Friday, January 29, 2010

Scott Steiner and Crystal Pepsi, A Winning Combination

I get bored pretty easily, and when I get bored, one thing I like to do is watch old-school pro wrestling videos. Wrestling today kind of sucks, but I was a huge fan of it back in the 90s and early 2000s, so every once in a while (more often than I would care to admit), I go back and watch whatever interesting there is to find. Today I decided to watch random videos of everybody's favorite roid-rager, Scott "Big Poppa Pump" Steiner, whose promos are almost as legendary as his 26 inch biceps. So, without further adeiu, here's a review.

Scott Steiner turns on his brother, joins the nWo

- For the few of you that read this and know wrestling, you know what the nWo (new World order) is all about. For those that don't, the nWo was a stable of bad guys that ran roughshod over WCW for about three years until they did everything they could possibly do with the concept and then the nWo just disappeared without much of an explanation. Anyway, Scott and his brother Rick were feuding with the nWo's Scott Hall and Kevin Nash (the Outsiders) over the WCW Tag Team Titles. Their final battle would be at Superbrawl in 1998. The clip starts with Rick beating on both of the Outsiders, clearing the ring. Rick and Scott then do their trademark pose in which Rick crawls around the ring like a dog and stops under Scott, as if Scott is a master holding back a pitbull. But unsuspectingly, Scott double-axe handles his brother a couple times, gives Rick a tiger bomb, and decks the Steiners' manager Ted DiBiasie off the ring apron. Rick kicks out of a pin attempt, and gets trapped in the Outsiders' corner, but all of a sudden Rick starts beating the hell out of anyone in his path. Finally, Nash knees him in the back, setting him up for Hall's finisher, the Outsiders' Edge. It takes him two times, but finally Hall lifts Rick up and throws him down for the three count. Match ends, Scott hands over the tag Titles to the Outsiders as DiBiasie is helped to the back looking as if he's in tears. According to announcer Tony Schiavone, this is one of the worst moments in the history of the sport, but he says that about everything.

Scott Steiner meets Mark McGwire

A few months later, Steiner was in, as he put it, "the show me state of St. Louis, Missouri.", and the hot topic was Mark McGwire breaking the single-season home run mark. Well, Steiner, in his quest to recruit the "top elite athletes" introduces Mark McGwire to the crowd. Out comes Steiner's nWo buddy Buff Bagwell dressed as McGwire as a referee brings him to the ring on a bicycle. What a grand entrance. Buff McGwire enters the ring, saying he's a big fan of the nWo. Bagwell then pops some steroids, which not only is a dig at McGwire, but also part of Buff's workout routine, so it's all good. The two then claim that the batting practice Cardinals jersey they picked up at a souviner stand is the very same jersey McGwire wore to break the home run record. After Steiner tells "McGwire" that he's stupid and he sucks, the two try to burn the jersey, but the idiots can't light the thing. Finally, they just settle for burning Buff's cardinals' cap, as he throws his wig and the jersey into the crowd. All in all, this was about as funny as The Magic Hour.

Scott Steiner kicks Buff Bagwell out of the nWo

A few months later, it's March of 1999, and Steiner has lost his World Television Title to Booker T due to an inadvertent chair shot from Buff Bagwell.  After running down Cincinnati for a minute as only Scott Steiner can (the Bengals suck, the Reds suck, you're all ugly, blah, blah, blah), Steiner gets down to business, saying Bagwell committed a mental fumble the night before. Bagwell's like, yeah, whatever, but Steiner grabs him by his surgically repaired neck to get Buff's attention. Scott's all like, maybe we should get rid of you Buff,  you might not be the stuff, while Bagwell's like, well check out all the Buff signs in the crowd, maybe you're jealous Scott Steiner. After Bagwell says "This is getting out of hand" literally four times, the two drop their mics, shake hands, and hug. Until Steiner turns that hug into a belly to belly suplex.  Steiner gets a chair, and hits a downed Bagwell three times across his surgically repaired neck. He then puts on the Steiner Recliner, a move that puts pressure on the neck. Steiner, having made his point, leaves to the disgust of the announcers and the crowd. The two would go on to feud for about a week, as I recall, before they moved on to other things.

Now, you're wondering why the heck I put Crystal Pepsi in the title of this post. Well, I'll tell you. Yesterday, I was hanging out with some friends when the topics of soda came up (Note, if you have a conversation with many of my friends, the topics of food and drink will come up often.) Anyway, we start talking about Crystal Pepsi and how good it was (although to me, it tasted like someone mixed up flat 7-up and Pepsi), and the Crystal Pepsi commercial with Van Halen's "Right Now" playing. Well, I hadn't seen it in a while, and so I decided to seek this out today. I had forgotten how pretentious and stupid the commercial actually was. Here's the video so you can see for yourselves:

Right now, the future is clear of Crystal Pepsi, or is it? and did we really need to see a man in a speedo diving through clouds. I mean, what the hell was that about?  Somebody please tell me, because I have no idea.

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