Canon MST3K Review: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Today's little piece of Christmas Spirit is episode 321 of Mystery Science Theater, the 1964 cinematic effort Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. This is the second time I've seen this movie, but the first time I was feeling a twinge masochistic and watched the original uncut version without any commentary from talking robots. Starring future Golden Globe winning actress Pia Zadora, John Call as Santa Claus, the guy that played Ralph on the Jeffersons, and a lot of people who inexplicably never acted in another movie again. Directed by Nicholas Webster (who went on to direct an episode of Get Smart and The Waltons), Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is about Santa Claus, who gets abducted by Martians in order to cheer up the autonomous children of Mars. Also, the Martians kidnap two earth children named Billy and Betty along the way, and somehow they team up to bring Christmas cheer and joy to the fine citizens of Mars. But not everyone is happy about this, as a martian named Voldar is concerned that the introduction of toys will make the children annoying and bratty, much like Earth children :). A few notes about this movie:

- In this claptrap of a film, the Martians are presented as highly developed beings who can travel to Earth whenever they please and their ships are built with radar shields so they can't be detected. They also wear green helmets with antennas and skin tight green jumpsuits. Mars also has powerful enough satellites so they can watch Earth programs on their television sets, which concerned Kimar, as his kids seem to do nothing but watch TV. You know, just like Earth. At the very least, Kimar should be thankful that cable television wasn't around back then, or those children would never leave. Also, Mars eats food in pill form, which sounds about as enjoyable as eating dirt, and apparently have never heard of a handshake, as they prefer to greet each other with light headbutts.

- Most of the Martians seem to be of higher intelligence, except for Dropo, who must be the village idiot of Mars. Dropo acts like a dumber version of Barney Fife. I'm not exactly clear what exactly Dropo's role is, but it must be something important considering he's in direct contact with the chief of the Martians. In the movie, Dropo's the token dumb comic relief and he's about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face. After a while, I was rooting for Dropo to be dropped, so to speak. Instead his role just grows and grows, as he becomes a key figure at the end of the film.

- The Santa Claus in this film is not quite as strange as the Kris Kringle in the film I reviewed last week, but is still a bit unsettling nonetheless. Like the other Santa Claus, he is prone to fits of laughter in even the most mundane circumstances. There's one scene in the movie, where Santa and Billy and Betty meet Kimar's kids, Bomar and Girmar (very original names, fellows), and Santa just burst into a serial-killer esque laughing fit. To make things worse, the kids join in, and each of the martian kids (especially Girmar, played by Zadora) have this strange far away look in their eyes while laughing as if they heard the world's greatest joke. It's actually quite unsettling, to be honest.

- Every story must have some sort of conflict, and this movie's conflict comes from a martian named Voldar. We know he's evil because he's the only martian with a mustache. Voldar just hates the idea of Martian children having fun in their lives, to the point where he repeatedly tries to have Santa and the two Earth children killed in gruesome fashion. It's actually pretty heavy stuff for what's supposed to be a kid's movie. Fortunately for Voldar, he's surrounded by idiots, so he gets opportunity after opportunity to thwart Kimar's scheme and prevent Martian children from getting wooden trains and other toys. Unfortunately for Voldar, he's not nearly as smart as he thinks he is, as he's constantly stopped by Santa and Billy. At one point, he thinks he's kidnapped Santa, except it's Dropo in a spare Santa costume which was made for Santa by Kimar's wife Momar. Also, for some reason Momar decided to make Santa a spare beard, but whatever. Anyway, Voldar and his cronies somehow can't tell Dropo apart from Santa, even though Dropo has a GREEN HELMET ON HIS HEAD the whole time, while Santa has not, nor will he ever, wear a green helmet with antenna sticking up. You know, for a technologicly advanced people, the Martians sure are stupid.

- I would be remiss if I didn't discuss Santa's kidnapping. For one, their was a polar bear roaming around, which really was just a guy in a really cheap bear costume. Also, to kidnap Santa, the Martians sent out a robot named Torg to do the deed. Torg looked like an air conditioner with arms and legs and a coffee pot head, and moved about as swift as Cecil Fielder. Why the Martians decided to have Torg as their ultimate weapon is a mystery that will never be solved, as Santa disposed of him quite easily. Finally, the Martians have to come in their themselves, and Voldar freezes a couple of elves and Mrs. Claus (who, in the short time on film she had, somehow was the most annoying character in the movie due to her non-stop nagging), much to the relief of the audience. Finally, they take Santa peacefully, as Santa seemed more concerned about a future tongue-lashing from his wife then anything the Martians may of had in store for him. Perhaps all Santa needs is a good divorce lawyer.

- Not only did this episode feature Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, it also features a performance of one of the greatest Christmas carols of all time, a Patrick Swayze Christmas. Yes, it's as great as it sounds. Just listen to it here:



Overall, this is the type of movie that would probably be made more enjoyable through the use of hallucinogenic drugs. Unfortunately, I don't do drugs, and I don't recommend that you do any either. Actually, this type of movie is just ripe for parody, as it's really so bad that it's funny, and the constant barbs make this episode even funnier. Overall, I'd give the movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martains a 0.90 out of 10, and the episode a 6.9 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.

Canon MST3K Review: Santa Claus

Hey, it's almost Christmas, as I am sure you have noticed. So in the spirit of Christmas I decided to sit back and watch an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. This episode featured the 1959 Mexican film titled Santa Claus, which has been dubbed over for American audiences. Thank God they did, as this film deserves to be appreciated by all of Earth's children. It's just that good. Well, actually it's one of the strangest films I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. Santa Claus was adapted for American audiences by a man named K. Gordan Murray, who also was the narrator in this cinematic effort. In this film, Santa and his child helpers are not situated at the North Pole, but instead they have a compound somewhere out in space, with a powerful enough telescope to zoom in on any house on Earth. Also, Santa has a powerful enemy in Satan, who sends a demon named Pitch to earth to thwart Santa Claus's attempts at bringing joy to all the children around the world. A few more notes about this episode, and yes there are SPOILERS, so in case you want to watch the movie sometime then you may want to stop reading. Then again, I can't see why you would want to, so I encourage you to read on.

- At the beginning of the movie, Santa is sitting on a bench playing a giant organ as children from all around the world sing various songs from their region. The singing is terrible, most of the songs aren't even Christmas songs and the whole thing lasts about seven minutes and is accompanied by Santa playing and laughing like a maniac, which would become a common sight throughout the movie. To make matters worse, the stereotyping of the various kids is politically incorrect at best (especially Africa, and according to this movie, all American children are cowboys). Not only that, but these kids actually spend their days and nights slaving away for Santa's enterprise, taking the place of the elves that normally work for Santa. I guess Santa had his operations base moved into outer space because by golly, there are no child labor laws outside of the Earth's atmosphere.

- After the viewers are tortured with horrendous singing from all around the globe, we cut to Hades, where a few demons in tight red costumes perform a dance number for what I assume is Satan's enjoyment. After that gets completed, a demon named Pitch is selected to muddle up Santa's mission, and if he doesn't do it, Pitch will have to eat a lot of chocolate ice cream. Apparently Pitch is lactose intolerant. Pitch as a whole seems, well, a wee bit effeminate, to say the least, and his skin tight uniform does not do him, or us, any favors. Every time he gets on screen, Pitch is usually seen prancing around like a schoolgirl before doing whatever dastardly deed he's going to do. Although I will say that Pitch does stoop to some rather low tactics to get what he wants, he's mainly used as a source of slapstick comedy until the end, where he finally gets smart and does a couple of things right.

- The story also centers around a few kids from Mexico City. There's Billy, the rich kid who gets a whole lot of toys but only wants more attention from his parents, who instead decide to spend Christmas Eve night at a cocktail party. There's Lupita, a poor girl who only wants a doll for Christmas, yet has never gotten one even though she's been good over the years. Also, there are three young boys who are never named and may or may not be brothers, but they're angry at the world about something so they decide to lash out and eventually, with Pitch's assistance, come up with a plan to kidnap Santa and take all of his toys. Oh please, like they're the first kids to think up that scheme. As it turns out, the worldwide battle of good and evil between Santa and Pitch will be centralized around five children in Mexico. Well, that's nice to know.

- The Santa Claus in this movie is, how shall I put it, crazy as a loon. He is prone to fits of hysterical laughter, has a horde of children working for him, and most disturbing of all, Santa has the power to not only see children while they're sleeping, he can also see their dreams. There are two scenes involving Santa in this film that would freak me the freak out when I was a kid. The first one was when all the kids' letters to Santa came, and Santa, with the look of a Manson follower in his eyes, laughs hysterically while swimming in all of the letters for about a minute before getting to business and reading the letters. The second one is when Santa cranks up the toy reindeer, as in this version, Santa's reindeer are actually toys that need to be cranked in order to work. Anywho, Santa successfully cranks the reindeer, as their toy eyes and legs start to move, Santa starts the chuckle like a madman once again. But what makes it worse is that the toy reindeer join Santa in a laughing fit that makes it both look and sound like a demented creature from a horror film. Also, for some reason there's a pentagram on Santa's wall. Um, I don't think I want this Santa coming down my chimney.

- There are a couple of other eccentricities that I want to mention. One is that Santa has another assistant, and its none other than the wizard Merlin, who provides Santa with some sort of special powder that will put children to sleep, and a flower that allows Santa to disappear. Yes, Merlin the magical wizard works alongside Santa Claus. Why not just toss in Don Quixote while you're at it? The other involves Lupita's dad, who can't seem to find work. The reason behind this might be because he's looking for a job in the early morning hours on CHRISTMAS DAY, where nothing is sure to be open except for the odd bar of club and apparently the nightclub where Billy's parents decided to party at.

Overall, I can't believe this movie was made for kids. It's just way too weird and has a couple of scenes that may very well give me nightmares tonight.  It is a rather hilarious episode, as this movie is just begging to be picked apart, and Mike and the Bots do not disappoint in riffing this movie. Overall, I'd give the movie a 0.59 out of 10, but I'd give the episode a 7.02 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.

The Canon Review Presents: Christmas Commercials

Yes my friends, it is that time of year once again. Where Santa Claus becomes a bigger television presence than Jay Leno, where beer companies trot out videos of horses riding through the snow, where store after store talks about their place being the best place to go for your holiday shopping. Yes, Christmas is coming, and with that comes tons and tons of commercials proclaiming 'Happy Holidays' while trying to convince you to buy some overpriced junk in the spirit of peace and goodwill. So with that in mind, Canon Review reader Dickson S. came up with a topic to review. He describes it as follows: 

"Find and post three really terrible Christmas commercials off of youtube.com and explain why you think they just are not very good. Christmas is coming around once again and I always hate with a passion most all of the Christmas commercials. See if you can find ones from years past. I know I remember some that make me hurt already. Good luck!"

Well, all right then. Let's get this started, shall we?

Video 1: 1980's 7-Up Christmas Commercial

Like many a Christmas commercial, this one features Santa Claus and his elves and is set at the North Pole. Apparently in the 7-Up version of the North Pole, the elves look exactly like miniature replicas of Santa Claus, white beard and all. Anyway, it's a hard day's night up at the North Pole, as Santa is bushed and the elves are fatigued after making Cabbage Patch Kids or whatever. So Santa goes to the fridge, which is filled with nothing but 7-Up. He uses some sort of summoning power to grab a can and takes a sip, which inexplicably sends the elves into some sort of euphoric tizzy. The elves themselves start drinking seven up and act as if there isn't a care in the world. I guess 7-Up is much like an alcoholic beverage to the elves. To me it tastes like flat Sprite, but to each their own I suppose. I'll give it a 2 out of 5.

Video #2: Dad Got Hosed: Verizon Christmas Commercial

If there is anything I detest in this world, it is cell phone commercials. They're all stupid and either showing off a bunch of apps you don't need or full of the type of people you wouldn't associate yourself with because they're either too self involved, greedy, or both. In this wonderful commercial, a father is reviewing what he gave his kids, which are two of the hottest cell phones around at this time along with an entire network of creeps following their every move, making sure that they always have a signal. Meanwhile, the father asks his kids what he got, and after one of them weakly responds 'aftershave', dad corrects her by saying "Dad got hosed". Well, isn't that a lovely message to send during the holiday season. Yes, nobody likes getting aftershave, but thanks a lot dad, for making everybody feel awkward about enjoying their new phones. Also, I'm not exactly sure what he expected his kids to get him, and besides, isn't Christmas more about giving than receiving? Not according to the good folks at Verizon. I'm giving this crap a 0.29 out of 5.

Video #3: Funny N64 Christmas Ad - 1998 

This title is clearly a misnomer, because there's nothing funny about this ad whatsoever. In this commercial, four teenagers sing a spoof of Jingle Bells voicing their displeasure over their Christmas gifts. They continue to sing by explaining that instead of CD no one knows, they would have rather gotten games for the N64 like Turok and South Park. Well, it could be worse, they could have gotten Superman 64. I don't know how hearing a bunch of spoiled brats singing off key makes anybody want to play Nintendo 64 games, but what do I know? I'll give it a 0.50 and stop thinking about it.

Video #4: 1980's Kentucky Fried Chicken Christmas Commercial

Although the original request called for three, here's an extra bad commercial. In this commercial, an Ebernezer Scrooge character is befuddled by the high prices of Christmas shopping. Lucky for him, Kentucky Fried Chicken has a deal, selling a nine piece box for $5.59, and a 15 piece bucket for $9.29. Well, old Scrooge went a little bit overboard after hearing this news, as the end of the commercial shows Scrooge in front of a giant pile of boxes and buckets of chicken. So, either everyone he knows is going to get some second-rate fast food chicken, or Scrooge is stocking up for the apocalypse. Even so, I'd rather deal with this commercial than an ad with a bunch of spoiled teens singing poorly. I'll give it a 1.4 out of 5.

 

Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts on this or other posts, or ideas for future posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com