown and Cameron are married to each other in real life, which seems to prove the old adage that if an on-screen couple is incapable of showing romantic chemistry on-screen, then they must be involved off-screen. Lea must be a hard person to control, as the commander expresses that he wishes he could control Lea 'as well as I can control this ship'. He says this, by the way, during the middle of a MUTINY. Honestly, I can't believe this commander could have authority over a ham sandwich, much less an entire space ship.
- Of course, no summary of Space Mutiny could be complete without mentioning the leader of the Mutiny, Col. Elijah Kalgan. Played by John Phillip Law. Kalgan is the epitome of evil. After all, he uses an evil, manacial laugh at least 10 times during the film, so you know he must be bad. Kalgan also employs a stare in which it looks as if he's trying to force his skull out of his skin. He also seems to be a fan of torture, and is rarely seen without his personal bodyguard (who is a rather normal looking guy instead of a musclehead like our hero) around. One could argue that Law was overacting as Kalgan, but considering the lack of acting around him, it was at least refreshing to see someone try in this film.
- Man, this movie loved the use of railings. Since the majority of Space Mutiny seemed to be set in a water treatment plant, there were a lot of stair cases and catwalks to be used, and by God they used those to great effect. There were at least 15 people killed off in this movie that either flipped over a railing or were blown off a catwalk and landed on the ground. Heck, somebody even made a compilation video of all the 'railing' deaths in Space Mutiny:
Overall, this episode is one of those that stand out just because of how bad this film is. Any time a character is killed off in one scene and somehow shows up in the next scene, well, you know you've got an all-time bad movie on hand. The skits in this episode were average at best, but the riffing on the movie is hilarious. Overall, I'd give the movie an 0.56 out of 10, but the episode a 7.9 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this post, or ideas for future reviews, than share those thoughts and ideas either by leaving a comment on the blog or by sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.
- Honestly, with a movie like Space Mutiny, in which there are so many bad qualities about it, it's hard to pick out where to start. Let's just say that this movie is so bad that neither the director nor the co-director (Neal Sundstrom, who actually directed most of this film) wanted to be credited with the director title of this film. After seeing this, I can see why neither man wanted this mess laid at their feet. The best parts of the film were probably the scenes where they recycled old footage from Battlestar Galactica, and even then, the footage plays backwards. Everything else is either terrible or just strange.
- According to Space Mutiny, in the future, space ships will be equipped with a whole lot of Commodore 64s that run the day to day operations of the ship. Also, there will be keyboards mounted on the walls for whatever reason, and instead of video surveillance of enemy ships, we instead have to rely on a radar detection screen that looks a lot like the old game Asteroids. In other words, man is this film dated or what. Furthermore, the Southern Sun's 'Enforcers' are each given vehicles that look suspiciously like floor buffers and move about as fast as a Power Wheels car. A strange time, this future.
- The main star in this farce of a movie is a pilot named Dave Ryder, who soon after his arrival, becomes the key man in fighting off the mutiny. This in spite of the fact that he only came onto the ship because he crashed his spacecraft into the giant Southern Sun and had to phase himself onto the ship to avoid death, a fate that did befall his professor. Nevertheless, he soon takes over as pilot of the Southern Sun, I guess because the commander's the type of fellow that believes in second chances. Dave is played by Reb Brown, and if you want any idea of his acting style, think Dolph Lundgren without the charisma and add a girly scream. At least Reb looks the part of an action hero, as he looks like he lifts weights about 10 hours a day. This leads to the MST3K crew coming up with humourus 'manly' names throughout the movie like Punch Rockgroin, Slate Slabrock, Flint Ironstag, and my favorite, Big McLargehuge.
- Dave eventually falls for the commander's daughter Lea (Cisse Cameron), who looks more like the commander's younger sister than daughter. Even though Lea is supposed to be the young hottie in the film, she's actually in her late thirties and has a hairstyle that makes her look fifteen years older than that. Lea, like most women on this ship, is primarily adorned in a one piece leotard with silver fringes around the shoulder. I guess in the future, the men get to wear full body uniforms and the women, well, do not. Anyway, Lea seduces Big McLargehuge with a dance that involves a hula hoop and rhythm less dancing, which was supposed to be seductive but comes across as just plain weird. The two then begin a whirlwind romance in which they show very little chemistry. Interestingly enough, Brown and Cameron are married to each other in real life, which seems to prove the old adage that if an on-screen couple is incapable of showing romantic chemistry on-screen, then they must be involved off-screen. Lea must be a hard person to control, as the commander expresses that he wishes he could control Lea 'as well as I can control this ship'. He says this, by the way, during the middle of a MUTINY. Honestly, I can't believe this commander could have authority over a ham sandwich, much less an entire space ship.
- Of course, no summary of Space Mutiny could be complete without mentioning the leader of the Mutiny, Col. Elijah Kalgan. Played by John Phillip Law. Kalgan is the epitome of evil. After all, he uses an evil, manacial laugh at least 10 times during the film, so you know he must be bad. Kalgan also employs a stare in which it looks as if he's trying to force his skull out of his skin. He also seems to be a fan of torture, and is rarely seen without his personal bodyguard (who is a rather normal looking guy instead of a musclehead like our hero) around. One could argue that Law was overacting as Kalgan, but considering the lack of acting around him, it was at least refreshing to see someone try in this film.
- Man, this movie loved the use of railings. Since the majority of Space Mutiny seemed to be set in a water treatment plant, there were a lot of stair cases and catwalks to be used, and by God they used those to great effect. There were at least 15 people killed off in this movie that either flipped over a railing or were blown off a catwalk and landed on the ground. Heck, somebody even made a compilation video of all the 'railing' deaths in Space Mutiny:
Overall, this episode is one of those that stand out just because of how bad this film is. Any time a character is killed off in one scene and somehow shows up in the next scene, well, you know you've got an all-time bad movie on hand. The skits in this episode were average at best, but the riffing on the movie is hilarious. Overall, I'd give the movie an 0.56 out of 10, but the episode a 7.9 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this post, or ideas for future reviews, than share those thoughts and ideas either by leaving a comment on the blog or by sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Canon MST3K Review: The Beatniks
Today review is a look back at episode 415 of Mystery Science Theater 3000, The Beatniks. Released in 1960 and directed by Paul Frees (the voice of Boris Badenov and the original voice of the Pillsbury Doughboy) in his only directorial effort, The Beatniks stars Tony Travis, Karen Kadler, Peter Breck (who starred on Maverick and The Big Valley), Joyce Henry, Bob Wells, and Sam Edwards (the banker on Little House on the Prairie. In The Beatniks, a young singer named Eddy Crane (Travis) is discovered at a diner by an agent named Bayliss (Charles Delaney), whose car just happened to break down in front of the diner. The agent is so impressed that he offers Eddy a spot on a talent showcase, and Eddy wows the audience. Along the way, he falls for Bayliss's assistant Helen (Henry). The only thing keeping Eddy from being a star is his beatnik friends, particularly his girlfriend Iris (Kadler) and the mentally unbalanced Bob Mooney (Breck). A few notes about this episode, and there will be SPOILERS, so read carefully.
- This movie has many problems going for it. However, the biggest problem is that in a movie called The Beatniks, there are no actual beatniks in this movie. Where are the bongos? the berets? the weird facial hair? There's not even a hint of beat poetry in this film. Instead, these so-called 'Beatniks' are usually adorned in leather coats and seem more like a 'greaser' gang than anything else. They seem to prefer generic 50s style rock music, and the only thing that could be defined as 'counter-culture' about them is their criminal lifestyle. There's nothing resembling anything related to Jack Kerouac and Allan Ginsburg in this movie whatsoever.
- The leader of the gang is Eddy. He and his gang go and rob the same liquor store over and over whenever they need money, wearing some sort of crude homemade kabuki masks as a disguise. After a chance meeting with an agent at a diner (after they damaged his car, mind you). The agent, Delaney goes all ga-ga over Eddy's voice and offers him a chance to sing. While Eddy's voice isn't too bad, the problem is that it's rather obvious that the actor (Tony Travis) is lip-synching the song, and rather poorly I might add. Since about a fourth of this movie is devoted to showing Eddy sing, that tends to become a problem. While most of the songs are you typical generic love songs that one would expect from a poor man's Perry Como, Eddy's first song in the diner has some lyrics that are, well, interesting, with a chorus of 'Sideburns don't need sympathy'. They don't? Besides, how would Eddy know, since he doesn't even have any.
- Eddy has two main love interests in this film. His original girl is Iris (Kadler), a clingy type who becomes kind of annoying after a while. Not to be mean, but I assume Eddy dates her because she has a car or something. After Eddy starts his singing career, he starts to fall for his agent's assistant, a platinum blonde named Helen. Helen has a smile that reminds me of the pro wrestler Edge, and that's not necessarily a compliment. I wouldn't say she's bad looking, but her eyes and mouth seem to be too big for her face. As the movie progresses, a love triangle ensues, although it's not all together suspenseful and the movie makes it pretty obvious who Eddy prefers.
- Despite being a bunch of hooligans who are called beatniks but not actually beatniks, Eddy and the rest of his gang are mainly just a bunch of harmless goofballs who just happen to be too rowdy for their own good. That is, except for Bob 'Moon' Mooney. To say that Mooney was crazy would be an understatement. He walked around as if he were on an all-day heroin binge, and did strange things frequently, such as grinding his hips against a table while sitting down. Mooney becomes so unhinged that he becomes a danger to friend and foe alike, and eventually he kills a bartender. While Mooney was meant to be a bit of a nut, actor Peter Breck does such an over-the-top and hammy job that it makes Mooney look like a second-rate caricature of a psychotic man. For example, when a hotel clerk comes to tell the gang that they're making too much noise, Mooney gets right in the guy's face, and with a crazy look in his eye, puts his finger on his throat, and says that if the hotel manager tells anyone about this, he'll 'moon you'. I guess that had a different meaning back then. Mooney later has a meltdown in the hotel room, which is one of the worst examples of overacting that I've ever seen. I was shocked to learn that Breck had the most successful career of anybody in this film, as he's just terrible in The Beatniks.
- This episode also features a short clip from General Hospital, circa 1963 or so. It's quite a dull clip, as four people are having dinner, with two of them celebrating their recent engagement and the other two just look bored out of their minds. The segment is by far the weakest of the episode. The host segments in this episode were pretty good, all in all, particularly Joel and the 'bots explaining how to define a beatnik and the rise and fall of musical sensation Tom Servo.
Overall, yes, The Beatniks is a bad movie. But it's the type of bad movie that is full of unintentional comedy and, while dumb, isn't painful to watch a la Red Zone Cuba. There are quite a few laughs in this episode, and the overacting of Mooney provides many comedic moments. Overall, I'd give the movie a 2.8 out of 10, but the episode a 7.3 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this or other posts, or ideas for future posts, than let me know about them either by leaving a comment on the blog or sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.
- This movie has many problems going for it. However, the biggest problem is that in a movie called The Beatniks, there are no actual beatniks in this movie. Where are the bongos? the berets? the weird facial hair? There's not even a hint of beat poetry in this film. Instead, these so-called 'Beatniks' are usually adorned in leather coats and seem more like a 'greaser' gang than anything else. They seem to prefer generic 50s style rock music, and the only thing that could be defined as 'counter-culture' about them is their criminal lifestyle. There's nothing resembling anything related to Jack Kerouac and Allan Ginsburg in this movie whatsoever.
- The leader of the gang is Eddy. He and his gang go and rob the same liquor store over and over whenever they need money, wearing some sort of crude homemade kabuki masks as a disguise. After a chance meeting with an agent at a diner (after they damaged his car, mind you). The agent, Delaney goes all ga-ga over Eddy's voice and offers him a chance to sing. While Eddy's voice isn't too bad, the problem is that it's rather obvious that the actor (Tony Travis) is lip-synching the song, and rather poorly I might add. Since about a fourth of this movie is devoted to showing Eddy sing, that tends to become a problem. While most of the songs are you typical generic love songs that one would expect from a poor man's Perry Como, Eddy's first song in the diner has some lyrics that are, well, interesting, with a chorus of 'Sideburns don't need sympathy'. They don't? Besides, how would Eddy know, since he doesn't even have any.
- Eddy has two main love interests in this film. His original girl is Iris (Kadler), a clingy type who becomes kind of annoying after a while. Not to be mean, but I assume Eddy dates her because she has a car or something. After Eddy starts his singing career, he starts to fall for his agent's assistant, a platinum blonde named Helen. Helen has a smile that reminds me of the pro wrestler Edge, and that's not necessarily a compliment. I wouldn't say she's bad looking, but her eyes and mouth seem to be too big for her face. As the movie progresses, a love triangle ensues, although it's not all together suspenseful and the movie makes it pretty obvious who Eddy prefers.
- Despite being a bunch of hooligans who are called beatniks but not actually beatniks, Eddy and the rest of his gang are mainly just a bunch of harmless goofballs who just happen to be too rowdy for their own good. That is, except for Bob 'Moon' Mooney. To say that Mooney was crazy would be an understatement. He walked around as if he were on an all-day heroin binge, and did strange things frequently, such as grinding his hips against a table while sitting down. Mooney becomes so unhinged that he becomes a danger to friend and foe alike, and eventually he kills a bartender. While Mooney was meant to be a bit of a nut, actor Peter Breck does such an over-the-top and hammy job that it makes Mooney look like a second-rate caricature of a psychotic man. For example, when a hotel clerk comes to tell the gang that they're making too much noise, Mooney gets right in the guy's face, and with a crazy look in his eye, puts his finger on his throat, and says that if the hotel manager tells anyone about this, he'll 'moon you'. I guess that had a different meaning back then. Mooney later has a meltdown in the hotel room, which is one of the worst examples of overacting that I've ever seen. I was shocked to learn that Breck had the most successful career of anybody in this film, as he's just terrible in The Beatniks.
- This episode also features a short clip from General Hospital, circa 1963 or so. It's quite a dull clip, as four people are having dinner, with two of them celebrating their recent engagement and the other two just look bored out of their minds. The segment is by far the weakest of the episode. The host segments in this episode were pretty good, all in all, particularly Joel and the 'bots explaining how to define a beatnik and the rise and fall of musical sensation Tom Servo.
Overall, yes, The Beatniks is a bad movie. But it's the type of bad movie that is full of unintentional comedy and, while dumb, isn't painful to watch a la Red Zone Cuba. There are quite a few laughs in this episode, and the overacting of Mooney provides many comedic moments. Overall, I'd give the movie a 2.8 out of 10, but the episode a 7.3 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this or other posts, or ideas for future posts, than let me know about them either by leaving a comment on the blog or sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Canon MST3K Review: Parts: The Clonus Horror
Episode 811 of Mystery Science Theater 3000 featured the 1979 movie Parts: The Clonus Horror. Directed by Robert Fiveson, who did not direct another feature film before or since, Parts: The Clonus Horror stars Peter Graves, Dick Sargent (Bewitched), Keenan Wynn (Nashville, Dr. Strangelove), and Tim Donnelly (Emergency!). In this film, a group of scientists run a clone farm known as Clonus, in which the clones are brainwashed and are put through numerous exercises in order to keep in shape. When the time is right, the clones are eventually chosen to be sent to the great land known as America. In actuality, the clones are killed off and harvested for organs so that those fortunate enough to be cloned (i.e. rich white people) can live longer. However, a clone named Richard (Donnelly) discovers an empty Old Milwaukee beer can in the river and starts to get curious about where this great beer can came from. Also, Richard meets up with a girl named Lena, and they both have some tag implanted in their ears which I guess signifies that they haven't been lobotomized, although judging by the blank stares on their faces for most of the movie you sure couldn't tell. Anyway, a few notes about this movie, and there are SPOILERS about this and possibly another film, so read carefully.
- The film's biggest star is probably Peter Graves, and to say that he phoned in his performance would be too kind. According to IMDB.com, Graves did all of his scenes in one day, and after seeing this movie I definitely believe that. Graves plays a presidential candidate named Jeff Knight who makes an appearance at the beginning of the movie then disappears for an hour, only to come back as one of the head men behind Clonus. Not only that, but he's a client, as he had a heart transplant two years prior to the events of this film. Say what you want about the moral implications of Clonus, it is successful, provided of course that you have the money to have a clone.
- The men behind Clonus may know a lot about cloning, but they sure as hell don't know anything about security. When Richard attempts his breakout into America, he is not only able to get into a room with highly confidential material because the door was wide open, but he has time to dig through all the files and even watch half of a video tape while he's at it. Then when he makes his run for it, the guards chasing him only land a glancing blow to the arm despite firing multiple shots, and then for the grand finale, Richard is able to climb over a four-foot fence at the edge of the grounds into 'America'. Um, not to judge or anything, but shouldn't they have built a bigger fence? While they're at it, they could have put barbed wire around it or electrified it or something instead of putting up a fence even Hornswoggle can climb with ease.
- I must applaud the producers for their use of product placement in this film. Not only was there Old Milwaukee mentioned in the film, but the entire student body of Clonus were decked out in Adidas gear. Heck, the beginning of the film might as well been an Adidas commercial as there are countless shots of people running and biking and coaches barking orders all while wearing Adidas clothing. Of course, in the final credits the company name was misspelled as Addidas, but I'm sure everyone got the idea.
- The strangest part of this movie was probably all the clones being drained of blood and stored in vac-dry bags, but a close second would be what took place after Richard broke out and met up with his clone (who just happened to be Senator Knight's brother Richard). After Richard the original leaves the room, his son Rick tries to put the clone at ease and offers him some clothes, but with all the touching and massaging you would think he was trying to seduce him or something. A few minutes later, Richard tries to run out, but Rick catches him, and he ends up just holding the clone against the car while seemingly looking longingly in his eyes. I almost thought they were going to start making out right then and there. Personally, I chalk that one up to bad acting as the actor that played Rick never had another role in anything since, but if they were really trying to put in a homosexual subtext in those scenes then that would just be weird. Not because of the male being attracted to another male part, but rather that the man was attracted to a clone OF HIS OWN FATHER. I mean, that's some Freudian stuff right there. Then again, I may be too tired and just reading too much into some bad acting.
- While Parts: The Clonus Horror wasn't a popular or well-received film, it did have one fan in particular, a Michael Bay. Bay liked the movie so much that he made his own version of it, the 2005 film The Island. This did not sit well with the Clonus producers, so they sued Bay and Dreamworks Entertainment for copyright infringement, citing over 100 similarities between the two films. Personally, I've never seen The Island, and now that I've seen Parts: The Clonus Horror, I guess I don't have to.
- Normally, the host segments in MST3K are some of the best parts of any episode. In this episode, that wasn't really the case, as each segment had Pearl and her gang of misfits entertaining some evil orphan children from space. At first, it was kind of funny, but after the fourth segment or so it just got old. Except for the part where the one kid played by Mike kept throwing balls at Bobo's crotch. I must say that was pretty funny.
- In 1979, short shorts were the style, and this movie had a lot of short shorts. This was not a good thing for the most part, and reached ridiculous proportions once they had Peter Graves sitting down in some mid-thigh shorts. I did not care for that at all.
Overall, Parts, The Clonus Horror actually didn't seem like too bad a concept on paper. However, it's execution is lacking as the movie suffered from poor pacing (You could skip the first 45 minutes or so and not really miss anything important) and a lack of acting talent. Perhaps a more experienced director and crew could have made Parts: The Clonus Horror a good movie that makes the viewer think about such issues like the morality of cloning and the rich-poor themes illustrated in this film, but instead the film comes across as a mediocre sci-fi film that looks like a TV movie of the week. Overall, I'd give the movie a 3 out of 10, and the episode a 5.5 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you any ideas for future posts, or thoughts about this post, than either leave a comment on the blog or send them to me at e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
- The film's biggest star is probably Peter Graves, and to say that he phoned in his performance would be too kind. According to IMDB.com, Graves did all of his scenes in one day, and after seeing this movie I definitely believe that. Graves plays a presidential candidate named Jeff Knight who makes an appearance at the beginning of the movie then disappears for an hour, only to come back as one of the head men behind Clonus. Not only that, but he's a client, as he had a heart transplant two years prior to the events of this film. Say what you want about the moral implications of Clonus, it is successful, provided of course that you have the money to have a clone.
- The men behind Clonus may know a lot about cloning, but they sure as hell don't know anything about security. When Richard attempts his breakout into America, he is not only able to get into a room with highly confidential material because the door was wide open, but he has time to dig through all the files and even watch half of a video tape while he's at it. Then when he makes his run for it, the guards chasing him only land a glancing blow to the arm despite firing multiple shots, and then for the grand finale, Richard is able to climb over a four-foot fence at the edge of the grounds into 'America'. Um, not to judge or anything, but shouldn't they have built a bigger fence? While they're at it, they could have put barbed wire around it or electrified it or something instead of putting up a fence even Hornswoggle can climb with ease.
- I must applaud the producers for their use of product placement in this film. Not only was there Old Milwaukee mentioned in the film, but the entire student body of Clonus were decked out in Adidas gear. Heck, the beginning of the film might as well been an Adidas commercial as there are countless shots of people running and biking and coaches barking orders all while wearing Adidas clothing. Of course, in the final credits the company name was misspelled as Addidas, but I'm sure everyone got the idea.
- The strangest part of this movie was probably all the clones being drained of blood and stored in vac-dry bags, but a close second would be what took place after Richard broke out and met up with his clone (who just happened to be Senator Knight's brother Richard). After Richard the original leaves the room, his son Rick tries to put the clone at ease and offers him some clothes, but with all the touching and massaging you would think he was trying to seduce him or something. A few minutes later, Richard tries to run out, but Rick catches him, and he ends up just holding the clone against the car while seemingly looking longingly in his eyes. I almost thought they were going to start making out right then and there. Personally, I chalk that one up to bad acting as the actor that played Rick never had another role in anything since, but if they were really trying to put in a homosexual subtext in those scenes then that would just be weird. Not because of the male being attracted to another male part, but rather that the man was attracted to a clone OF HIS OWN FATHER. I mean, that's some Freudian stuff right there. Then again, I may be too tired and just reading too much into some bad acting.
- While Parts: The Clonus Horror wasn't a popular or well-received film, it did have one fan in particular, a Michael Bay. Bay liked the movie so much that he made his own version of it, the 2005 film The Island. This did not sit well with the Clonus producers, so they sued Bay and Dreamworks Entertainment for copyright infringement, citing over 100 similarities between the two films. Personally, I've never seen The Island, and now that I've seen Parts: The Clonus Horror, I guess I don't have to.
- Normally, the host segments in MST3K are some of the best parts of any episode. In this episode, that wasn't really the case, as each segment had Pearl and her gang of misfits entertaining some evil orphan children from space. At first, it was kind of funny, but after the fourth segment or so it just got old. Except for the part where the one kid played by Mike kept throwing balls at Bobo's crotch. I must say that was pretty funny.
- In 1979, short shorts were the style, and this movie had a lot of short shorts. This was not a good thing for the most part, and reached ridiculous proportions once they had Peter Graves sitting down in some mid-thigh shorts. I did not care for that at all.
Overall, Parts, The Clonus Horror actually didn't seem like too bad a concept on paper. However, it's execution is lacking as the movie suffered from poor pacing (You could skip the first 45 minutes or so and not really miss anything important) and a lack of acting talent. Perhaps a more experienced director and crew could have made Parts: The Clonus Horror a good movie that makes the viewer think about such issues like the morality of cloning and the rich-poor themes illustrated in this film, but instead the film comes across as a mediocre sci-fi film that looks like a TV movie of the week. Overall, I'd give the movie a 3 out of 10, and the episode a 5.5 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you any ideas for future posts, or thoughts about this post, than either leave a comment on the blog or send them to me at e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Today's little piece of Christmas Spirit is episode 321 of Mystery Science Theater, the 1964 cinematic effort Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. This is the second time I've seen this movie, but the first time I was feeling a twinge masochistic and watched the original uncut version without any commentary from talking robots. Starring future Golden Globe winning actress Pia Zadora, John Call as Santa Claus, the guy that played Ralph on the Jeffersons, and a lot of people who inexplicably never acted in another movie again. Directed by Nicholas Webster (who went on to direct an episode of Get Smart and The Waltons), Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is about Santa Claus, who gets abducted by Martians in order to cheer up the autonomous children of Mars. Also, the Martians kidnap two earth children named Billy and Betty along the way, and somehow they team up to bring Christmas cheer and joy to the fine citizens of Mars. But not everyone is happy about this, as a martian named Voldar is concerned that the introduction of toys will make the children annoying and bratty, much like Earth children :). A few notes about this movie:
- In this claptrap of a film, the Martians are presented as highly developed beings who can travel to Earth whenever they please and their ships are built with radar shields so they can't be detected. They also wear green helmets with antennas and skin tight green jumpsuits. Mars also has powerful enough satellites so they can watch Earth programs on their television sets, which concerned Kimar, as his kids seem to do nothing but watch TV. You know, just like Earth. At the very least, Kimar should be thankful that cable television wasn't around back then, or those children would never leave. Also, Mars eats food in pill form, which sounds about as enjoyable as eating dirt, and apparently have never heard of a handshake, as they prefer to greet each other with light headbutts.
- Most of the Martians seem to be of higher intelligence, except for Dropo, who must be the village idiot of Mars. Dropo acts like a dumber version of Barney Fife. I'm not exactly clear what exactly Dropo's role is, but it must be something important considering he's in direct contact with the chief of the Martians. In the movie, Dropo's the token dumb comic relief and he's about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face. After a while, I was rooting for Dropo to be dropped, so to speak. Instead his role just grows and grows, as he becomes a key figure at the end of the film.
- The Santa Claus in this film is not quite as strange as the Kris Kringle in the film I reviewed last week, but is still a bit unsettling nonetheless. Like the other Santa Claus, he is prone to fits of laughter in even the most mundane circumstances. There's one scene in the movie, where Santa and Billy and Betty meet Kimar's kids, Bomar and Girmar (very original names, fellows), and Santa just burst into a serial-killer esque laughing fit. To make things worse, the kids join in, and each of the martian kids (especially Girmar, played by Zadora) have this strange far away look in their eyes while laughing as if they heard the world's greatest joke. It's actually quite unsettling, to be honest.
- Every story must have some sort of conflict, and this movie's conflict comes from a martian named Voldar. We know he's evil because he's the only martian with a mustache. Voldar just hates the idea of Martian children having fun in their lives, to the point where he repeatedly tries to have Santa and the two Earth children killed in gruesome fashion. It's actually pretty heavy stuff for what's supposed to be a kid's movie. Fortunately for Voldar, he's surrounded by idiots, so he gets opportunity after opportunity to thwart Kimar's scheme and prevent Martian children from getting wooden trains and other toys. Unfortunately for Voldar, he's not nearly as smart as he thinks he is, as he's constantly stopped by Santa and Billy. At one point, he thinks he's kidnapped Santa, except it's Dropo in a spare Santa costume which was made for Santa by Kimar's wife Momar. Also, for some reason Momar decided to make Santa a spare beard, but whatever. Anyway, Voldar and his cronies somehow can't tell Dropo apart from Santa, even though Dropo has a GREEN HELMET ON HIS HEAD the whole time, while Santa has not, nor will he ever, wear a green helmet with antenna sticking up. You know, for a technologicly advanced people, the Martians sure are stupid.
- I would be remiss if I didn't discuss Santa's kidnapping. For one, their was a polar bear roaming around, which really was just a guy in a really cheap bear costume. Also, to kidnap Santa, the Martians sent out a robot named Torg to do the deed. Torg looked like an air conditioner with arms and legs and a coffee pot head, and moved about as swift as Cecil Fielder. Why the Martians decided to have Torg as their ultimate weapon is a mystery that will never be solved, as Santa disposed of him quite easily. Finally, the Martians have to come in their themselves, and Voldar freezes a couple of elves and Mrs. Claus (who, in the short time on film she had, somehow was the most annoying character in the movie due to her non-stop nagging), much to the relief of the audience. Finally, they take Santa peacefully, as Santa seemed more concerned about a future tongue-lashing from his wife then anything the Martians may of had in store for him. Perhaps all Santa needs is a good divorce lawyer.
- Not only did this episode feature Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, it also features a performance of one of the greatest Christmas carols of all time, a Patrick Swayze Christmas. Yes, it's as great as it sounds. Just listen to it here:
Overall, this is the type of movie that would probably be made more enjoyable through the use of hallucinogenic drugs. Unfortunately, I don't do drugs, and I don't recommend that you do any either. Actually, this type of movie is just ripe for parody, as it's really so bad that it's funny, and the constant barbs make this episode even funnier. Overall, I'd give the movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martains a 0.90 out of 10, and the episode a 6.9 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
- In this claptrap of a film, the Martians are presented as highly developed beings who can travel to Earth whenever they please and their ships are built with radar shields so they can't be detected. They also wear green helmets with antennas and skin tight green jumpsuits. Mars also has powerful enough satellites so they can watch Earth programs on their television sets, which concerned Kimar, as his kids seem to do nothing but watch TV. You know, just like Earth. At the very least, Kimar should be thankful that cable television wasn't around back then, or those children would never leave. Also, Mars eats food in pill form, which sounds about as enjoyable as eating dirt, and apparently have never heard of a handshake, as they prefer to greet each other with light headbutts.
- Most of the Martians seem to be of higher intelligence, except for Dropo, who must be the village idiot of Mars. Dropo acts like a dumber version of Barney Fife. I'm not exactly clear what exactly Dropo's role is, but it must be something important considering he's in direct contact with the chief of the Martians. In the movie, Dropo's the token dumb comic relief and he's about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face. After a while, I was rooting for Dropo to be dropped, so to speak. Instead his role just grows and grows, as he becomes a key figure at the end of the film.
- The Santa Claus in this film is not quite as strange as the Kris Kringle in the film I reviewed last week, but is still a bit unsettling nonetheless. Like the other Santa Claus, he is prone to fits of laughter in even the most mundane circumstances. There's one scene in the movie, where Santa and Billy and Betty meet Kimar's kids, Bomar and Girmar (very original names, fellows), and Santa just burst into a serial-killer esque laughing fit. To make things worse, the kids join in, and each of the martian kids (especially Girmar, played by Zadora) have this strange far away look in their eyes while laughing as if they heard the world's greatest joke. It's actually quite unsettling, to be honest.
- Every story must have some sort of conflict, and this movie's conflict comes from a martian named Voldar. We know he's evil because he's the only martian with a mustache. Voldar just hates the idea of Martian children having fun in their lives, to the point where he repeatedly tries to have Santa and the two Earth children killed in gruesome fashion. It's actually pretty heavy stuff for what's supposed to be a kid's movie. Fortunately for Voldar, he's surrounded by idiots, so he gets opportunity after opportunity to thwart Kimar's scheme and prevent Martian children from getting wooden trains and other toys. Unfortunately for Voldar, he's not nearly as smart as he thinks he is, as he's constantly stopped by Santa and Billy. At one point, he thinks he's kidnapped Santa, except it's Dropo in a spare Santa costume which was made for Santa by Kimar's wife Momar. Also, for some reason Momar decided to make Santa a spare beard, but whatever. Anyway, Voldar and his cronies somehow can't tell Dropo apart from Santa, even though Dropo has a GREEN HELMET ON HIS HEAD the whole time, while Santa has not, nor will he ever, wear a green helmet with antenna sticking up. You know, for a technologicly advanced people, the Martians sure are stupid.
- I would be remiss if I didn't discuss Santa's kidnapping. For one, their was a polar bear roaming around, which really was just a guy in a really cheap bear costume. Also, to kidnap Santa, the Martians sent out a robot named Torg to do the deed. Torg looked like an air conditioner with arms and legs and a coffee pot head, and moved about as swift as Cecil Fielder. Why the Martians decided to have Torg as their ultimate weapon is a mystery that will never be solved, as Santa disposed of him quite easily. Finally, the Martians have to come in their themselves, and Voldar freezes a couple of elves and Mrs. Claus (who, in the short time on film she had, somehow was the most annoying character in the movie due to her non-stop nagging), much to the relief of the audience. Finally, they take Santa peacefully, as Santa seemed more concerned about a future tongue-lashing from his wife then anything the Martians may of had in store for him. Perhaps all Santa needs is a good divorce lawyer.
- Not only did this episode feature Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, it also features a performance of one of the greatest Christmas carols of all time, a Patrick Swayze Christmas. Yes, it's as great as it sounds. Just listen to it here:
Overall, this is the type of movie that would probably be made more enjoyable through the use of hallucinogenic drugs. Unfortunately, I don't do drugs, and I don't recommend that you do any either. Actually, this type of movie is just ripe for parody, as it's really so bad that it's funny, and the constant barbs make this episode even funnier. Overall, I'd give the movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martains a 0.90 out of 10, and the episode a 6.9 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: Santa Claus
Hey, it's almost Christmas, as I am sure you have noticed. So in the spirit of Christmas I decided to sit back and watch an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. This episode featured the 1959 Mexican film titled Santa Claus, which has been dubbed over for American audiences. Thank God they did, as this film deserves to be appreciated by all of Earth's children. It's just that good. Well, actually it's one of the strangest films I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. Santa Claus was adapted for American audiences by a man named K. Gordan Murray, who also was the narrator in this cinematic effort. In this film, Santa and his child helpers are not situated at the North Pole, but instead they have a compound somewhere out in space, with a powerful enough telescope to zoom in on any house on Earth. Also, Santa has a powerful enemy in Satan, who sends a demon named Pitch to earth to thwart Santa Claus's attempts at bringing joy to all the children around the world. A few more notes about this episode, and yes there are SPOILERS, so in case you want to watch the movie sometime then you may want to stop reading. Then again, I can't see why you would want to, so I encourage you to read on.
- At the beginning of the movie, Santa is sitting on a bench playing a giant organ as children from all around the world sing various songs from their region. The singing is terrible, most of the songs aren't even Christmas songs and the whole thing lasts about seven minutes and is accompanied by Santa playing and laughing like a maniac, which would become a common sight throughout the movie. To make matters worse, the stereotyping of the various kids is politically incorrect at best (especially Africa, and according to this movie, all American children are cowboys). Not only that, but these kids actually spend their days and nights slaving away for Santa's enterprise, taking the place of the elves that normally work for Santa. I guess Santa had his operations base moved into outer space because by golly, there are no child labor laws outside of the Earth's atmosphere.
- After the viewers are tortured with horrendous singing from all around the globe, we cut to Hades, where a few demons in tight red costumes perform a dance number for what I assume is Satan's enjoyment. After that gets completed, a demon named Pitch is selected to muddle up Santa's mission, and if he doesn't do it, Pitch will have to eat a lot of chocolate ice cream. Apparently Pitch is lactose intolerant. Pitch as a whole seems, well, a wee bit effeminate, to say the least, and his skin tight uniform does not do him, or us, any favors. Every time he gets on screen, Pitch is usually seen prancing around like a schoolgirl before doing whatever dastardly deed he's going to do. Although I will say that Pitch does stoop to some rather low tactics to get what he wants, he's mainly used as a source of slapstick comedy until the end, where he finally gets smart and does a couple of things right.
- The story also centers around a few kids from Mexico City. There's Billy, the rich kid who gets a whole lot of toys but only wants more attention from his parents, who instead decide to spend Christmas Eve night at a cocktail party. There's Lupita, a poor girl who only wants a doll for Christmas, yet has never gotten one even though she's been good over the years. Also, there are three young boys who are never named and may or may not be brothers, but they're angry at the world about something so they decide to lash out and eventually, with Pitch's assistance, come up with a plan to kidnap Santa and take all of his toys. Oh please, like they're the first kids to think up that scheme. As it turns out, the worldwide battle of good and evil between Santa and Pitch will be centralized around five children in Mexico. Well, that's nice to know.
- The Santa Claus in this movie is, how shall I put it, crazy as a loon. He is prone to fits of hysterical laughter, has a horde of children working for him, and most disturbing of all, Santa has the power to not only see children while they're sleeping, he can also see their dreams. There are two scenes involving Santa in this film that would freak me the freak out when I was a kid. The first one was when all the kids' letters to Santa came, and Santa, with the look of a Manson follower in his eyes, laughs hysterically while swimming in all of the letters for about a minute before getting to business and reading the letters. The second one is when Santa cranks up the toy reindeer, as in this version, Santa's reindeer are actually toys that need to be cranked in order to work. Anywho, Santa successfully cranks the reindeer, as their toy eyes and legs start to move, Santa starts the chuckle like a madman once again. But what makes it worse is that the toy reindeer join Santa in a laughing fit that makes it both look and sound like a demented creature from a horror film. Also, for some reason there's a pentagram on Santa's wall. Um, I don't think I want this Santa coming down my chimney.
- There are a couple of other eccentricities that I want to mention. One is that Santa has another assistant, and its none other than the wizard Merlin, who provides Santa with some sort of special powder that will put children to sleep, and a flower that allows Santa to disappear. Yes, Merlin the magical wizard works alongside Santa Claus. Why not just toss in Don Quixote while you're at it? The other involves Lupita's dad, who can't seem to find work. The reason behind this might be because he's looking for a job in the early morning hours on CHRISTMAS DAY, where nothing is sure to be open except for the odd bar of club and apparently the nightclub where Billy's parents decided to party at.
Overall, I can't believe this movie was made for kids. It's just way too weird and has a couple of scenes that may very well give me nightmares tonight. It is a rather hilarious episode, as this movie is just begging to be picked apart, and Mike and the Bots do not disappoint in riffing this movie. Overall, I'd give the movie a 0.59 out of 10, but I'd give the episode a 7.02 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
- At the beginning of the movie, Santa is sitting on a bench playing a giant organ as children from all around the world sing various songs from their region. The singing is terrible, most of the songs aren't even Christmas songs and the whole thing lasts about seven minutes and is accompanied by Santa playing and laughing like a maniac, which would become a common sight throughout the movie. To make matters worse, the stereotyping of the various kids is politically incorrect at best (especially Africa, and according to this movie, all American children are cowboys). Not only that, but these kids actually spend their days and nights slaving away for Santa's enterprise, taking the place of the elves that normally work for Santa. I guess Santa had his operations base moved into outer space because by golly, there are no child labor laws outside of the Earth's atmosphere.
- After the viewers are tortured with horrendous singing from all around the globe, we cut to Hades, where a few demons in tight red costumes perform a dance number for what I assume is Satan's enjoyment. After that gets completed, a demon named Pitch is selected to muddle up Santa's mission, and if he doesn't do it, Pitch will have to eat a lot of chocolate ice cream. Apparently Pitch is lactose intolerant. Pitch as a whole seems, well, a wee bit effeminate, to say the least, and his skin tight uniform does not do him, or us, any favors. Every time he gets on screen, Pitch is usually seen prancing around like a schoolgirl before doing whatever dastardly deed he's going to do. Although I will say that Pitch does stoop to some rather low tactics to get what he wants, he's mainly used as a source of slapstick comedy until the end, where he finally gets smart and does a couple of things right.
- The story also centers around a few kids from Mexico City. There's Billy, the rich kid who gets a whole lot of toys but only wants more attention from his parents, who instead decide to spend Christmas Eve night at a cocktail party. There's Lupita, a poor girl who only wants a doll for Christmas, yet has never gotten one even though she's been good over the years. Also, there are three young boys who are never named and may or may not be brothers, but they're angry at the world about something so they decide to lash out and eventually, with Pitch's assistance, come up with a plan to kidnap Santa and take all of his toys. Oh please, like they're the first kids to think up that scheme. As it turns out, the worldwide battle of good and evil between Santa and Pitch will be centralized around five children in Mexico. Well, that's nice to know.
- The Santa Claus in this movie is, how shall I put it, crazy as a loon. He is prone to fits of hysterical laughter, has a horde of children working for him, and most disturbing of all, Santa has the power to not only see children while they're sleeping, he can also see their dreams. There are two scenes involving Santa in this film that would freak me the freak out when I was a kid. The first one was when all the kids' letters to Santa came, and Santa, with the look of a Manson follower in his eyes, laughs hysterically while swimming in all of the letters for about a minute before getting to business and reading the letters. The second one is when Santa cranks up the toy reindeer, as in this version, Santa's reindeer are actually toys that need to be cranked in order to work. Anywho, Santa successfully cranks the reindeer, as their toy eyes and legs start to move, Santa starts the chuckle like a madman once again. But what makes it worse is that the toy reindeer join Santa in a laughing fit that makes it both look and sound like a demented creature from a horror film. Also, for some reason there's a pentagram on Santa's wall. Um, I don't think I want this Santa coming down my chimney.
- There are a couple of other eccentricities that I want to mention. One is that Santa has another assistant, and its none other than the wizard Merlin, who provides Santa with some sort of special powder that will put children to sleep, and a flower that allows Santa to disappear. Yes, Merlin the magical wizard works alongside Santa Claus. Why not just toss in Don Quixote while you're at it? The other involves Lupita's dad, who can't seem to find work. The reason behind this might be because he's looking for a job in the early morning hours on CHRISTMAS DAY, where nothing is sure to be open except for the odd bar of club and apparently the nightclub where Billy's parents decided to party at.
Overall, I can't believe this movie was made for kids. It's just way too weird and has a couple of scenes that may very well give me nightmares tonight. It is a rather hilarious episode, as this movie is just begging to be picked apart, and Mike and the Bots do not disappoint in riffing this movie. Overall, I'd give the movie a 0.59 out of 10, but I'd give the episode a 7.02 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: The Dead Talk Back
After watching White Noise, I was reminded of another movie in which the topic of talking to the dead. This little film is the 1957 movie The Dead Talk Back, which also is episode 603 of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Even though this film was produced in 1957, it was not released until 1993 for some reason. Actually, after seeing the film, it was probably better that it went unreleased. The Dead Talk Back was directed Merle S. Gould and starred Laura Brock, Aldo Farnese, Scott Douglas, Kyle Stanton, and a bunch of other people that nobody's ever heard of. In The Dead Talk Back, a strange scientist named Krasker (Farnese) starts the movie talking about communicating with the dead, but the story changes as Krasker is called in to help investigate a murder that occurred in the boarding house he lives in. From there, the rest of the movie is devoted to the investigation of the murder of a fashion model, Renee Coliveil (Brock), as Krasker attempts to contact Renee to find out her killer. If that sounds confusing, well that's because it is. A few notes from this film, and there are SPOILERS ahead, so if you want to see this movie for whatever reason, then read carefully.
- This episode starts off with a short film about Anheuser-Busch freezing units for grocery stores. It's about as boring as it sounds. The short features a model in a short dress and is apparently mute showing off the various freezers, which I guess is supposed to add some sex appeal to the film but is kind of creepy in a way. Not as creepy as Mr. B Natural, at least, but still. This short film seems to go on forever as the narrator listlessly talks about the various features of the freezers. The narrator almost seemed as bored as the rest of us when mentioned to cooling features of the freezers or whatever. Although I will say, those freezers were mighty appealing.
- The title of the movie is The Dead Talk Back, so you would think this would be some sort of supernatural film. Instead, most of the movie is a rather mundane murder mystery, with the only fascinating element being the choice of the murder weapon. Instead of a gun, which would have been too loud, the murderer used a crossbow, grabbing a window rod and taking the time to sharpen it to fit in the crossbow's barrel. Even back then, I'd imagine that you wouldn't see much murders done via crossbow.
- The film features two cops, one named Lt. Lewis, who is heading the investigation, and one named Harry, who seems to have gotten into the force just so he could beat the hell out of criminals. One more than one occasion, Harry talks about his wish to 'beat the confession' out of various suspects. Actually, that desire to beat confessions out of suspects probably stems from the fact that the cops in this film are lousy at interrogation. The various interrogation scenes are poorly done, as one scene with Kruger (an actor with an awful German accent) features Kruger and Harry just staring into space for a minute while Lewis diddles around with the crossbow. In nearly every interrogation, the two cops asks the suspect a couple of questions, and suddenly the scene peters out with everyone in silence for a few seconds before going to the next scene. No wonder they had to call in the weird scientist.
- Krasker the scientist who talks with the dead may be a bit of an oddball, but in that boarding house he lives in, he might as well be the Fonz. There's Kruger, the weird German type fellow who keeps staring at Renee, Yonger, the music store clerk who has nothing to say to anyone, the rich-boy radio announcer Raymond Milburn, who somehow lives in a room in a boarding house even though his parents are loaded, and the religious zealot Christy Mattling, who spends most of the movie calling Krasker evil for his attempts at talking to the dead. Not to mention the food obsessed proprietor of the boarding house and her daughter, and single-mother whose husband just bolted up and left one day. It's as if the producers tried to cover every single stereotype in one house. Needless to say, that's one boarding house I'd want to stay away from.
- It is made clear early in the movie that Renee is going to die because the narrator informs us on numerous occasions that Renee has x amount of time to live. This constant reminding the audience of Renee's death does nothing other than to suck the suspense right out of the movie. Overall, the narration of a whole really brings nothing to the table, and is kind of confusing because there are TWO narrators (Lewis and Krasker) who switch off during the film as if they're a tag team.
Overall, The Dead Talk Back is about a radio that is supposed to allow communication to the dead, but the radio never works and the whole things turns into a Mentalist style ruse that entraps the killer. So not only is the acting bad, the plot full of holes, the production values shoddy (there are multiple scenes where film equipment such as reflectors are clearly visible), and the characters either annoying or just bad, the movie fails to live up to its name. At least this movie is one of those that is so bad that it's funny, and the episode itself is full of strong riffs, although I could have done without the multiple host segments devoted to parodying the Grateful Dead. Overall, The Dead Talk Back gets a 1.9 score as a film, while the episode gets a 6.1. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this film or review, then feel free to leave a comment. Also, if you have an idea for a future review, then share it with me either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.
- This episode starts off with a short film about Anheuser-Busch freezing units for grocery stores. It's about as boring as it sounds. The short features a model in a short dress and is apparently mute showing off the various freezers, which I guess is supposed to add some sex appeal to the film but is kind of creepy in a way. Not as creepy as Mr. B Natural, at least, but still. This short film seems to go on forever as the narrator listlessly talks about the various features of the freezers. The narrator almost seemed as bored as the rest of us when mentioned to cooling features of the freezers or whatever. Although I will say, those freezers were mighty appealing.
- The title of the movie is The Dead Talk Back, so you would think this would be some sort of supernatural film. Instead, most of the movie is a rather mundane murder mystery, with the only fascinating element being the choice of the murder weapon. Instead of a gun, which would have been too loud, the murderer used a crossbow, grabbing a window rod and taking the time to sharpen it to fit in the crossbow's barrel. Even back then, I'd imagine that you wouldn't see much murders done via crossbow.
- The film features two cops, one named Lt. Lewis, who is heading the investigation, and one named Harry, who seems to have gotten into the force just so he could beat the hell out of criminals. One more than one occasion, Harry talks about his wish to 'beat the confession' out of various suspects. Actually, that desire to beat confessions out of suspects probably stems from the fact that the cops in this film are lousy at interrogation. The various interrogation scenes are poorly done, as one scene with Kruger (an actor with an awful German accent) features Kruger and Harry just staring into space for a minute while Lewis diddles around with the crossbow. In nearly every interrogation, the two cops asks the suspect a couple of questions, and suddenly the scene peters out with everyone in silence for a few seconds before going to the next scene. No wonder they had to call in the weird scientist.
- Krasker the scientist who talks with the dead may be a bit of an oddball, but in that boarding house he lives in, he might as well be the Fonz. There's Kruger, the weird German type fellow who keeps staring at Renee, Yonger, the music store clerk who has nothing to say to anyone, the rich-boy radio announcer Raymond Milburn, who somehow lives in a room in a boarding house even though his parents are loaded, and the religious zealot Christy Mattling, who spends most of the movie calling Krasker evil for his attempts at talking to the dead. Not to mention the food obsessed proprietor of the boarding house and her daughter, and single-mother whose husband just bolted up and left one day. It's as if the producers tried to cover every single stereotype in one house. Needless to say, that's one boarding house I'd want to stay away from.
- It is made clear early in the movie that Renee is going to die because the narrator informs us on numerous occasions that Renee has x amount of time to live. This constant reminding the audience of Renee's death does nothing other than to suck the suspense right out of the movie. Overall, the narration of a whole really brings nothing to the table, and is kind of confusing because there are TWO narrators (Lewis and Krasker) who switch off during the film as if they're a tag team.
Overall, The Dead Talk Back is about a radio that is supposed to allow communication to the dead, but the radio never works and the whole things turns into a Mentalist style ruse that entraps the killer. So not only is the acting bad, the plot full of holes, the production values shoddy (there are multiple scenes where film equipment such as reflectors are clearly visible), and the characters either annoying or just bad, the movie fails to live up to its name. At least this movie is one of those that is so bad that it's funny, and the episode itself is full of strong riffs, although I could have done without the multiple host segments devoted to parodying the Grateful Dead. Overall, The Dead Talk Back gets a 1.9 score as a film, while the episode gets a 6.1. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this film or review, then feel free to leave a comment. Also, if you have an idea for a future review, then share it with me either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: The Creeping Terror
With Halloween fast approaching, many television networks have been showing horror movie after horror movie, full of monsters and mayhem and all sorts of terror. Well, one movie that hopefully will not be shown is the 1964 horror classic The Creeping Terror. Considered one of the worst movies of all-time, The Creeping Terror was produced, and directed by Art J. Nelson, who also starred in the film under the alias Vic Savage. The Creeping Terror also starred a giant monster composed mainly of sewn together carpet pieces and powered by a team of college students. Since the film was shot in the desert, I'm absolutely positive that being under that suit was not a fun experience to say the least. The film also stars a bunch of people you've never heard of, and for good reason. The plot of this monstrosity is rather simple, a monster has landed from outer space, and has started to eat people. So it's up to acting sheriff Martin (Savage), his wife, his deputy, a scientist, and the country's worst infantry unit to slow this thing down before everyone gets swallowed up. A few thoughts about this film.
- The monster, to put it nicely, moves at a glacial pace. I've seen houses move faster than this monster. So to say it's creeping is accurate. Nevertheless, despite its lack of speed, the monster is an effective killing machine for one reason and one reason only. Each one of his victims refuse to escape in any form. With the exception of the boyfriend leaving his girl to die by crab-walking on out of there, the victims just scream a lot and stare into the monster's eyes, waiting for it to crawl over them and swallow them whole. As Mike wondered during the film, "did people not run during the 50s"? Even if the victims were to walk at a brisk pace, they would avoid their doom, but I guess that was just too advanced for this film.
- To make matters worse, since the monster really couldn't do anything, all of its victims had to physically crawl in to the contraption of carpets. This is especially noticable in the first feeding scene, where the girl in the bikini is eaten by the monster. What is also noticable is that the camera lingers for a rather long time on the girl's backside and legs squirming around trying to get out (or in, I suppose) of the monster's clutches. This is not the last time that we get to see this shot, and it's shown so much that I wonder if the director has a fetish involving women squirming in giant monsters or something.
- Most of the film's dialogue is narrated. In fact, the narration is so through that instead of hearing the characters carry out conversations, we basically get a summary of what is being talked about from the narrator. It's kind of annoying, to be honest, and being told that the colonel told the scientist to go to hell doesn't have the same impact as hearing the words from the horse's mouth would. According to rumor, Nelson may not have had much of choice, as it's been mentioned that the original soundtrack was lost and in a last-ditch effort, Nelson was forced to have the narrator talk over the film. Of course, it's also been reported that Nelson just wanted to save money, so he had a narrator talk in a studio over the footage. Considering the poor camera work, lack of production values, and cheap monster, I tend to believe the latter is true.
- Then again, that may have been a smart idea, as what little dialogue spoken by the actors is not only poorly dubbed, but the actors are just awful. It seems as if whoever is in the movie is unable to accurately portray fear, anger, or much else for that matter. Some of the acting is so bad that it needs to be seen to be believed.
- The most confusing sequence in the whole movie, and by golly there are a lot of them, is when Martin brings his deputy Barney over to his house for drinks. About halfway through, the narrator starts jumping in telling the audience about how Martin's marriage has changed his relationship with Barney, and basically saying that Barney should suck it up because getting married is what real men do or something. I think somebody involved with the film was tired of his friends ragging on his marriage. The scene ends with the happy couple making out like two clumsy teenagers, while poor Barney is sitting right next to them on the couch. Well, I think that's just rude, and really puts Barney in an awkward situation. Judge for yourself and see if you agree:
There's more, oh yes, there's more. Like the hootenanny and the third-rate folk rock, and the dance hall scene where all sorts of subplots pop up out of nowhere, and none of them gets resolved. Also, there's the mother that checks her baby's temperature in an unpleasant manner, although thankfully it's not shown, only implied, and that's not even mentioning the worst army in the history of cinema, accepting the team in the Pauly Shore classic In the Army Now. For bad movie lovers, this flick has it all, poor cinematography, a terrible plot, bad acting, bad sound, one of the worst monsters in cinematic history, women dancing in tight pants, and even a preachy message about marriage. Bottom line, this movie is so bad it's good, and the riffing by the MST3K crew, while humorous, is almost unnecessary due to the sheer ridiculousness of the original film. The Creeping Terror is not good, not good at all, but it is oddly captivating and at least it's not as bad as Red Zone Cuba. I'll give the movie a 1 out of 10, and the episode itself a 5.5 out of 10, as there's quite a few funny bits in between the film.
Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
- The monster, to put it nicely, moves at a glacial pace. I've seen houses move faster than this monster. So to say it's creeping is accurate. Nevertheless, despite its lack of speed, the monster is an effective killing machine for one reason and one reason only. Each one of his victims refuse to escape in any form. With the exception of the boyfriend leaving his girl to die by crab-walking on out of there, the victims just scream a lot and stare into the monster's eyes, waiting for it to crawl over them and swallow them whole. As Mike wondered during the film, "did people not run during the 50s"? Even if the victims were to walk at a brisk pace, they would avoid their doom, but I guess that was just too advanced for this film.
- To make matters worse, since the monster really couldn't do anything, all of its victims had to physically crawl in to the contraption of carpets. This is especially noticable in the first feeding scene, where the girl in the bikini is eaten by the monster. What is also noticable is that the camera lingers for a rather long time on the girl's backside and legs squirming around trying to get out (or in, I suppose) of the monster's clutches. This is not the last time that we get to see this shot, and it's shown so much that I wonder if the director has a fetish involving women squirming in giant monsters or something.
- Most of the film's dialogue is narrated. In fact, the narration is so through that instead of hearing the characters carry out conversations, we basically get a summary of what is being talked about from the narrator. It's kind of annoying, to be honest, and being told that the colonel told the scientist to go to hell doesn't have the same impact as hearing the words from the horse's mouth would. According to rumor, Nelson may not have had much of choice, as it's been mentioned that the original soundtrack was lost and in a last-ditch effort, Nelson was forced to have the narrator talk over the film. Of course, it's also been reported that Nelson just wanted to save money, so he had a narrator talk in a studio over the footage. Considering the poor camera work, lack of production values, and cheap monster, I tend to believe the latter is true.
- Then again, that may have been a smart idea, as what little dialogue spoken by the actors is not only poorly dubbed, but the actors are just awful. It seems as if whoever is in the movie is unable to accurately portray fear, anger, or much else for that matter. Some of the acting is so bad that it needs to be seen to be believed.
- The most confusing sequence in the whole movie, and by golly there are a lot of them, is when Martin brings his deputy Barney over to his house for drinks. About halfway through, the narrator starts jumping in telling the audience about how Martin's marriage has changed his relationship with Barney, and basically saying that Barney should suck it up because getting married is what real men do or something. I think somebody involved with the film was tired of his friends ragging on his marriage. The scene ends with the happy couple making out like two clumsy teenagers, while poor Barney is sitting right next to them on the couch. Well, I think that's just rude, and really puts Barney in an awkward situation. Judge for yourself and see if you agree:
There's more, oh yes, there's more. Like the hootenanny and the third-rate folk rock, and the dance hall scene where all sorts of subplots pop up out of nowhere, and none of them gets resolved. Also, there's the mother that checks her baby's temperature in an unpleasant manner, although thankfully it's not shown, only implied, and that's not even mentioning the worst army in the history of cinema, accepting the team in the Pauly Shore classic In the Army Now. For bad movie lovers, this flick has it all, poor cinematography, a terrible plot, bad acting, bad sound, one of the worst monsters in cinematic history, women dancing in tight pants, and even a preachy message about marriage. Bottom line, this movie is so bad it's good, and the riffing by the MST3K crew, while humorous, is almost unnecessary due to the sheer ridiculousness of the original film. The Creeping Terror is not good, not good at all, but it is oddly captivating and at least it's not as bad as Red Zone Cuba. I'll give the movie a 1 out of 10, and the episode itself a 5.5 out of 10, as there's quite a few funny bits in between the film.
Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: The She Creature
Earlier this afternoon, I decided to watch Mystery Science Theatre 3000 episode 808, which is a little movie called The She Creature. Yes, The She Creature is as bad as it sounds. Anyway, this movie was made in 1956 and directed by Edward L. Cahn, who directed a whole bunch of other movies that are nowadays found on DVD for 1 dollar at Wal-Mart, and stars a lot of B-movie veterans such as the leading man of This Island Earth, Lance Fuller. The plot of this movie is as follows; a man named Dr. Carlo Lombardi is summoning up The She-Creature for reasons unknown, and the She-Creature is going around killing people. Meanwhile, Lombardi has a woman named Andrea under his hypnotic trance, and Lombardi is desperate to prove that his whole schtick of reverting people to past lives and summoning sea creatures is all legit. To do so, he tries to convince a Mr. Ted Erickson (Fuller), a professor of Psychic Research. Erickson is skeptical of Lombardi, but becomes smitten with Andrea and spends the rest of the movie trying to free Andrea from Lombardi's psychic hold. A few notes about this movie:
- Man, there's some bad acting in this film. Fuller in particular is just horrible, as his acting ranges from a state of disinterest to acting like he's been shot with a tranquilizer dart. He never bothers to make eye contact with any of the other actors, often has a blank stare on his face, and mumbles his lines to the point where you can't hear what he's saying and he just trails off. The show even featured a skit with Mike Nelson trying to perfect Lance Fuller's particular brand of acting, or non-acting, as it were. As it turns out, it was a little harder than expected, such is the depth of Fuller's wooden performance.
- Meanwhile, Dr. Lombardi, played by Chester Morris, was a deadly serious man who acts as if humor and wit is a foreign concept. He has a creepy relationship with Andrea, sends the She-Creature to kill innocent people for little to no reason and has an ego the size of Montana. Plus, he has a dark thin mustache and wears a cloak, so you know he's evil. He's also much more interesting than Erickson, so you kind of find yourself rooting for him to kill off Erickson.
- It was mentioned during the film that the woman playing Andrea (Marla English) should have been given a Purple Heart for her role in the film. That may be a little far, but considering she spent most of the movie with Lombardi right up in her face the whole time, and Lombardi is not a handsome man by any means, she should have at least been given a bonus.
- The best actor in this cast is, by far, the dog that played King. He barks and growls and cowers on command, and actually shows more than one emotion, unlike most of his costars. Actually, he was the only character I was interested in seeing on the screen.
- Erickson, for reasons unknown to me, hangs around an older rich gentleman named Chappel and his daughter Dorothy, who is smitten with the professor. This in spite of the fact that he expresses on multiple occasions a disdain for the wealthy and affluent. Yet he still keeps coming back to their parties, eating their food and being served by their butlers. What's more, Erickson has a rich, pretty blonde women whose way into him and seems to be pleasant enough, yet he chooses to go after Andrea, who has more baggage than the Atlanta airport and has all the personality of a house plant. Come to think of it, Erickson has that same personality, so maybe they're meant for each other.
- As for the She-Creature, well she's some sort of crustacean type who is about as big as The Great Khali and can not be slowed down with bullets. She also moves about as slow as the Great Khali, and her finishing move is the same as Khali's an overhead chop to the head, which is rather effective with her claw hands. Now, how can you tell she's a She-Creature, you ask? Well, the designers of the costume decided to make the She-Creature rather well-endowed, so to speak, making for one strange looking sea monster.
Overall, I think Mike Nelson summed it up best when he said that he'd like to put this movie in a stump grinder. There's so much wrong with this movie. The acting is terrible, the lighting is nearly as bad, and the plot is rather simple and full of holes to boot. Even the riffs on the movie seemed to be lacking something. I'd give the movie a 2.0 out of 10, and the episode a 4.8 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for future reviews, or comments about this review, then share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com
- Man, there's some bad acting in this film. Fuller in particular is just horrible, as his acting ranges from a state of disinterest to acting like he's been shot with a tranquilizer dart. He never bothers to make eye contact with any of the other actors, often has a blank stare on his face, and mumbles his lines to the point where you can't hear what he's saying and he just trails off. The show even featured a skit with Mike Nelson trying to perfect Lance Fuller's particular brand of acting, or non-acting, as it were. As it turns out, it was a little harder than expected, such is the depth of Fuller's wooden performance.
- Meanwhile, Dr. Lombardi, played by Chester Morris, was a deadly serious man who acts as if humor and wit is a foreign concept. He has a creepy relationship with Andrea, sends the She-Creature to kill innocent people for little to no reason and has an ego the size of Montana. Plus, he has a dark thin mustache and wears a cloak, so you know he's evil. He's also much more interesting than Erickson, so you kind of find yourself rooting for him to kill off Erickson.
- It was mentioned during the film that the woman playing Andrea (Marla English) should have been given a Purple Heart for her role in the film. That may be a little far, but considering she spent most of the movie with Lombardi right up in her face the whole time, and Lombardi is not a handsome man by any means, she should have at least been given a bonus.
- The best actor in this cast is, by far, the dog that played King. He barks and growls and cowers on command, and actually shows more than one emotion, unlike most of his costars. Actually, he was the only character I was interested in seeing on the screen.
- Erickson, for reasons unknown to me, hangs around an older rich gentleman named Chappel and his daughter Dorothy, who is smitten with the professor. This in spite of the fact that he expresses on multiple occasions a disdain for the wealthy and affluent. Yet he still keeps coming back to their parties, eating their food and being served by their butlers. What's more, Erickson has a rich, pretty blonde women whose way into him and seems to be pleasant enough, yet he chooses to go after Andrea, who has more baggage than the Atlanta airport and has all the personality of a house plant. Come to think of it, Erickson has that same personality, so maybe they're meant for each other.
- As for the She-Creature, well she's some sort of crustacean type who is about as big as The Great Khali and can not be slowed down with bullets. She also moves about as slow as the Great Khali, and her finishing move is the same as Khali's an overhead chop to the head, which is rather effective with her claw hands. Now, how can you tell she's a She-Creature, you ask? Well, the designers of the costume decided to make the She-Creature rather well-endowed, so to speak, making for one strange looking sea monster.
Overall, I think Mike Nelson summed it up best when he said that he'd like to put this movie in a stump grinder. There's so much wrong with this movie. The acting is terrible, the lighting is nearly as bad, and the plot is rather simple and full of holes to boot. Even the riffs on the movie seemed to be lacking something. I'd give the movie a 2.0 out of 10, and the episode a 4.8 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for future reviews, or comments about this review, then share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: The Giant Spider Invasion
With a name like The Giant Spider Invasion, you expect that giant spiders will invade Earth and cause a ruckus. Well, in that aspect this movie did not disappoint. However, the movie did manage to disappoint in nearly every other way possible. Yet The Giant Spider Invasion is one of those movies that is so bad that it's good, and made for a rather humorous episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. The Giant Spider Invasion was made in 1975 and was directed by Bill Rebane, who made a career out of directing low budget horror films like this one. The movie stars a bunch of people that made their living doing guest spots on TV shows and playing small roles in movies, including Alan Hale (The Skipper on "Gilligan's Island") and Barbara Hale (no relation, but she did play the role of Della Street in the Perry Mason series). A few notes about this episode, and yes there are spoilers ahead:
- The movie takes a while to get going, choosing to introduce the characters of the film before the spiders start their invasion. This isn't a bad idea, however, the characters are so unlikeable that I just couldn't wait for the spiders to start killing people off. The worst of which is white-trash farmer Dan Kester (Robert Easton), who cheats on his wife, and tries to bed his much younger sister-in-law all in one night. His wife, Ev (Leslie Parrish), is a woman that is either drinking some alcoholic beverage or offering sarcastic remarks towards her husband, although it's hard to blame her considering the lout she's married to. Then there's the sherrif (Alan Hale), who seems like a pleasant enough fellow but spends the entire movie either eating or telling bad jokes or on the phone. Not to mention the stuck-up sexist NASA scientist Dr. J.R. Vance (Steve Brodie), who looks like a heavier Mean Gene Okerlund with a bad rug on his head, and sucks as a scientist to boot.
- The movie starts off with a giant explosion that takes place in Dan Kester's pasture at night. Dan, being the genius that he is, decides that now would be a good time to crash the bed instead of checking out the GIANT EXPLOSION on his property. At the very least, he could have got the heck out of there. Then again, I probably would have done the same thing. There's a man who crashes his motorcycle, and then something happens to him. You can't tell what, because the camera shot has no light whatsoever, and this would not be the first time that the film was shot in almost complete darkness.
- So, with a giant crash out in the middle of Nowhere, Wisconsin, NASA decides to send it's top man, Mean Gen, I mean, J.R. Vance, to meet with a Dr. Langer (Barbara Hale). This leads to a hilarious scene where the two meet, and Vance assumes that he's meeting Dr. Langer's husband, then her father, than her brother, before finally Dr. Jenny Langer informes the pig that it is actually she that has the appointment with a dumbfounded Vance. I guess J.R. Vance is a man from a simpler time, where women weren't astronomers and stay at home in the kitchen. Personally, I was hoping that Langer would slug Vance, but no such luck. Unfortunately, that was the last interesting scene in the movie involving the two until the end.
- Eventually, the giant spider makes his appearance after a subplot of the farmer and his wife finding that all their cattle have been mutilated, but they found diamonds in some rocks (Of course, they failed to notice the spiders that were in each rock, to the point where Ev fixed herself a Bloody Mary without noticing the spiders in the blender.) Normally, I'm not the type of person that roots for the monster or bad guy in films, but in this case, I was cheering for the Giant Spider as if the Falcons scored a touchdown. First the spider kills off Ev, which is unfortunate but not a big loss, but then the Spider disposes of both Dan and his lecherous Charles Manson look-a-like cousin Billy. The spider should have been given an award from the townspeople for that alone.
- The giant 'spider' in this film was actually a bunch of spider legs around a Volkswagen Beetle. In one scene where the spider attacks a slow-pitch softball game, you can actually see the tire tracks the 'spider' leaves behind in its wake. Well, at least it's better than some crappy CGI image of a giant spider that would be used in a film like this today.
Overall, this movie has a lot of issues. For one, there are multiple scenes where Alan Hale is talking on the phone with someone and you're supposed to hear what's being said, but the audio is so low that you can't make out what they are saying. There's a couple of other scenes where you can't hear what the characters are saying, and there are quite a few scenes that are so dark that there's no telling what's actually happening. The effects are cheesy at best, the acting is mostly second rate, and the plot is easy enough to follow, but full of holes. Nevertheless, it's such a cheesy movie that it's actually quite funny even without the digs given by Mike and the Bots, and there are certainly worse movies to watch. Overall, the movie would get about a 2.9 out of 10, but the episode is a solid 7 out of 10. Remember, if you have any ideas for future reviews, or comments about this or previous reviews, then send them to me either by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the blog.
- The movie takes a while to get going, choosing to introduce the characters of the film before the spiders start their invasion. This isn't a bad idea, however, the characters are so unlikeable that I just couldn't wait for the spiders to start killing people off. The worst of which is white-trash farmer Dan Kester (Robert Easton), who cheats on his wife, and tries to bed his much younger sister-in-law all in one night. His wife, Ev (Leslie Parrish), is a woman that is either drinking some alcoholic beverage or offering sarcastic remarks towards her husband, although it's hard to blame her considering the lout she's married to. Then there's the sherrif (Alan Hale), who seems like a pleasant enough fellow but spends the entire movie either eating or telling bad jokes or on the phone. Not to mention the stuck-up sexist NASA scientist Dr. J.R. Vance (Steve Brodie), who looks like a heavier Mean Gene Okerlund with a bad rug on his head, and sucks as a scientist to boot.
- The movie starts off with a giant explosion that takes place in Dan Kester's pasture at night. Dan, being the genius that he is, decides that now would be a good time to crash the bed instead of checking out the GIANT EXPLOSION on his property. At the very least, he could have got the heck out of there. Then again, I probably would have done the same thing. There's a man who crashes his motorcycle, and then something happens to him. You can't tell what, because the camera shot has no light whatsoever, and this would not be the first time that the film was shot in almost complete darkness.
- So, with a giant crash out in the middle of Nowhere, Wisconsin, NASA decides to send it's top man, Mean Gen, I mean, J.R. Vance, to meet with a Dr. Langer (Barbara Hale). This leads to a hilarious scene where the two meet, and Vance assumes that he's meeting Dr. Langer's husband, then her father, than her brother, before finally Dr. Jenny Langer informes the pig that it is actually she that has the appointment with a dumbfounded Vance. I guess J.R. Vance is a man from a simpler time, where women weren't astronomers and stay at home in the kitchen. Personally, I was hoping that Langer would slug Vance, but no such luck. Unfortunately, that was the last interesting scene in the movie involving the two until the end.
- Eventually, the giant spider makes his appearance after a subplot of the farmer and his wife finding that all their cattle have been mutilated, but they found diamonds in some rocks (Of course, they failed to notice the spiders that were in each rock, to the point where Ev fixed herself a Bloody Mary without noticing the spiders in the blender.) Normally, I'm not the type of person that roots for the monster or bad guy in films, but in this case, I was cheering for the Giant Spider as if the Falcons scored a touchdown. First the spider kills off Ev, which is unfortunate but not a big loss, but then the Spider disposes of both Dan and his lecherous Charles Manson look-a-like cousin Billy. The spider should have been given an award from the townspeople for that alone.
- The giant 'spider' in this film was actually a bunch of spider legs around a Volkswagen Beetle. In one scene where the spider attacks a slow-pitch softball game, you can actually see the tire tracks the 'spider' leaves behind in its wake. Well, at least it's better than some crappy CGI image of a giant spider that would be used in a film like this today.
Overall, this movie has a lot of issues. For one, there are multiple scenes where Alan Hale is talking on the phone with someone and you're supposed to hear what's being said, but the audio is so low that you can't make out what they are saying. There's a couple of other scenes where you can't hear what the characters are saying, and there are quite a few scenes that are so dark that there's no telling what's actually happening. The effects are cheesy at best, the acting is mostly second rate, and the plot is easy enough to follow, but full of holes. Nevertheless, it's such a cheesy movie that it's actually quite funny even without the digs given by Mike and the Bots, and there are certainly worse movies to watch. Overall, the movie would get about a 2.9 out of 10, but the episode is a solid 7 out of 10. Remember, if you have any ideas for future reviews, or comments about this or previous reviews, then send them to me either by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the blog.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: The Unearthly
First of all, I must apologize for the lack of activity this weekend, as I pulled a LeBron and took my writing 'talents' elsewhere for a couple of days. As to where that was, I'll have an announcement about that over the next few days or weeks or months ahead. But for now, it's time to get back to whatever it is I do at the Canon Review, and today that is watching episode 320 of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the sci-fi "classic" The Unearthly. The movie stars John Carradine as a mad scientist and the late, great Tor Johnson as Carradine's dumb muscle Lobo. This movie was made in 1957 and was only 70 minutes long, half of which was characters walking up and down stairs. A few notes about this episode, and yes there are spoilers.
- Because this movie is so short, there are two short films shown at the beginning of this episode. The first is a little piece of nostalgia called "Posture Pals", which teachers viewers that unless you have proper posture, you will be nothing but a loser. In this film, four kids whose names I don't care to remember set out to become the posture king, queen, prince, and princess of their class, while everyone else in the class chooses not to participate because they've got better things to do. After the kids, their parents, and a stuffed clown named Bombo help them improve their posture, the kids complete their goal, and each are awarded a crown from Burger King and a silly looking robe. I think I would rather walk hunched over all day than win a 30 cent crown and look like a fool in front of all my classmates, but to each their own.
- The next short is a 1950s piece called "Appreciating Your Parents". In this film, young Tommy spends most of the time staring blankly into space wondering how his room got cleaned. Turns out his mother did it, and Tommy realizes that both his parents do a lot of things for him. So instead of asking for a higher allowance, Tommy decides that it would be better to help around the house more. At the end, Tommy ends up with a higher allowance, so all's well that ends well. This was the least offensive part of the whole episode, to be honest, although the narrator acts a little high and mighty in this short.
- Now to The Unearthly. Here's the thing, despite its title, there is nothing 'unearthly', like aliens or comets, involved in this movie. In fact, the whole movie takes place on Dr. Conway's (Carradine) property, where he does crazy experiments in the name of science, like any other crazy scientist, I suppose. Anyway, Dr. Conway thinks that he's found the secret to the fountain of youth, and so he and his love-stricken assistant Dr. Gilchrest (Marilyn Buferd, 1946's Miss America, btw) tests his hypothesis on patients brought to them by Dr. Loren Wright (Roy Gordon) under the assumption that Conway is treating them for psychological issues. Instead, he implants a 17th gland, which looks suspiciously like a bell pepper, into their bodies to give them eternal youth, but unfortunately, Conway's success record seems to be worse than the Detroit Lions' so he must not be very good at his job.
- The main protagonist is Police Det. Mark Houston (Myron Healey), who gains access by planting an article in the local paper about an escaped convict and then posing as said convict in order to gain access to Conway's lab. As far-fetched as that plan is, it somehow works, and after Lobo brings him in, Conway arranges for Houston to stay and take part in his experiments or else he'll turn him in to the cops. Houston gets to meet the rest of the patients, including an angry young man named Danny (Arthur Batanides), who seems determined to be as hammy of an actor as possible. To call Batanides' performance overacting would be the understatement of the month. Also, there are two lovely ladies, Natalie (Sally Todd) and Grace (Alison Jones), who both take a fancy to Houston soon after meeting him. Then again, when the other choices are angry young Danny, Old Man Conway, a half-dead man named Jedrow in the basement, and Tor freakin' Johnson, it's not like the girls have much of a choice.
- As I said before, the whole movie takes place in Dr. Conway's house, and it seems as if half the movie is spent with somebody either walking around in the hallway or walking up and down stairs. To make matters worse, there's not enough lighting in the movie, so it's kind of hard to see. This is especially apparent towards the end of the movie, where Houston is chasing Conway around outside the house, and it's really hard to tell just who is who in the darkness.
- While Carradine mails in his performance, and Healey and the women aren't too terrible (although they really could have expanded on Grace's character more, since we know little about her other than that she's scared of something), the real acting highlight is Tor Johnson's performance. If there is one word I would use to describe the hulking Tor, it would be lumbering. Tor moves with all the speed of molasses, he has an expression of deep confusion on his face at all times, and he only has two lines in the whole movie and you can barely understand what he's saying. Let's just say it's a good thing that Tor's so big, because even a movie as bad as this one is too good for Tor's acting skills.
Overall, this a merely a decent episode, although if you are a fan of MST3K, I would highly recommend watching both of the shorts featured on this episode, as they are quite full of good digs from Joel and the Bots. As for the movie, there are some good bits in it, but the movie itself is so dull that it's a chore to sit through at times. I'd give the move The Unearthly a 1.8 out of 10, and the episode itself a 6.4 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this or other posts, or ideas for future posts, than let me know about them either by leaving a comment on the blog or sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com. As for me, I think it's "Time for go to bed".
- Because this movie is so short, there are two short films shown at the beginning of this episode. The first is a little piece of nostalgia called "Posture Pals", which teachers viewers that unless you have proper posture, you will be nothing but a loser. In this film, four kids whose names I don't care to remember set out to become the posture king, queen, prince, and princess of their class, while everyone else in the class chooses not to participate because they've got better things to do. After the kids, their parents, and a stuffed clown named Bombo help them improve their posture, the kids complete their goal, and each are awarded a crown from Burger King and a silly looking robe. I think I would rather walk hunched over all day than win a 30 cent crown and look like a fool in front of all my classmates, but to each their own.
- The next short is a 1950s piece called "Appreciating Your Parents". In this film, young Tommy spends most of the time staring blankly into space wondering how his room got cleaned. Turns out his mother did it, and Tommy realizes that both his parents do a lot of things for him. So instead of asking for a higher allowance, Tommy decides that it would be better to help around the house more. At the end, Tommy ends up with a higher allowance, so all's well that ends well. This was the least offensive part of the whole episode, to be honest, although the narrator acts a little high and mighty in this short.
- Now to The Unearthly. Here's the thing, despite its title, there is nothing 'unearthly', like aliens or comets, involved in this movie. In fact, the whole movie takes place on Dr. Conway's (Carradine) property, where he does crazy experiments in the name of science, like any other crazy scientist, I suppose. Anyway, Dr. Conway thinks that he's found the secret to the fountain of youth, and so he and his love-stricken assistant Dr. Gilchrest (Marilyn Buferd, 1946's Miss America, btw) tests his hypothesis on patients brought to them by Dr. Loren Wright (Roy Gordon) under the assumption that Conway is treating them for psychological issues. Instead, he implants a 17th gland, which looks suspiciously like a bell pepper, into their bodies to give them eternal youth, but unfortunately, Conway's success record seems to be worse than the Detroit Lions' so he must not be very good at his job.
- The main protagonist is Police Det. Mark Houston (Myron Healey), who gains access by planting an article in the local paper about an escaped convict and then posing as said convict in order to gain access to Conway's lab. As far-fetched as that plan is, it somehow works, and after Lobo brings him in, Conway arranges for Houston to stay and take part in his experiments or else he'll turn him in to the cops. Houston gets to meet the rest of the patients, including an angry young man named Danny (Arthur Batanides), who seems determined to be as hammy of an actor as possible. To call Batanides' performance overacting would be the understatement of the month. Also, there are two lovely ladies, Natalie (Sally Todd) and Grace (Alison Jones), who both take a fancy to Houston soon after meeting him. Then again, when the other choices are angry young Danny, Old Man Conway, a half-dead man named Jedrow in the basement, and Tor freakin' Johnson, it's not like the girls have much of a choice.
- As I said before, the whole movie takes place in Dr. Conway's house, and it seems as if half the movie is spent with somebody either walking around in the hallway or walking up and down stairs. To make matters worse, there's not enough lighting in the movie, so it's kind of hard to see. This is especially apparent towards the end of the movie, where Houston is chasing Conway around outside the house, and it's really hard to tell just who is who in the darkness.
- While Carradine mails in his performance, and Healey and the women aren't too terrible (although they really could have expanded on Grace's character more, since we know little about her other than that she's scared of something), the real acting highlight is Tor Johnson's performance. If there is one word I would use to describe the hulking Tor, it would be lumbering. Tor moves with all the speed of molasses, he has an expression of deep confusion on his face at all times, and he only has two lines in the whole movie and you can barely understand what he's saying. Let's just say it's a good thing that Tor's so big, because even a movie as bad as this one is too good for Tor's acting skills.
Overall, this a merely a decent episode, although if you are a fan of MST3K, I would highly recommend watching both of the shorts featured on this episode, as they are quite full of good digs from Joel and the Bots. As for the movie, there are some good bits in it, but the movie itself is so dull that it's a chore to sit through at times. I'd give the move The Unearthly a 1.8 out of 10, and the episode itself a 6.4 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this or other posts, or ideas for future posts, than let me know about them either by leaving a comment on the blog or sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com. As for me, I think it's "Time for go to bed".
Friday, July 9, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: Master Ninja I
This episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 is from season 3 and is a little different from most episodes. See, instead of riffing on a movie, this episode features two episodes of the short-lived 80s television series The Master, which was later repacked as a series of tapes that tried to make two episodes look like one movie. The first of these tapes was titled Master Ninja I, and featured the first two episodes of the series. Master Ninja, or the Master, or whatever you want to call it, starred Lee Van Cleef (The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly, For a Few Dollars More, High Noon) as John Peter McAlister, the only American to become a ninja master. Also, the show features Timothy Van Patten (The White Shadow, half-brother of Dick Van Patten) as McAlister's hot headed pupil, Max Keller. The two are in search of McAlister's long lost daughter Teri, and go around America in search of Teri and to help random people who for some reason are getting harassed by the Man or something like that. A few notes from this episode.
- The first episode, titled Max (real creative, guys), features Demi Moore as a guest star in a role she probably has no recollection of. Actually, she's only in it for about three scenes, but still. In hindsight, if they had replaced Van Patten with Demi Moore, than maybe the show would have lasted longer than half a season. Or not.
- Lee Van Cleef was in a bunch of good movies and had a fine acting career. However, I wonder if he was the best choice to cast as the "Master Ninja". Or at the very least, they could have picked a stunt double that wasn't noticeably slimmer than Van Cleef, who had a bit of a gut and seemed to have a hard time running, much less walking a high wire and jumping off onto the roof of a moving car. At least he could act, though.
- I gotta say, I didn't much like the character of Max Keller. It didn't help that Timothy Van Patten couldn't act and spoke as if he had marbles in his mouth, but Max was just another annoying young putz who drives a van and gets himself thrown out of bars on a regular basis. Max is an annoying little dweeb who is rather loud and often disrespectful towards his master, which is not a good idea considering his master could kill him in 9,429 different ways. Max also drives around in a Chevy Van, and keeps a hamster as a pet. The hamster even has a little wheel and a cage next to the driver's seat in the van. Why a hamster, you ask? Well no one really knows for sure.
- Mr. McAlister has other problems besides mentoring Max and finding his daughter, as one of his former students has followed him around the globe in an attempt to kill him. I think it has something to do with some sort of violation of the ninja code, but I don't exactly remember why. This man is a master of disguise, even though most of the time he's in disguise he just stands there and watches other people doing things.
- McAlister is a veteran of World War II who after the war decided to stay in Japan because he had nowhere else to go and because he enjoyed the tranquility. The tranquility of post-WWII Japan, mind you. I can't imagine a war-torn nation being a haven of tranquility, but then again I'm not a Master Ninja.
- I hesitate to spoil this episode too much, but none of you are probably ever going to see it, so what the heck. In the first episode, a buisnessman by the name of Christensen (played by the legendary Clu Gulager) wants to buy some crappy small-town airport for some reason. When he gets rebuffed by Claude Akins, Christensen sets fire to an airplane hangar. Well, Max and the Master come after Christensen in his 30 foot building, and Max has somehow learned enough in a 2 minute training montage to throw his voice and dart across the office without being detected. Christensen has a pistol and fires, but while it makes a sound, no bullet or smoke or anything comes out of the barrel. Instead of having him arrested, Max decides to play executioner and throws a ninja star into Christensen's heart. Well, that's a little extreme.
- The second part of this 'movie' was just ridiculous. The dynamic duo go to San Francisco, where they meet up with a dancer named Kelly who might have some information about McAlister's daughter. Even though she's supposed to be a great dancer and all, she dances as if someone had shocked her with a taser. She also has a sister in a wheelchair and her father owns the club she 'dances' in. Well, some evil Japanese buisnessmen are after the club and have some sort of ninja assassin watching their backs. Well, long story short, while the handicaped girl is called a gimp by McAlister (to which Tom Servo calls him a dickweed), the buisnessman abduct the would be dancing queen, despite the crackerjack security that Max provided (i.e. he got KOd by the ninja that actually knows what he's doing). Well, McAlister and his partner come up with some convulted plan that involves the Master clawing to the bottom of a car driven to their hideout, than coming back at night to rescue the girl. Long story short, the buisnessmen and their ninja are bested, and because he's just that bad ass, apparently McAlister teaches the other girl to walk again. What a bunch of tripe.
- Another reason why I don't like Max is that every three minutes or so, he provides these voiceovers that usually have one line and often are a sorry attempt to be humorous and add nothing to the plot, which needs all the help it can get. God, this show makes the A-Team look like The Godfather.
Bottom line, this show was cheesy as a block of cheddar and was quite easy to parody. There were a lot of good riffs in this episode and overall it was quite humourous. Also, the source material, while cheesy, was far from the worst thing to be featured on this show. So, while I would give Master Ninja I a 3.5339 out of 10, overall this episode gets a 6.380259 out of 10. Thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this post or ideas for future posts, than send them this way either by commenting or by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
- The first episode, titled Max (real creative, guys), features Demi Moore as a guest star in a role she probably has no recollection of. Actually, she's only in it for about three scenes, but still. In hindsight, if they had replaced Van Patten with Demi Moore, than maybe the show would have lasted longer than half a season. Or not.
- Lee Van Cleef was in a bunch of good movies and had a fine acting career. However, I wonder if he was the best choice to cast as the "Master Ninja". Or at the very least, they could have picked a stunt double that wasn't noticeably slimmer than Van Cleef, who had a bit of a gut and seemed to have a hard time running, much less walking a high wire and jumping off onto the roof of a moving car. At least he could act, though.
- I gotta say, I didn't much like the character of Max Keller. It didn't help that Timothy Van Patten couldn't act and spoke as if he had marbles in his mouth, but Max was just another annoying young putz who drives a van and gets himself thrown out of bars on a regular basis. Max is an annoying little dweeb who is rather loud and often disrespectful towards his master, which is not a good idea considering his master could kill him in 9,429 different ways. Max also drives around in a Chevy Van, and keeps a hamster as a pet. The hamster even has a little wheel and a cage next to the driver's seat in the van. Why a hamster, you ask? Well no one really knows for sure.
- Mr. McAlister has other problems besides mentoring Max and finding his daughter, as one of his former students has followed him around the globe in an attempt to kill him. I think it has something to do with some sort of violation of the ninja code, but I don't exactly remember why. This man is a master of disguise, even though most of the time he's in disguise he just stands there and watches other people doing things.
- McAlister is a veteran of World War II who after the war decided to stay in Japan because he had nowhere else to go and because he enjoyed the tranquility. The tranquility of post-WWII Japan, mind you. I can't imagine a war-torn nation being a haven of tranquility, but then again I'm not a Master Ninja.
- I hesitate to spoil this episode too much, but none of you are probably ever going to see it, so what the heck. In the first episode, a buisnessman by the name of Christensen (played by the legendary Clu Gulager) wants to buy some crappy small-town airport for some reason. When he gets rebuffed by Claude Akins, Christensen sets fire to an airplane hangar. Well, Max and the Master come after Christensen in his 30 foot building, and Max has somehow learned enough in a 2 minute training montage to throw his voice and dart across the office without being detected. Christensen has a pistol and fires, but while it makes a sound, no bullet or smoke or anything comes out of the barrel. Instead of having him arrested, Max decides to play executioner and throws a ninja star into Christensen's heart. Well, that's a little extreme.
- The second part of this 'movie' was just ridiculous. The dynamic duo go to San Francisco, where they meet up with a dancer named Kelly who might have some information about McAlister's daughter. Even though she's supposed to be a great dancer and all, she dances as if someone had shocked her with a taser. She also has a sister in a wheelchair and her father owns the club she 'dances' in. Well, some evil Japanese buisnessmen are after the club and have some sort of ninja assassin watching their backs. Well, long story short, while the handicaped girl is called a gimp by McAlister (to which Tom Servo calls him a dickweed), the buisnessman abduct the would be dancing queen, despite the crackerjack security that Max provided (i.e. he got KOd by the ninja that actually knows what he's doing). Well, McAlister and his partner come up with some convulted plan that involves the Master clawing to the bottom of a car driven to their hideout, than coming back at night to rescue the girl. Long story short, the buisnessmen and their ninja are bested, and because he's just that bad ass, apparently McAlister teaches the other girl to walk again. What a bunch of tripe.
- Another reason why I don't like Max is that every three minutes or so, he provides these voiceovers that usually have one line and often are a sorry attempt to be humorous and add nothing to the plot, which needs all the help it can get. God, this show makes the A-Team look like The Godfather.
Bottom line, this show was cheesy as a block of cheddar and was quite easy to parody. There were a lot of good riffs in this episode and overall it was quite humourous. Also, the source material, while cheesy, was far from the worst thing to be featured on this show. So, while I would give Master Ninja I a 3.5339 out of 10, overall this episode gets a 6.380259 out of 10. Thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this post or ideas for future posts, than send them this way either by commenting or by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: Red Zone Cuba
Well, I should have known better. A few years ago, I saw the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version of Red Zone Cuba with some friends of mine. I remember it being very bad, but I had forgotten just how bad. Until today, when after coming home from work, I decided, what the hey, I'm going to watch me some Red Zone Cuba. Well, that was a mistake. Red Zone Cuba is not a movie for people that like movies or being entertained, rather, it is a task to prove how mentally tough one is. If you are able to survive it all in one setting, you should be proud of yourself. I survived, but with two caveats. One, I at least had the comforting words and jokes of Mike, Servo, and Crow, even if Mike seemed exhausted by the ineptness of this film halfway through, and two, this movie is so mentally draining that I had to get off the computer, take a step back, and sit on the couch for 10 minutes just to comprehend the horror I had just witnessed. As Crow said during the movie, "I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it in the ways it has hurt me." Directed, produced, and acted in by Coleman Francis, Red Zone Cuba is currently listed as the worst movie of all time according to the ratings system at IMDB.com. Say what you will about the denizens of that site, but they nailed one right on the head. A few notes from this torturous film.
- I would describe the plot, but I don't think they had a script. Instead they would film one sequence of scenes, go to bed, show up tomorrow and shoot a bunch of other scenes that had nothing to do with the stuff they just shot. As best as I can tell, Griffin (Coleman Francis) joins up with two drifters named Cook (Harold Saunders) and Landis (co-producer Anthony Cardoza). They need work, so they decide to get a pilot named Cherokee Jack to fly them to Cuba so they can take part in the revolution there as soldiers of fortune. From there it falls apart, I think there's something about a tungsten mine or something, I don't know, and I wonder if Francis actually knew himself.
- Griffin, Francis' character, looks like Curly from the Three Stooges, and seems to be the most miserable man alive. He has a constant scowl on his face, yells at and even strangles one of his cohorts, shoots and kills people for no good reason and seems to take pleasure in absolutely nothing. He gives the audience no reason to care for him or to feel sympathy towards him.
- Everybody in this movie acts as if they lost their best friend, and yet for some reason, the score of the film is full of light-hearted, happy songs. I'm guessing Mr. Francis just put whatever song was available to him on the movie without considering how it would fit.
- If I could sum up this movie in one scene, it's this. After the three escape a Cuban prison (which seems to be somebody's toolshed), the three find an airfield nearby. One of them is a pilot of sort, and is able to go into three planes before settling on one to fly, without detection of the armed guards. After he starts the plane, Griffin and the other guy run towards the plane, and the Cuban guards pursue them with the enthusiasm of a man forced by his wife to see Sex in the City 2. They catch up to the plane, and just as when things actually start to get exciting, the movie cuts to another scene with the plane landing in a desert somewhere, without any explanation or footage of how exactly did they escape the guards shooting at them.
- Speaking of desert, the whole movie was set there, even the scenes in "Cuba". But what's worse is all the repeated shots in the movie. In a rope climbing sequence where Coleman and the other six revolutionaries invade Cuba, they show the same guy climbing a rope twice, and when that didn't fill up enough time, they decided, what the hell, let's just show that entire rope climbing scene again. Then there's the chase scene where the action manages to take place both at day and night, at the same time. My goodness, how is that possible?
- The movie features a cameo by John Carradine, a star of many, many films. He's in the movie for about 20 seconds, but for reasons unknown, is tapped to sing the theme song to Red Zone Cuba, "Night Train to Mundo Fine." As Servo put it, "they don't call John Carradine 'the voice' for nothing."
- The movie is proceeded by a short about posture while delivering a speech. It's basically ten minutes of telling you to stand up straight during a speech, but compared to Red Zone Cuba, this short was like The Dark Knight.
Overall, this is one movie that, as Tom Servo puts it, "dares you to watch it". Even with the riffs and some rather funny host bits in between the movie scenes, this is just hard to watch. If you are interested in making movies, you should watch Red Zone Cuba so you know what not to do, and just do the opposite of every single thing in the movie. This is the worst movie of all time. People rag on Ed Wood or other directors of B-movies, but at least in their movies you can tell that they at least were trying to make something good, even if they failed horribly. In Red Zone Cuba, not only is it low-budget, but it seems as if nobody is even trying to make this good. I'll give this movie a negative 5.4 out of 10, and the episode a 1.5 out of 10, as they try hard, but damn it is a hard pill to swallow.
Well, thanks for reading, as a reward, here's a couple of videos relating to Red Zone Cuba.
- I would describe the plot, but I don't think they had a script. Instead they would film one sequence of scenes, go to bed, show up tomorrow and shoot a bunch of other scenes that had nothing to do with the stuff they just shot. As best as I can tell, Griffin (Coleman Francis) joins up with two drifters named Cook (Harold Saunders) and Landis (co-producer Anthony Cardoza). They need work, so they decide to get a pilot named Cherokee Jack to fly them to Cuba so they can take part in the revolution there as soldiers of fortune. From there it falls apart, I think there's something about a tungsten mine or something, I don't know, and I wonder if Francis actually knew himself.
- Griffin, Francis' character, looks like Curly from the Three Stooges, and seems to be the most miserable man alive. He has a constant scowl on his face, yells at and even strangles one of his cohorts, shoots and kills people for no good reason and seems to take pleasure in absolutely nothing. He gives the audience no reason to care for him or to feel sympathy towards him.
- Everybody in this movie acts as if they lost their best friend, and yet for some reason, the score of the film is full of light-hearted, happy songs. I'm guessing Mr. Francis just put whatever song was available to him on the movie without considering how it would fit.
- If I could sum up this movie in one scene, it's this. After the three escape a Cuban prison (which seems to be somebody's toolshed), the three find an airfield nearby. One of them is a pilot of sort, and is able to go into three planes before settling on one to fly, without detection of the armed guards. After he starts the plane, Griffin and the other guy run towards the plane, and the Cuban guards pursue them with the enthusiasm of a man forced by his wife to see Sex in the City 2. They catch up to the plane, and just as when things actually start to get exciting, the movie cuts to another scene with the plane landing in a desert somewhere, without any explanation or footage of how exactly did they escape the guards shooting at them.
- Speaking of desert, the whole movie was set there, even the scenes in "Cuba". But what's worse is all the repeated shots in the movie. In a rope climbing sequence where Coleman and the other six revolutionaries invade Cuba, they show the same guy climbing a rope twice, and when that didn't fill up enough time, they decided, what the hell, let's just show that entire rope climbing scene again. Then there's the chase scene where the action manages to take place both at day and night, at the same time. My goodness, how is that possible?
- The movie features a cameo by John Carradine, a star of many, many films. He's in the movie for about 20 seconds, but for reasons unknown, is tapped to sing the theme song to Red Zone Cuba, "Night Train to Mundo Fine." As Servo put it, "they don't call John Carradine 'the voice' for nothing."
- The movie is proceeded by a short about posture while delivering a speech. It's basically ten minutes of telling you to stand up straight during a speech, but compared to Red Zone Cuba, this short was like The Dark Knight.
Overall, this is one movie that, as Tom Servo puts it, "dares you to watch it". Even with the riffs and some rather funny host bits in between the movie scenes, this is just hard to watch. If you are interested in making movies, you should watch Red Zone Cuba so you know what not to do, and just do the opposite of every single thing in the movie. This is the worst movie of all time. People rag on Ed Wood or other directors of B-movies, but at least in their movies you can tell that they at least were trying to make something good, even if they failed horribly. In Red Zone Cuba, not only is it low-budget, but it seems as if nobody is even trying to make this good. I'll give this movie a negative 5.4 out of 10, and the episode a 1.5 out of 10, as they try hard, but damn it is a hard pill to swallow.
Well, thanks for reading, as a reward, here's a couple of videos relating to Red Zone Cuba.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: Time of the Apes
Time of the Apes is a movie produced in 1987 in which producer Sandy Frank compiled episodes of a short-lived Japanese television series and dubbed over everybody's voices, so what you end up with is a bunch of scenes of lines being read even while nobody is talking. It looks as if Frank and his crew did the whole re dubbing process over two hours, did no editing to make it look like people are talking, and decided, what the hell, let's put this out on VHS or whatever the heck they used back then. To make things worse, the original footage looks quite dumb, and there are a lot of things the producers do to make things worse.The whole thing results in a movie that makes no sense and a bunch of characters you root against. However, it also ends up being very, very easy to both laugh at and mock, and it makes for a very funny episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. A few notes about this crapfest:
- The lead characters are Johnny, an annoying little kid who yells everything he says and wears Daisy Dukes throughout much of the movie, Caroline, Johnny's cousin who also talks at a loud volume, and Catherine, who is the kids' friend, or aunt, or something, they don't really explain. Anyway, Catherine works at a lab that specializes in freezing people like Ted Williams. Naturally, an earthquake happens, and Catherine and the rest of the kids hide in the freezers. Remarkably, a rock hit's the freeze button and the three are cryogenically frozen. When they thaw out, they're in a world that is populated by evolved apes, which is a lot like Planet of the Apes. I'm sure that's a coincedence.
- The apes capture the three and try to kill the group, but they escape because the apes take forever to start shooting at them. They escape with the aid of a white-faced monkey named Pepe into the Green Mountain area, which is populated by a lone man named Goto who is wanted by the apes. Coincidentally, Goto and Pepe are good friends, so Pepe warns the group of the apes attack, but the group is captured. The rest of movie is really just about the humans trying to escape from the apes and go back home, with a few subplots thrown in there and only a couple of them actually going anywhere.
- The apes in this movie dress rather peculiar. A couple of them wear spurs and cowboy boots, which the movie shows generously. Then there's the commander of the apes, who has seem to pattern his wardrobe after Col. Sanders. He even has a gray beard like the Colonel. He's also seen wearing a red smoking jacket. Not to mention the powder blue 1970 Buick he rides in. Clearly, the Commander's fashion sense needs to evolve some. I mean, take a look at the Commander and his crew here (picture from mrsatanism.com):
- To make this movie seem more ridiculous, the apes' lips never move, even if they are saying something. What, they couldn't afford to make masks with moving lips at least. Not surprisingly, the apes are just humans in costumes and gorilla masks.
- Godo's main enemy is an ape named, wait for it, Gaybar. He's mad because he believes Goto killed his wife and son, but every time he has a chance to kill Goto, he waits a really long time before something eventually stops him. It gets ridiculous the fourth time Gaybar stalls in his quest for revenge.
- Because this movie is cut from a bunch of TV episodes into 97 minutes, you get a lot of stuff that makes no sense at all. For one, there's the Wild West shootout between Goto and Gaybar's apes that comes out of the blue. There's also a rebellion against the Commander that lasts about 15 seconds, and there's a subplot with a flying saucer that makes no sense at all. Oh, and apparently they cut a lot out because Catherine seemed to have a sudden change of heart about the apes, even though all we had seen up until that point is the apes trying to kill or imprison her and her companions.
- Johnny is up there with Kenny the turtle loving kid from Gamera as a candidate for the most annoying child to ever appear in a movie. He yells out every line (a mistake by the redubbing team, no doubt, but it makes him seem really annoying), he constantly complains about being hungry, he asks inappropriate and dumb questions and observations on a regular basis (i.e. asking Goto if he lives in his house, then asking if his parents are dead). Not to mention the really short shorts and his penchant of carrying tools at convenient times in the plot (i.e. he suddenly has a screwdriver when it's time to escape from the prison).
- One of the most annoying aspects of this movie, and by golly there are many, is the tendency to show extreme close ups of the characters repeatedly at rapid intervals whenever a big event happens. Yes, we know this is important, you don't need to keep cutting rapidly to everyone's facial reactions to emphasize that. It's almost enough to give you a headache. Also, the score of this film is, um, well let's just say they made some interesting choices in that department that may not have fit the scene.
What a mess this is. I'm sure the original was at least a little better than this, even if the apes' lips never moved. What Sandy Frank and his team created here was 96 minutes of tripe so confusing that it's a wonder anybody could make sense of this thing. There's even two different endings shown, and a bunch of unanswered questions and unexplained plot points remain. Then there's the voice dubbing, which is so poorly done and for some reason had everyone scream their lines in an ultra intense level, except for Johnny, who sounded as if he was at Chuck-E-Cheese's the whole time even while in prison or being chased like apes. If Mr. Frank did this in an attempt to make a good, entertaining movie, well he failed miserably. The MST3K episode was quite good, as mocking this movie was like shooting fish in a barrel. Overall, the movie gets a 0.9 out of 10, and the episode gets a 6.8204 out of 10.
Well, thanks for reading. If you have an idea for a review, than either leave a comment or send me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
- The lead characters are Johnny, an annoying little kid who yells everything he says and wears Daisy Dukes throughout much of the movie, Caroline, Johnny's cousin who also talks at a loud volume, and Catherine, who is the kids' friend, or aunt, or something, they don't really explain. Anyway, Catherine works at a lab that specializes in freezing people like Ted Williams. Naturally, an earthquake happens, and Catherine and the rest of the kids hide in the freezers. Remarkably, a rock hit's the freeze button and the three are cryogenically frozen. When they thaw out, they're in a world that is populated by evolved apes, which is a lot like Planet of the Apes. I'm sure that's a coincedence.
- The apes capture the three and try to kill the group, but they escape because the apes take forever to start shooting at them. They escape with the aid of a white-faced monkey named Pepe into the Green Mountain area, which is populated by a lone man named Goto who is wanted by the apes. Coincidentally, Goto and Pepe are good friends, so Pepe warns the group of the apes attack, but the group is captured. The rest of movie is really just about the humans trying to escape from the apes and go back home, with a few subplots thrown in there and only a couple of them actually going anywhere.
- The apes in this movie dress rather peculiar. A couple of them wear spurs and cowboy boots, which the movie shows generously. Then there's the commander of the apes, who has seem to pattern his wardrobe after Col. Sanders. He even has a gray beard like the Colonel. He's also seen wearing a red smoking jacket. Not to mention the powder blue 1970 Buick he rides in. Clearly, the Commander's fashion sense needs to evolve some. I mean, take a look at the Commander and his crew here (picture from mrsatanism.com):
- To make this movie seem more ridiculous, the apes' lips never move, even if they are saying something. What, they couldn't afford to make masks with moving lips at least. Not surprisingly, the apes are just humans in costumes and gorilla masks.
- Godo's main enemy is an ape named, wait for it, Gaybar. He's mad because he believes Goto killed his wife and son, but every time he has a chance to kill Goto, he waits a really long time before something eventually stops him. It gets ridiculous the fourth time Gaybar stalls in his quest for revenge.
- Because this movie is cut from a bunch of TV episodes into 97 minutes, you get a lot of stuff that makes no sense at all. For one, there's the Wild West shootout between Goto and Gaybar's apes that comes out of the blue. There's also a rebellion against the Commander that lasts about 15 seconds, and there's a subplot with a flying saucer that makes no sense at all. Oh, and apparently they cut a lot out because Catherine seemed to have a sudden change of heart about the apes, even though all we had seen up until that point is the apes trying to kill or imprison her and her companions.
- Johnny is up there with Kenny the turtle loving kid from Gamera as a candidate for the most annoying child to ever appear in a movie. He yells out every line (a mistake by the redubbing team, no doubt, but it makes him seem really annoying), he constantly complains about being hungry, he asks inappropriate and dumb questions and observations on a regular basis (i.e. asking Goto if he lives in his house, then asking if his parents are dead). Not to mention the really short shorts and his penchant of carrying tools at convenient times in the plot (i.e. he suddenly has a screwdriver when it's time to escape from the prison).
- One of the most annoying aspects of this movie, and by golly there are many, is the tendency to show extreme close ups of the characters repeatedly at rapid intervals whenever a big event happens. Yes, we know this is important, you don't need to keep cutting rapidly to everyone's facial reactions to emphasize that. It's almost enough to give you a headache. Also, the score of this film is, um, well let's just say they made some interesting choices in that department that may not have fit the scene.
What a mess this is. I'm sure the original was at least a little better than this, even if the apes' lips never moved. What Sandy Frank and his team created here was 96 minutes of tripe so confusing that it's a wonder anybody could make sense of this thing. There's even two different endings shown, and a bunch of unanswered questions and unexplained plot points remain. Then there's the voice dubbing, which is so poorly done and for some reason had everyone scream their lines in an ultra intense level, except for Johnny, who sounded as if he was at Chuck-E-Cheese's the whole time even while in prison or being chased like apes. If Mr. Frank did this in an attempt to make a good, entertaining movie, well he failed miserably. The MST3K episode was quite good, as mocking this movie was like shooting fish in a barrel. Overall, the movie gets a 0.9 out of 10, and the episode gets a 6.8204 out of 10.
Well, thanks for reading. If you have an idea for a review, than either leave a comment or send me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent
I know what you must be thinking, my God, that's a really long title. Not many movies have titles that are 17 words long, and for good reason. By the time you finish saying the name of this movie, the film is half over. This film is directed by Roger Corman, and it was the ninth film he directed . . . in the year 1957. Needless to say, Corman was probably too exhausted to care much about this movie. Corman's an interesting character, as he's served as a producer of nearly 400 movies, most of which are low budget movies like this one, Teenage Caveman, and his most recent film, Dinoshark. As a director, Corman's reputation is closer to Ed Wood's than it is to Scorsese's, so I kind of knew what to expect here. This episode of Mystery Science Theatre also included a short video made in the 1950s about the value of a home economics education. A few notes on this episode.
- All of the skits in between scenes in the movie dealt with Joel's love of waffles. The robots were also programmed by Joel to love waffles as much as he does. Crow even dress up as a character named "Willy the Waffle" who credited waffles for the end of the Cold War, among other things. Why they decided to go in this direction, I'll never know, but it did make me really want waffles, to the point where I paused the movie to heat up some frozen waffles and eat them.
- The short, "The Home Economics Story", is a film made by Iowa State University to encourage high school girls to enroll in their Home Economics program. Not only can you get an education and possibly a career as a chef or interior designed or a teacher, but more importantly, you can learn the proper skills to keep your man happy. At least that's what the film's message is. A mixed message I admit, but it was the fifties. This film makes Home Economics look as interesting as watching paint dry. The girls try to act excited, but their not nearly skilled enough actors to pull this off. Also, the narrator talks of "Food buymanship", which makes me wonder, is buymanship even a word?
- The movie with the long title is actually quite short, 66 minutes long to be exact. However, considering all the walking sequences and scenes where nothing happens that are in the film, it could have been shortened another 20 minutes and gotten the whole story across.
- The movie starts with the Viking women of some village debating whether or not they should go after their men, who have been out on some expedition for a while. Apparently, all the Viking women are young, blond, and pretty, with the exception of the high priestess, who's brunette and therefore, must be evil. The women vote yes or no by chucking spears into trees. Most of them vote yes and off they go. Oh, and there's some guy named Ottar who was left behind for some reason. The women don't want him to go, but he sneaks on anyway.
- After a lot of nothing happens, the sea serpent appears. It's a cheesy effect, but it's not the worst monster in a b-movie I've ever seen. The serpent doesn't actually eat anybody, he just kind of thrashes around causing tremendous waves. A convergent lighting strike breaks apart the women's boat and the women (and Ottar) float around until they wake up in morning on the shore of some beach, where they are captured by a bunch of primitive looking men with swords. One man has a whip, and he takes great pleasure and whipping Ottar, whipping him at random intervals during their march back to headquarters.
- Once there, the Viking women and their manservant are led to the king, a man named Stark who has seemingly dressed up in an assortment of hand-me-down left behind by better kings. He's got a ridiculous fur coat that makes him look like a shaggy dog. Worse off, he introduces his son, who's an annoying, effeminate little man that hates women and basically acts like an entitled little snot. You instantly root for him to meet a tragic fate in this film. That nearly happens on a boar hunt where the little pissant falls off his horse and is nearly mauled by a boar, but unfortunately the leader of the women, Desir, saves his pathetic life by spearing the boar. The prince, in gratitude, whines about being saved by a woman, which makes the viewing audience root for a quick spear through the gut from Desir. But no, Desir instead agrees to make it look as if the prince did it in exchange for some information about some Vikings that are enslaved here. That plot point never actually goes anywhere, so it's a mystery why they included that sequence in the first place.
- Eventually, I guess the King gets bored and decides to show the other Vikings he's captured, and by golly, it's the same men the women were looking for. These Vikings are not the big, hairy, grizzled type of men you might expect, but instead they are all blond, buff guys without any body hair. They look more like a troupe of male dancers than they do vikings. Desir meets up with her man, the chief Vedric, who in spite of being a chief, seems to display the intelligence of a moose and the leadership qualities of a pair of socks. The two hug, which angers high priestess Enger. The King orders all the reunited viking couples to break it up, and puts the women in a separate room in his lair.
- After the women are improsend, one of them escapes through a rather wide window to rescue the men. However, during a fight between the viking women and some very handsy guards, Enger escapes to warn King Stark of the planned escape. Why, you ask? Because Enger wants Vedric the dummy to herself and Desir out of the picture. Enger makes some sort of sexual promise to the King in exchange for the death of Desir, and goes to visit Vedric in the slave quarters. Enger wants Vedric and her to run away back home together, but Vedric in his own dull way refuses. Enger than goes back to King Stark and requests for the death of both Desir and Vedric. Will the two avoid certain death? Will Enger regret her betrayal? And will the sea serpent make another appearance? To find out, watch the movie.
Overall, it doesn't surprise me to learn that this film was completed in 10 days. The plot is rather elementary, the acting is subpar, and the film hardly fleshes out the motives of many of the characters, excluding a couple of them. The vikings come off as a bunch of wusses, the titular Sea Serpent is barely a factor in the movie (until the end, but I won't reveal how), and there's a bunch of walking montages where nothing happens thrown in the movie. Even watching it as an MST3K episode, it was just dull. I'll give the movie a 2.5 out of 10, the episode a 5.5 out of 10, and the riffing on the Home Economics film a 8.7 out of 10. If I were you, I would skip the movie and just watch Joel and the 'bots riff on the short instead. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for future posts on the Canon Review, feel free to let me know either by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com, bl leaving it in the comments section, or any other way you can think of.
- All of the skits in between scenes in the movie dealt with Joel's love of waffles. The robots were also programmed by Joel to love waffles as much as he does. Crow even dress up as a character named "Willy the Waffle" who credited waffles for the end of the Cold War, among other things. Why they decided to go in this direction, I'll never know, but it did make me really want waffles, to the point where I paused the movie to heat up some frozen waffles and eat them.
- The short, "The Home Economics Story", is a film made by Iowa State University to encourage high school girls to enroll in their Home Economics program. Not only can you get an education and possibly a career as a chef or interior designed or a teacher, but more importantly, you can learn the proper skills to keep your man happy. At least that's what the film's message is. A mixed message I admit, but it was the fifties. This film makes Home Economics look as interesting as watching paint dry. The girls try to act excited, but their not nearly skilled enough actors to pull this off. Also, the narrator talks of "Food buymanship", which makes me wonder, is buymanship even a word?
- The movie with the long title is actually quite short, 66 minutes long to be exact. However, considering all the walking sequences and scenes where nothing happens that are in the film, it could have been shortened another 20 minutes and gotten the whole story across.
- The movie starts with the Viking women of some village debating whether or not they should go after their men, who have been out on some expedition for a while. Apparently, all the Viking women are young, blond, and pretty, with the exception of the high priestess, who's brunette and therefore, must be evil. The women vote yes or no by chucking spears into trees. Most of them vote yes and off they go. Oh, and there's some guy named Ottar who was left behind for some reason. The women don't want him to go, but he sneaks on anyway.
- After a lot of nothing happens, the sea serpent appears. It's a cheesy effect, but it's not the worst monster in a b-movie I've ever seen. The serpent doesn't actually eat anybody, he just kind of thrashes around causing tremendous waves. A convergent lighting strike breaks apart the women's boat and the women (and Ottar) float around until they wake up in morning on the shore of some beach, where they are captured by a bunch of primitive looking men with swords. One man has a whip, and he takes great pleasure and whipping Ottar, whipping him at random intervals during their march back to headquarters.
- Once there, the Viking women and their manservant are led to the king, a man named Stark who has seemingly dressed up in an assortment of hand-me-down left behind by better kings. He's got a ridiculous fur coat that makes him look like a shaggy dog. Worse off, he introduces his son, who's an annoying, effeminate little man that hates women and basically acts like an entitled little snot. You instantly root for him to meet a tragic fate in this film. That nearly happens on a boar hunt where the little pissant falls off his horse and is nearly mauled by a boar, but unfortunately the leader of the women, Desir, saves his pathetic life by spearing the boar. The prince, in gratitude, whines about being saved by a woman, which makes the viewing audience root for a quick spear through the gut from Desir. But no, Desir instead agrees to make it look as if the prince did it in exchange for some information about some Vikings that are enslaved here. That plot point never actually goes anywhere, so it's a mystery why they included that sequence in the first place.
- Eventually, I guess the King gets bored and decides to show the other Vikings he's captured, and by golly, it's the same men the women were looking for. These Vikings are not the big, hairy, grizzled type of men you might expect, but instead they are all blond, buff guys without any body hair. They look more like a troupe of male dancers than they do vikings. Desir meets up with her man, the chief Vedric, who in spite of being a chief, seems to display the intelligence of a moose and the leadership qualities of a pair of socks. The two hug, which angers high priestess Enger. The King orders all the reunited viking couples to break it up, and puts the women in a separate room in his lair.
- After the women are improsend, one of them escapes through a rather wide window to rescue the men. However, during a fight between the viking women and some very handsy guards, Enger escapes to warn King Stark of the planned escape. Why, you ask? Because Enger wants Vedric the dummy to herself and Desir out of the picture. Enger makes some sort of sexual promise to the King in exchange for the death of Desir, and goes to visit Vedric in the slave quarters. Enger wants Vedric and her to run away back home together, but Vedric in his own dull way refuses. Enger than goes back to King Stark and requests for the death of both Desir and Vedric. Will the two avoid certain death? Will Enger regret her betrayal? And will the sea serpent make another appearance? To find out, watch the movie.
Overall, it doesn't surprise me to learn that this film was completed in 10 days. The plot is rather elementary, the acting is subpar, and the film hardly fleshes out the motives of many of the characters, excluding a couple of them. The vikings come off as a bunch of wusses, the titular Sea Serpent is barely a factor in the movie (until the end, but I won't reveal how), and there's a bunch of walking montages where nothing happens thrown in the movie. Even watching it as an MST3K episode, it was just dull. I'll give the movie a 2.5 out of 10, the episode a 5.5 out of 10, and the riffing on the Home Economics film a 8.7 out of 10. If I were you, I would skip the movie and just watch Joel and the 'bots riff on the short instead. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for future posts on the Canon Review, feel free to let me know either by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com, bl leaving it in the comments section, or any other way you can think of.
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