Here is a look at episode 820 of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the infamous 1988 film Space Mutiny, or if you prefer, Mutiny in Space. This fine piece of South African cinema was directed by David Winters (who also directed Linda Lovelace for President) and stars a bunch of actors whom you've never heard of and quite honestly will not hear about any time in the near future. There are a lot of things that happen in Space Mutiny, but only a few make any sense whatsoever. I will say that there is a mutiny, in space, led by a Lt. Kalgan, who wants to get out of space and land the space craft the Southern Sun on another planet. The commander refuses to do so because of some decree 13 generations ago. Also, a pilot somehow appears on the ship after an explosion accidentally blows his craft up and kills his professor or something, and all of a sudden the pilot that has little stake in the whole Southern Sun project is fighting Kalgan for control. Also, there's an engineer with a cane that's involved somehow, and the commander's daughter falls for the pilot, so there's also that. A few notes about this episode:
- Honestly, with a movie like Space Mutiny, in which there are so many bad qualities about it, it's hard to pick out where to start. Let's just say that this movie is so bad that neither the director nor the co-director (Neal Sundstrom, who actually directed most of this film) wanted to be credited with the director title of this film. After seeing this, I can see why neither man wanted this mess laid at their feet. The best parts of the film were probably the scenes where they recycled old footage from Battlestar Galactica, and even then, the footage plays backwards. Everything else is either terrible or just strange.
- According to Space Mutiny, in the future, space ships will be equipped with a whole lot of Commodore 64s that run the day to day operations of the ship. Also, there will be keyboards mounted on the walls for whatever reason, and instead of video surveillance of enemy ships, we instead have to rely on a radar detection screen that looks a lot like the old game Asteroids. In other words, man is this film dated or what. Furthermore, the Southern Sun's 'Enforcers' are each given vehicles that look suspiciously like floor buffers and move about as fast as a Power Wheels car. A strange time, this future.
- The main star in this farce of a movie is a pilot named Dave Ryder, who soon after his arrival, becomes the key man in fighting off the mutiny. This in spite of the fact that he only came onto the ship because he crashed his spacecraft into the giant Southern Sun and had to phase himself onto the ship to avoid death, a fate that did befall his professor. Nevertheless, he soon takes over as pilot of the Southern Sun, I guess because the commander's the type of fellow that believes in second chances. Dave is played by Reb Brown, and if you want any idea of his acting style, think Dolph Lundgren without the charisma and add a girly scream. At least Reb looks the part of an action hero, as he looks like he lifts weights about 10 hours a day. This leads to the MST3K crew coming up with humourus 'manly' names throughout the movie like Punch Rockgroin, Slate Slabrock, Flint Ironstag, and my favorite, Big McLargehuge.
- Dave eventually falls for the commander's daughter Lea (Cisse Cameron), who looks more like the commander's younger sister than daughter. Even though Lea is supposed to be the young hottie in the film, she's actually in her late thirties and has a hairstyle that makes her look fifteen years older than that. Lea, like most women on this ship, is primarily adorned in a one piece leotard with silver fringes around the shoulder. I guess in the future, the men get to wear full body uniforms and the women, well, do not. Anyway, Lea seduces Big McLargehuge with a dance that involves a hula hoop and rhythm less dancing, which was supposed to be seductive but comes across as just plain weird. The two then begin a whirlwind romance in which they show very little chemistry. Interestingly enough, Brown and Cameron are married to each other in real life, which seems to prove the old adage that if an on-screen couple is incapable of showing romantic chemistry on-screen, then they must be involved off-screen. Lea must be a hard person to control, as the commander expresses that he wishes he could control Lea 'as well as I can control this ship'. He says this, by the way, during the middle of a MUTINY. Honestly, I can't believe this commander could have authority over a ham sandwich, much less an entire space ship.
- Of course, no summary of Space Mutiny could be complete without mentioning the leader of the Mutiny, Col. Elijah Kalgan. Played by John Phillip Law. Kalgan is the epitome of evil. After all, he uses an evil, manacial laugh at least 10 times during the film, so you know he must be bad. Kalgan also employs a stare in which it looks as if he's trying to force his skull out of his skin. He also seems to be a fan of torture, and is rarely seen without his personal bodyguard (who is a rather normal looking guy instead of a musclehead like our hero) around. One could argue that Law was overacting as Kalgan, but considering the lack of acting around him, it was at least refreshing to see someone try in this film.
- Man, this movie loved the use of railings. Since the majority of Space Mutiny seemed to be set in a water treatment plant, there were a lot of stair cases and catwalks to be used, and by God they used those to great effect. There were at least 15 people killed off in this movie that either flipped over a railing or were blown off a catwalk and landed on the ground. Heck, somebody even made a compilation video of all the 'railing' deaths in Space Mutiny:
Overall, this episode is one of those that stand out just because of how bad this film is. Any time a character is killed off in one scene and somehow shows up in the next scene, well, you know you've got an all-time bad movie on hand. The skits in this episode were average at best, but the riffing on the movie is hilarious. Overall, I'd give the movie an 0.56 out of 10, but the episode a 7.9 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this post, or ideas for future reviews, than share those thoughts and ideas either by leaving a comment on the blog or by sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.
Showing posts with label bad movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad movies. Show all posts
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Canon MST3K Review: The Beatniks
Today review is a look back at episode 415 of Mystery Science Theater 3000, The Beatniks. Released in 1960 and directed by Paul Frees (the voice of Boris Badenov and the original voice of the Pillsbury Doughboy) in his only directorial effort, The Beatniks stars Tony Travis, Karen Kadler, Peter Breck (who starred on Maverick and The Big Valley), Joyce Henry, Bob Wells, and Sam Edwards (the banker on Little House on the Prairie. In The Beatniks, a young singer named Eddy Crane (Travis) is discovered at a diner by an agent named Bayliss (Charles Delaney), whose car just happened to break down in front of the diner. The agent is so impressed that he offers Eddy a spot on a talent showcase, and Eddy wows the audience. Along the way, he falls for Bayliss's assistant Helen (Henry). The only thing keeping Eddy from being a star is his beatnik friends, particularly his girlfriend Iris (Kadler) and the mentally unbalanced Bob Mooney (Breck). A few notes about this episode, and there will be SPOILERS, so read carefully.
- This movie has many problems going for it. However, the biggest problem is that in a movie called The Beatniks, there are no actual beatniks in this movie. Where are the bongos? the berets? the weird facial hair? There's not even a hint of beat poetry in this film. Instead, these so-called 'Beatniks' are usually adorned in leather coats and seem more like a 'greaser' gang than anything else. They seem to prefer generic 50s style rock music, and the only thing that could be defined as 'counter-culture' about them is their criminal lifestyle. There's nothing resembling anything related to Jack Kerouac and Allan Ginsburg in this movie whatsoever.
- The leader of the gang is Eddy. He and his gang go and rob the same liquor store over and over whenever they need money, wearing some sort of crude homemade kabuki masks as a disguise. After a chance meeting with an agent at a diner (after they damaged his car, mind you). The agent, Delaney goes all ga-ga over Eddy's voice and offers him a chance to sing. While Eddy's voice isn't too bad, the problem is that it's rather obvious that the actor (Tony Travis) is lip-synching the song, and rather poorly I might add. Since about a fourth of this movie is devoted to showing Eddy sing, that tends to become a problem. While most of the songs are you typical generic love songs that one would expect from a poor man's Perry Como, Eddy's first song in the diner has some lyrics that are, well, interesting, with a chorus of 'Sideburns don't need sympathy'. They don't? Besides, how would Eddy know, since he doesn't even have any.
- Eddy has two main love interests in this film. His original girl is Iris (Kadler), a clingy type who becomes kind of annoying after a while. Not to be mean, but I assume Eddy dates her because she has a car or something. After Eddy starts his singing career, he starts to fall for his agent's assistant, a platinum blonde named Helen. Helen has a smile that reminds me of the pro wrestler Edge, and that's not necessarily a compliment. I wouldn't say she's bad looking, but her eyes and mouth seem to be too big for her face. As the movie progresses, a love triangle ensues, although it's not all together suspenseful and the movie makes it pretty obvious who Eddy prefers.
- Despite being a bunch of hooligans who are called beatniks but not actually beatniks, Eddy and the rest of his gang are mainly just a bunch of harmless goofballs who just happen to be too rowdy for their own good. That is, except for Bob 'Moon' Mooney. To say that Mooney was crazy would be an understatement. He walked around as if he were on an all-day heroin binge, and did strange things frequently, such as grinding his hips against a table while sitting down. Mooney becomes so unhinged that he becomes a danger to friend and foe alike, and eventually he kills a bartender. While Mooney was meant to be a bit of a nut, actor Peter Breck does such an over-the-top and hammy job that it makes Mooney look like a second-rate caricature of a psychotic man. For example, when a hotel clerk comes to tell the gang that they're making too much noise, Mooney gets right in the guy's face, and with a crazy look in his eye, puts his finger on his throat, and says that if the hotel manager tells anyone about this, he'll 'moon you'. I guess that had a different meaning back then. Mooney later has a meltdown in the hotel room, which is one of the worst examples of overacting that I've ever seen. I was shocked to learn that Breck had the most successful career of anybody in this film, as he's just terrible in The Beatniks.
- This episode also features a short clip from General Hospital, circa 1963 or so. It's quite a dull clip, as four people are having dinner, with two of them celebrating their recent engagement and the other two just look bored out of their minds. The segment is by far the weakest of the episode. The host segments in this episode were pretty good, all in all, particularly Joel and the 'bots explaining how to define a beatnik and the rise and fall of musical sensation Tom Servo.
Overall, yes, The Beatniks is a bad movie. But it's the type of bad movie that is full of unintentional comedy and, while dumb, isn't painful to watch a la Red Zone Cuba. There are quite a few laughs in this episode, and the overacting of Mooney provides many comedic moments. Overall, I'd give the movie a 2.8 out of 10, but the episode a 7.3 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this or other posts, or ideas for future posts, than let me know about them either by leaving a comment on the blog or sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.
- This movie has many problems going for it. However, the biggest problem is that in a movie called The Beatniks, there are no actual beatniks in this movie. Where are the bongos? the berets? the weird facial hair? There's not even a hint of beat poetry in this film. Instead, these so-called 'Beatniks' are usually adorned in leather coats and seem more like a 'greaser' gang than anything else. They seem to prefer generic 50s style rock music, and the only thing that could be defined as 'counter-culture' about them is their criminal lifestyle. There's nothing resembling anything related to Jack Kerouac and Allan Ginsburg in this movie whatsoever.
- The leader of the gang is Eddy. He and his gang go and rob the same liquor store over and over whenever they need money, wearing some sort of crude homemade kabuki masks as a disguise. After a chance meeting with an agent at a diner (after they damaged his car, mind you). The agent, Delaney goes all ga-ga over Eddy's voice and offers him a chance to sing. While Eddy's voice isn't too bad, the problem is that it's rather obvious that the actor (Tony Travis) is lip-synching the song, and rather poorly I might add. Since about a fourth of this movie is devoted to showing Eddy sing, that tends to become a problem. While most of the songs are you typical generic love songs that one would expect from a poor man's Perry Como, Eddy's first song in the diner has some lyrics that are, well, interesting, with a chorus of 'Sideburns don't need sympathy'. They don't? Besides, how would Eddy know, since he doesn't even have any.
- Eddy has two main love interests in this film. His original girl is Iris (Kadler), a clingy type who becomes kind of annoying after a while. Not to be mean, but I assume Eddy dates her because she has a car or something. After Eddy starts his singing career, he starts to fall for his agent's assistant, a platinum blonde named Helen. Helen has a smile that reminds me of the pro wrestler Edge, and that's not necessarily a compliment. I wouldn't say she's bad looking, but her eyes and mouth seem to be too big for her face. As the movie progresses, a love triangle ensues, although it's not all together suspenseful and the movie makes it pretty obvious who Eddy prefers.
- Despite being a bunch of hooligans who are called beatniks but not actually beatniks, Eddy and the rest of his gang are mainly just a bunch of harmless goofballs who just happen to be too rowdy for their own good. That is, except for Bob 'Moon' Mooney. To say that Mooney was crazy would be an understatement. He walked around as if he were on an all-day heroin binge, and did strange things frequently, such as grinding his hips against a table while sitting down. Mooney becomes so unhinged that he becomes a danger to friend and foe alike, and eventually he kills a bartender. While Mooney was meant to be a bit of a nut, actor Peter Breck does such an over-the-top and hammy job that it makes Mooney look like a second-rate caricature of a psychotic man. For example, when a hotel clerk comes to tell the gang that they're making too much noise, Mooney gets right in the guy's face, and with a crazy look in his eye, puts his finger on his throat, and says that if the hotel manager tells anyone about this, he'll 'moon you'. I guess that had a different meaning back then. Mooney later has a meltdown in the hotel room, which is one of the worst examples of overacting that I've ever seen. I was shocked to learn that Breck had the most successful career of anybody in this film, as he's just terrible in The Beatniks.
- This episode also features a short clip from General Hospital, circa 1963 or so. It's quite a dull clip, as four people are having dinner, with two of them celebrating their recent engagement and the other two just look bored out of their minds. The segment is by far the weakest of the episode. The host segments in this episode were pretty good, all in all, particularly Joel and the 'bots explaining how to define a beatnik and the rise and fall of musical sensation Tom Servo.
Overall, yes, The Beatniks is a bad movie. But it's the type of bad movie that is full of unintentional comedy and, while dumb, isn't painful to watch a la Red Zone Cuba. There are quite a few laughs in this episode, and the overacting of Mooney provides many comedic moments. Overall, I'd give the movie a 2.8 out of 10, but the episode a 7.3 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this or other posts, or ideas for future posts, than let me know about them either by leaving a comment on the blog or sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Today's little piece of Christmas Spirit is episode 321 of Mystery Science Theater, the 1964 cinematic effort Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. This is the second time I've seen this movie, but the first time I was feeling a twinge masochistic and watched the original uncut version without any commentary from talking robots. Starring future Golden Globe winning actress Pia Zadora, John Call as Santa Claus, the guy that played Ralph on the Jeffersons, and a lot of people who inexplicably never acted in another movie again. Directed by Nicholas Webster (who went on to direct an episode of Get Smart and The Waltons), Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is about Santa Claus, who gets abducted by Martians in order to cheer up the autonomous children of Mars. Also, the Martians kidnap two earth children named Billy and Betty along the way, and somehow they team up to bring Christmas cheer and joy to the fine citizens of Mars. But not everyone is happy about this, as a martian named Voldar is concerned that the introduction of toys will make the children annoying and bratty, much like Earth children :). A few notes about this movie:
- In this claptrap of a film, the Martians are presented as highly developed beings who can travel to Earth whenever they please and their ships are built with radar shields so they can't be detected. They also wear green helmets with antennas and skin tight green jumpsuits. Mars also has powerful enough satellites so they can watch Earth programs on their television sets, which concerned Kimar, as his kids seem to do nothing but watch TV. You know, just like Earth. At the very least, Kimar should be thankful that cable television wasn't around back then, or those children would never leave. Also, Mars eats food in pill form, which sounds about as enjoyable as eating dirt, and apparently have never heard of a handshake, as they prefer to greet each other with light headbutts.
- Most of the Martians seem to be of higher intelligence, except for Dropo, who must be the village idiot of Mars. Dropo acts like a dumber version of Barney Fife. I'm not exactly clear what exactly Dropo's role is, but it must be something important considering he's in direct contact with the chief of the Martians. In the movie, Dropo's the token dumb comic relief and he's about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face. After a while, I was rooting for Dropo to be dropped, so to speak. Instead his role just grows and grows, as he becomes a key figure at the end of the film.
- The Santa Claus in this film is not quite as strange as the Kris Kringle in the film I reviewed last week, but is still a bit unsettling nonetheless. Like the other Santa Claus, he is prone to fits of laughter in even the most mundane circumstances. There's one scene in the movie, where Santa and Billy and Betty meet Kimar's kids, Bomar and Girmar (very original names, fellows), and Santa just burst into a serial-killer esque laughing fit. To make things worse, the kids join in, and each of the martian kids (especially Girmar, played by Zadora) have this strange far away look in their eyes while laughing as if they heard the world's greatest joke. It's actually quite unsettling, to be honest.
- Every story must have some sort of conflict, and this movie's conflict comes from a martian named Voldar. We know he's evil because he's the only martian with a mustache. Voldar just hates the idea of Martian children having fun in their lives, to the point where he repeatedly tries to have Santa and the two Earth children killed in gruesome fashion. It's actually pretty heavy stuff for what's supposed to be a kid's movie. Fortunately for Voldar, he's surrounded by idiots, so he gets opportunity after opportunity to thwart Kimar's scheme and prevent Martian children from getting wooden trains and other toys. Unfortunately for Voldar, he's not nearly as smart as he thinks he is, as he's constantly stopped by Santa and Billy. At one point, he thinks he's kidnapped Santa, except it's Dropo in a spare Santa costume which was made for Santa by Kimar's wife Momar. Also, for some reason Momar decided to make Santa a spare beard, but whatever. Anyway, Voldar and his cronies somehow can't tell Dropo apart from Santa, even though Dropo has a GREEN HELMET ON HIS HEAD the whole time, while Santa has not, nor will he ever, wear a green helmet with antenna sticking up. You know, for a technologicly advanced people, the Martians sure are stupid.
- I would be remiss if I didn't discuss Santa's kidnapping. For one, their was a polar bear roaming around, which really was just a guy in a really cheap bear costume. Also, to kidnap Santa, the Martians sent out a robot named Torg to do the deed. Torg looked like an air conditioner with arms and legs and a coffee pot head, and moved about as swift as Cecil Fielder. Why the Martians decided to have Torg as their ultimate weapon is a mystery that will never be solved, as Santa disposed of him quite easily. Finally, the Martians have to come in their themselves, and Voldar freezes a couple of elves and Mrs. Claus (who, in the short time on film she had, somehow was the most annoying character in the movie due to her non-stop nagging), much to the relief of the audience. Finally, they take Santa peacefully, as Santa seemed more concerned about a future tongue-lashing from his wife then anything the Martians may of had in store for him. Perhaps all Santa needs is a good divorce lawyer.
- Not only did this episode feature Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, it also features a performance of one of the greatest Christmas carols of all time, a Patrick Swayze Christmas. Yes, it's as great as it sounds. Just listen to it here:
Overall, this is the type of movie that would probably be made more enjoyable through the use of hallucinogenic drugs. Unfortunately, I don't do drugs, and I don't recommend that you do any either. Actually, this type of movie is just ripe for parody, as it's really so bad that it's funny, and the constant barbs make this episode even funnier. Overall, I'd give the movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martains a 0.90 out of 10, and the episode a 6.9 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
- In this claptrap of a film, the Martians are presented as highly developed beings who can travel to Earth whenever they please and their ships are built with radar shields so they can't be detected. They also wear green helmets with antennas and skin tight green jumpsuits. Mars also has powerful enough satellites so they can watch Earth programs on their television sets, which concerned Kimar, as his kids seem to do nothing but watch TV. You know, just like Earth. At the very least, Kimar should be thankful that cable television wasn't around back then, or those children would never leave. Also, Mars eats food in pill form, which sounds about as enjoyable as eating dirt, and apparently have never heard of a handshake, as they prefer to greet each other with light headbutts.
- Most of the Martians seem to be of higher intelligence, except for Dropo, who must be the village idiot of Mars. Dropo acts like a dumber version of Barney Fife. I'm not exactly clear what exactly Dropo's role is, but it must be something important considering he's in direct contact with the chief of the Martians. In the movie, Dropo's the token dumb comic relief and he's about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face. After a while, I was rooting for Dropo to be dropped, so to speak. Instead his role just grows and grows, as he becomes a key figure at the end of the film.
- The Santa Claus in this film is not quite as strange as the Kris Kringle in the film I reviewed last week, but is still a bit unsettling nonetheless. Like the other Santa Claus, he is prone to fits of laughter in even the most mundane circumstances. There's one scene in the movie, where Santa and Billy and Betty meet Kimar's kids, Bomar and Girmar (very original names, fellows), and Santa just burst into a serial-killer esque laughing fit. To make things worse, the kids join in, and each of the martian kids (especially Girmar, played by Zadora) have this strange far away look in their eyes while laughing as if they heard the world's greatest joke. It's actually quite unsettling, to be honest.
- Every story must have some sort of conflict, and this movie's conflict comes from a martian named Voldar. We know he's evil because he's the only martian with a mustache. Voldar just hates the idea of Martian children having fun in their lives, to the point where he repeatedly tries to have Santa and the two Earth children killed in gruesome fashion. It's actually pretty heavy stuff for what's supposed to be a kid's movie. Fortunately for Voldar, he's surrounded by idiots, so he gets opportunity after opportunity to thwart Kimar's scheme and prevent Martian children from getting wooden trains and other toys. Unfortunately for Voldar, he's not nearly as smart as he thinks he is, as he's constantly stopped by Santa and Billy. At one point, he thinks he's kidnapped Santa, except it's Dropo in a spare Santa costume which was made for Santa by Kimar's wife Momar. Also, for some reason Momar decided to make Santa a spare beard, but whatever. Anyway, Voldar and his cronies somehow can't tell Dropo apart from Santa, even though Dropo has a GREEN HELMET ON HIS HEAD the whole time, while Santa has not, nor will he ever, wear a green helmet with antenna sticking up. You know, for a technologicly advanced people, the Martians sure are stupid.
- I would be remiss if I didn't discuss Santa's kidnapping. For one, their was a polar bear roaming around, which really was just a guy in a really cheap bear costume. Also, to kidnap Santa, the Martians sent out a robot named Torg to do the deed. Torg looked like an air conditioner with arms and legs and a coffee pot head, and moved about as swift as Cecil Fielder. Why the Martians decided to have Torg as their ultimate weapon is a mystery that will never be solved, as Santa disposed of him quite easily. Finally, the Martians have to come in their themselves, and Voldar freezes a couple of elves and Mrs. Claus (who, in the short time on film she had, somehow was the most annoying character in the movie due to her non-stop nagging), much to the relief of the audience. Finally, they take Santa peacefully, as Santa seemed more concerned about a future tongue-lashing from his wife then anything the Martians may of had in store for him. Perhaps all Santa needs is a good divorce lawyer.
- Not only did this episode feature Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, it also features a performance of one of the greatest Christmas carols of all time, a Patrick Swayze Christmas. Yes, it's as great as it sounds. Just listen to it here:
Overall, this is the type of movie that would probably be made more enjoyable through the use of hallucinogenic drugs. Unfortunately, I don't do drugs, and I don't recommend that you do any either. Actually, this type of movie is just ripe for parody, as it's really so bad that it's funny, and the constant barbs make this episode even funnier. Overall, I'd give the movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martains a 0.90 out of 10, and the episode a 6.9 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: The Creeping Terror
With Halloween fast approaching, many television networks have been showing horror movie after horror movie, full of monsters and mayhem and all sorts of terror. Well, one movie that hopefully will not be shown is the 1964 horror classic The Creeping Terror. Considered one of the worst movies of all-time, The Creeping Terror was produced, and directed by Art J. Nelson, who also starred in the film under the alias Vic Savage. The Creeping Terror also starred a giant monster composed mainly of sewn together carpet pieces and powered by a team of college students. Since the film was shot in the desert, I'm absolutely positive that being under that suit was not a fun experience to say the least. The film also stars a bunch of people you've never heard of, and for good reason. The plot of this monstrosity is rather simple, a monster has landed from outer space, and has started to eat people. So it's up to acting sheriff Martin (Savage), his wife, his deputy, a scientist, and the country's worst infantry unit to slow this thing down before everyone gets swallowed up. A few thoughts about this film.
- The monster, to put it nicely, moves at a glacial pace. I've seen houses move faster than this monster. So to say it's creeping is accurate. Nevertheless, despite its lack of speed, the monster is an effective killing machine for one reason and one reason only. Each one of his victims refuse to escape in any form. With the exception of the boyfriend leaving his girl to die by crab-walking on out of there, the victims just scream a lot and stare into the monster's eyes, waiting for it to crawl over them and swallow them whole. As Mike wondered during the film, "did people not run during the 50s"? Even if the victims were to walk at a brisk pace, they would avoid their doom, but I guess that was just too advanced for this film.
- To make matters worse, since the monster really couldn't do anything, all of its victims had to physically crawl in to the contraption of carpets. This is especially noticable in the first feeding scene, where the girl in the bikini is eaten by the monster. What is also noticable is that the camera lingers for a rather long time on the girl's backside and legs squirming around trying to get out (or in, I suppose) of the monster's clutches. This is not the last time that we get to see this shot, and it's shown so much that I wonder if the director has a fetish involving women squirming in giant monsters or something.
- Most of the film's dialogue is narrated. In fact, the narration is so through that instead of hearing the characters carry out conversations, we basically get a summary of what is being talked about from the narrator. It's kind of annoying, to be honest, and being told that the colonel told the scientist to go to hell doesn't have the same impact as hearing the words from the horse's mouth would. According to rumor, Nelson may not have had much of choice, as it's been mentioned that the original soundtrack was lost and in a last-ditch effort, Nelson was forced to have the narrator talk over the film. Of course, it's also been reported that Nelson just wanted to save money, so he had a narrator talk in a studio over the footage. Considering the poor camera work, lack of production values, and cheap monster, I tend to believe the latter is true.
- Then again, that may have been a smart idea, as what little dialogue spoken by the actors is not only poorly dubbed, but the actors are just awful. It seems as if whoever is in the movie is unable to accurately portray fear, anger, or much else for that matter. Some of the acting is so bad that it needs to be seen to be believed.
- The most confusing sequence in the whole movie, and by golly there are a lot of them, is when Martin brings his deputy Barney over to his house for drinks. About halfway through, the narrator starts jumping in telling the audience about how Martin's marriage has changed his relationship with Barney, and basically saying that Barney should suck it up because getting married is what real men do or something. I think somebody involved with the film was tired of his friends ragging on his marriage. The scene ends with the happy couple making out like two clumsy teenagers, while poor Barney is sitting right next to them on the couch. Well, I think that's just rude, and really puts Barney in an awkward situation. Judge for yourself and see if you agree:
There's more, oh yes, there's more. Like the hootenanny and the third-rate folk rock, and the dance hall scene where all sorts of subplots pop up out of nowhere, and none of them gets resolved. Also, there's the mother that checks her baby's temperature in an unpleasant manner, although thankfully it's not shown, only implied, and that's not even mentioning the worst army in the history of cinema, accepting the team in the Pauly Shore classic In the Army Now. For bad movie lovers, this flick has it all, poor cinematography, a terrible plot, bad acting, bad sound, one of the worst monsters in cinematic history, women dancing in tight pants, and even a preachy message about marriage. Bottom line, this movie is so bad it's good, and the riffing by the MST3K crew, while humorous, is almost unnecessary due to the sheer ridiculousness of the original film. The Creeping Terror is not good, not good at all, but it is oddly captivating and at least it's not as bad as Red Zone Cuba. I'll give the movie a 1 out of 10, and the episode itself a 5.5 out of 10, as there's quite a few funny bits in between the film.
Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
- The monster, to put it nicely, moves at a glacial pace. I've seen houses move faster than this monster. So to say it's creeping is accurate. Nevertheless, despite its lack of speed, the monster is an effective killing machine for one reason and one reason only. Each one of his victims refuse to escape in any form. With the exception of the boyfriend leaving his girl to die by crab-walking on out of there, the victims just scream a lot and stare into the monster's eyes, waiting for it to crawl over them and swallow them whole. As Mike wondered during the film, "did people not run during the 50s"? Even if the victims were to walk at a brisk pace, they would avoid their doom, but I guess that was just too advanced for this film.
- To make matters worse, since the monster really couldn't do anything, all of its victims had to physically crawl in to the contraption of carpets. This is especially noticable in the first feeding scene, where the girl in the bikini is eaten by the monster. What is also noticable is that the camera lingers for a rather long time on the girl's backside and legs squirming around trying to get out (or in, I suppose) of the monster's clutches. This is not the last time that we get to see this shot, and it's shown so much that I wonder if the director has a fetish involving women squirming in giant monsters or something.
- Most of the film's dialogue is narrated. In fact, the narration is so through that instead of hearing the characters carry out conversations, we basically get a summary of what is being talked about from the narrator. It's kind of annoying, to be honest, and being told that the colonel told the scientist to go to hell doesn't have the same impact as hearing the words from the horse's mouth would. According to rumor, Nelson may not have had much of choice, as it's been mentioned that the original soundtrack was lost and in a last-ditch effort, Nelson was forced to have the narrator talk over the film. Of course, it's also been reported that Nelson just wanted to save money, so he had a narrator talk in a studio over the footage. Considering the poor camera work, lack of production values, and cheap monster, I tend to believe the latter is true.
- Then again, that may have been a smart idea, as what little dialogue spoken by the actors is not only poorly dubbed, but the actors are just awful. It seems as if whoever is in the movie is unable to accurately portray fear, anger, or much else for that matter. Some of the acting is so bad that it needs to be seen to be believed.
- The most confusing sequence in the whole movie, and by golly there are a lot of them, is when Martin brings his deputy Barney over to his house for drinks. About halfway through, the narrator starts jumping in telling the audience about how Martin's marriage has changed his relationship with Barney, and basically saying that Barney should suck it up because getting married is what real men do or something. I think somebody involved with the film was tired of his friends ragging on his marriage. The scene ends with the happy couple making out like two clumsy teenagers, while poor Barney is sitting right next to them on the couch. Well, I think that's just rude, and really puts Barney in an awkward situation. Judge for yourself and see if you agree:
There's more, oh yes, there's more. Like the hootenanny and the third-rate folk rock, and the dance hall scene where all sorts of subplots pop up out of nowhere, and none of them gets resolved. Also, there's the mother that checks her baby's temperature in an unpleasant manner, although thankfully it's not shown, only implied, and that's not even mentioning the worst army in the history of cinema, accepting the team in the Pauly Shore classic In the Army Now. For bad movie lovers, this flick has it all, poor cinematography, a terrible plot, bad acting, bad sound, one of the worst monsters in cinematic history, women dancing in tight pants, and even a preachy message about marriage. Bottom line, this movie is so bad it's good, and the riffing by the MST3K crew, while humorous, is almost unnecessary due to the sheer ridiculousness of the original film. The Creeping Terror is not good, not good at all, but it is oddly captivating and at least it's not as bad as Red Zone Cuba. I'll give the movie a 1 out of 10, and the episode itself a 5.5 out of 10, as there's quite a few funny bits in between the film.
Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any comments about this or previous posts, or ideas for future reviews or posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: The She Creature
Earlier this afternoon, I decided to watch Mystery Science Theatre 3000 episode 808, which is a little movie called The She Creature. Yes, The She Creature is as bad as it sounds. Anyway, this movie was made in 1956 and directed by Edward L. Cahn, who directed a whole bunch of other movies that are nowadays found on DVD for 1 dollar at Wal-Mart, and stars a lot of B-movie veterans such as the leading man of This Island Earth, Lance Fuller. The plot of this movie is as follows; a man named Dr. Carlo Lombardi is summoning up The She-Creature for reasons unknown, and the She-Creature is going around killing people. Meanwhile, Lombardi has a woman named Andrea under his hypnotic trance, and Lombardi is desperate to prove that his whole schtick of reverting people to past lives and summoning sea creatures is all legit. To do so, he tries to convince a Mr. Ted Erickson (Fuller), a professor of Psychic Research. Erickson is skeptical of Lombardi, but becomes smitten with Andrea and spends the rest of the movie trying to free Andrea from Lombardi's psychic hold. A few notes about this movie:
- Man, there's some bad acting in this film. Fuller in particular is just horrible, as his acting ranges from a state of disinterest to acting like he's been shot with a tranquilizer dart. He never bothers to make eye contact with any of the other actors, often has a blank stare on his face, and mumbles his lines to the point where you can't hear what he's saying and he just trails off. The show even featured a skit with Mike Nelson trying to perfect Lance Fuller's particular brand of acting, or non-acting, as it were. As it turns out, it was a little harder than expected, such is the depth of Fuller's wooden performance.
- Meanwhile, Dr. Lombardi, played by Chester Morris, was a deadly serious man who acts as if humor and wit is a foreign concept. He has a creepy relationship with Andrea, sends the She-Creature to kill innocent people for little to no reason and has an ego the size of Montana. Plus, he has a dark thin mustache and wears a cloak, so you know he's evil. He's also much more interesting than Erickson, so you kind of find yourself rooting for him to kill off Erickson.
- It was mentioned during the film that the woman playing Andrea (Marla English) should have been given a Purple Heart for her role in the film. That may be a little far, but considering she spent most of the movie with Lombardi right up in her face the whole time, and Lombardi is not a handsome man by any means, she should have at least been given a bonus.
- The best actor in this cast is, by far, the dog that played King. He barks and growls and cowers on command, and actually shows more than one emotion, unlike most of his costars. Actually, he was the only character I was interested in seeing on the screen.
- Erickson, for reasons unknown to me, hangs around an older rich gentleman named Chappel and his daughter Dorothy, who is smitten with the professor. This in spite of the fact that he expresses on multiple occasions a disdain for the wealthy and affluent. Yet he still keeps coming back to their parties, eating their food and being served by their butlers. What's more, Erickson has a rich, pretty blonde women whose way into him and seems to be pleasant enough, yet he chooses to go after Andrea, who has more baggage than the Atlanta airport and has all the personality of a house plant. Come to think of it, Erickson has that same personality, so maybe they're meant for each other.
- As for the She-Creature, well she's some sort of crustacean type who is about as big as The Great Khali and can not be slowed down with bullets. She also moves about as slow as the Great Khali, and her finishing move is the same as Khali's an overhead chop to the head, which is rather effective with her claw hands. Now, how can you tell she's a She-Creature, you ask? Well, the designers of the costume decided to make the She-Creature rather well-endowed, so to speak, making for one strange looking sea monster.
Overall, I think Mike Nelson summed it up best when he said that he'd like to put this movie in a stump grinder. There's so much wrong with this movie. The acting is terrible, the lighting is nearly as bad, and the plot is rather simple and full of holes to boot. Even the riffs on the movie seemed to be lacking something. I'd give the movie a 2.0 out of 10, and the episode a 4.8 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for future reviews, or comments about this review, then share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com
- Man, there's some bad acting in this film. Fuller in particular is just horrible, as his acting ranges from a state of disinterest to acting like he's been shot with a tranquilizer dart. He never bothers to make eye contact with any of the other actors, often has a blank stare on his face, and mumbles his lines to the point where you can't hear what he's saying and he just trails off. The show even featured a skit with Mike Nelson trying to perfect Lance Fuller's particular brand of acting, or non-acting, as it were. As it turns out, it was a little harder than expected, such is the depth of Fuller's wooden performance.
- Meanwhile, Dr. Lombardi, played by Chester Morris, was a deadly serious man who acts as if humor and wit is a foreign concept. He has a creepy relationship with Andrea, sends the She-Creature to kill innocent people for little to no reason and has an ego the size of Montana. Plus, he has a dark thin mustache and wears a cloak, so you know he's evil. He's also much more interesting than Erickson, so you kind of find yourself rooting for him to kill off Erickson.
- It was mentioned during the film that the woman playing Andrea (Marla English) should have been given a Purple Heart for her role in the film. That may be a little far, but considering she spent most of the movie with Lombardi right up in her face the whole time, and Lombardi is not a handsome man by any means, she should have at least been given a bonus.
- The best actor in this cast is, by far, the dog that played King. He barks and growls and cowers on command, and actually shows more than one emotion, unlike most of his costars. Actually, he was the only character I was interested in seeing on the screen.
- Erickson, for reasons unknown to me, hangs around an older rich gentleman named Chappel and his daughter Dorothy, who is smitten with the professor. This in spite of the fact that he expresses on multiple occasions a disdain for the wealthy and affluent. Yet he still keeps coming back to their parties, eating their food and being served by their butlers. What's more, Erickson has a rich, pretty blonde women whose way into him and seems to be pleasant enough, yet he chooses to go after Andrea, who has more baggage than the Atlanta airport and has all the personality of a house plant. Come to think of it, Erickson has that same personality, so maybe they're meant for each other.
- As for the She-Creature, well she's some sort of crustacean type who is about as big as The Great Khali and can not be slowed down with bullets. She also moves about as slow as the Great Khali, and her finishing move is the same as Khali's an overhead chop to the head, which is rather effective with her claw hands. Now, how can you tell she's a She-Creature, you ask? Well, the designers of the costume decided to make the She-Creature rather well-endowed, so to speak, making for one strange looking sea monster.
Overall, I think Mike Nelson summed it up best when he said that he'd like to put this movie in a stump grinder. There's so much wrong with this movie. The acting is terrible, the lighting is nearly as bad, and the plot is rather simple and full of holes to boot. Even the riffs on the movie seemed to be lacking something. I'd give the movie a 2.0 out of 10, and the episode a 4.8 out of 10. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for future reviews, or comments about this review, then share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com
Friday, June 4, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: Red Zone Cuba
Well, I should have known better. A few years ago, I saw the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version of Red Zone Cuba with some friends of mine. I remember it being very bad, but I had forgotten just how bad. Until today, when after coming home from work, I decided, what the hey, I'm going to watch me some Red Zone Cuba. Well, that was a mistake. Red Zone Cuba is not a movie for people that like movies or being entertained, rather, it is a task to prove how mentally tough one is. If you are able to survive it all in one setting, you should be proud of yourself. I survived, but with two caveats. One, I at least had the comforting words and jokes of Mike, Servo, and Crow, even if Mike seemed exhausted by the ineptness of this film halfway through, and two, this movie is so mentally draining that I had to get off the computer, take a step back, and sit on the couch for 10 minutes just to comprehend the horror I had just witnessed. As Crow said during the movie, "I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it in the ways it has hurt me." Directed, produced, and acted in by Coleman Francis, Red Zone Cuba is currently listed as the worst movie of all time according to the ratings system at IMDB.com. Say what you will about the denizens of that site, but they nailed one right on the head. A few notes from this torturous film.
- I would describe the plot, but I don't think they had a script. Instead they would film one sequence of scenes, go to bed, show up tomorrow and shoot a bunch of other scenes that had nothing to do with the stuff they just shot. As best as I can tell, Griffin (Coleman Francis) joins up with two drifters named Cook (Harold Saunders) and Landis (co-producer Anthony Cardoza). They need work, so they decide to get a pilot named Cherokee Jack to fly them to Cuba so they can take part in the revolution there as soldiers of fortune. From there it falls apart, I think there's something about a tungsten mine or something, I don't know, and I wonder if Francis actually knew himself.
- Griffin, Francis' character, looks like Curly from the Three Stooges, and seems to be the most miserable man alive. He has a constant scowl on his face, yells at and even strangles one of his cohorts, shoots and kills people for no good reason and seems to take pleasure in absolutely nothing. He gives the audience no reason to care for him or to feel sympathy towards him.
- Everybody in this movie acts as if they lost their best friend, and yet for some reason, the score of the film is full of light-hearted, happy songs. I'm guessing Mr. Francis just put whatever song was available to him on the movie without considering how it would fit.
- If I could sum up this movie in one scene, it's this. After the three escape a Cuban prison (which seems to be somebody's toolshed), the three find an airfield nearby. One of them is a pilot of sort, and is able to go into three planes before settling on one to fly, without detection of the armed guards. After he starts the plane, Griffin and the other guy run towards the plane, and the Cuban guards pursue them with the enthusiasm of a man forced by his wife to see Sex in the City 2. They catch up to the plane, and just as when things actually start to get exciting, the movie cuts to another scene with the plane landing in a desert somewhere, without any explanation or footage of how exactly did they escape the guards shooting at them.
- Speaking of desert, the whole movie was set there, even the scenes in "Cuba". But what's worse is all the repeated shots in the movie. In a rope climbing sequence where Coleman and the other six revolutionaries invade Cuba, they show the same guy climbing a rope twice, and when that didn't fill up enough time, they decided, what the hell, let's just show that entire rope climbing scene again. Then there's the chase scene where the action manages to take place both at day and night, at the same time. My goodness, how is that possible?
- The movie features a cameo by John Carradine, a star of many, many films. He's in the movie for about 20 seconds, but for reasons unknown, is tapped to sing the theme song to Red Zone Cuba, "Night Train to Mundo Fine." As Servo put it, "they don't call John Carradine 'the voice' for nothing."
- The movie is proceeded by a short about posture while delivering a speech. It's basically ten minutes of telling you to stand up straight during a speech, but compared to Red Zone Cuba, this short was like The Dark Knight.
Overall, this is one movie that, as Tom Servo puts it, "dares you to watch it". Even with the riffs and some rather funny host bits in between the movie scenes, this is just hard to watch. If you are interested in making movies, you should watch Red Zone Cuba so you know what not to do, and just do the opposite of every single thing in the movie. This is the worst movie of all time. People rag on Ed Wood or other directors of B-movies, but at least in their movies you can tell that they at least were trying to make something good, even if they failed horribly. In Red Zone Cuba, not only is it low-budget, but it seems as if nobody is even trying to make this good. I'll give this movie a negative 5.4 out of 10, and the episode a 1.5 out of 10, as they try hard, but damn it is a hard pill to swallow.
Well, thanks for reading, as a reward, here's a couple of videos relating to Red Zone Cuba.
- I would describe the plot, but I don't think they had a script. Instead they would film one sequence of scenes, go to bed, show up tomorrow and shoot a bunch of other scenes that had nothing to do with the stuff they just shot. As best as I can tell, Griffin (Coleman Francis) joins up with two drifters named Cook (Harold Saunders) and Landis (co-producer Anthony Cardoza). They need work, so they decide to get a pilot named Cherokee Jack to fly them to Cuba so they can take part in the revolution there as soldiers of fortune. From there it falls apart, I think there's something about a tungsten mine or something, I don't know, and I wonder if Francis actually knew himself.
- Griffin, Francis' character, looks like Curly from the Three Stooges, and seems to be the most miserable man alive. He has a constant scowl on his face, yells at and even strangles one of his cohorts, shoots and kills people for no good reason and seems to take pleasure in absolutely nothing. He gives the audience no reason to care for him or to feel sympathy towards him.
- Everybody in this movie acts as if they lost their best friend, and yet for some reason, the score of the film is full of light-hearted, happy songs. I'm guessing Mr. Francis just put whatever song was available to him on the movie without considering how it would fit.
- If I could sum up this movie in one scene, it's this. After the three escape a Cuban prison (which seems to be somebody's toolshed), the three find an airfield nearby. One of them is a pilot of sort, and is able to go into three planes before settling on one to fly, without detection of the armed guards. After he starts the plane, Griffin and the other guy run towards the plane, and the Cuban guards pursue them with the enthusiasm of a man forced by his wife to see Sex in the City 2. They catch up to the plane, and just as when things actually start to get exciting, the movie cuts to another scene with the plane landing in a desert somewhere, without any explanation or footage of how exactly did they escape the guards shooting at them.
- Speaking of desert, the whole movie was set there, even the scenes in "Cuba". But what's worse is all the repeated shots in the movie. In a rope climbing sequence where Coleman and the other six revolutionaries invade Cuba, they show the same guy climbing a rope twice, and when that didn't fill up enough time, they decided, what the hell, let's just show that entire rope climbing scene again. Then there's the chase scene where the action manages to take place both at day and night, at the same time. My goodness, how is that possible?
- The movie features a cameo by John Carradine, a star of many, many films. He's in the movie for about 20 seconds, but for reasons unknown, is tapped to sing the theme song to Red Zone Cuba, "Night Train to Mundo Fine." As Servo put it, "they don't call John Carradine 'the voice' for nothing."
- The movie is proceeded by a short about posture while delivering a speech. It's basically ten minutes of telling you to stand up straight during a speech, but compared to Red Zone Cuba, this short was like The Dark Knight.
Overall, this is one movie that, as Tom Servo puts it, "dares you to watch it". Even with the riffs and some rather funny host bits in between the movie scenes, this is just hard to watch. If you are interested in making movies, you should watch Red Zone Cuba so you know what not to do, and just do the opposite of every single thing in the movie. This is the worst movie of all time. People rag on Ed Wood or other directors of B-movies, but at least in their movies you can tell that they at least were trying to make something good, even if they failed horribly. In Red Zone Cuba, not only is it low-budget, but it seems as if nobody is even trying to make this good. I'll give this movie a negative 5.4 out of 10, and the episode a 1.5 out of 10, as they try hard, but damn it is a hard pill to swallow.
Well, thanks for reading, as a reward, here's a couple of videos relating to Red Zone Cuba.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: Time of the Apes
Time of the Apes is a movie produced in 1987 in which producer Sandy Frank compiled episodes of a short-lived Japanese television series and dubbed over everybody's voices, so what you end up with is a bunch of scenes of lines being read even while nobody is talking. It looks as if Frank and his crew did the whole re dubbing process over two hours, did no editing to make it look like people are talking, and decided, what the hell, let's put this out on VHS or whatever the heck they used back then. To make things worse, the original footage looks quite dumb, and there are a lot of things the producers do to make things worse.The whole thing results in a movie that makes no sense and a bunch of characters you root against. However, it also ends up being very, very easy to both laugh at and mock, and it makes for a very funny episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. A few notes about this crapfest:
- The lead characters are Johnny, an annoying little kid who yells everything he says and wears Daisy Dukes throughout much of the movie, Caroline, Johnny's cousin who also talks at a loud volume, and Catherine, who is the kids' friend, or aunt, or something, they don't really explain. Anyway, Catherine works at a lab that specializes in freezing people like Ted Williams. Naturally, an earthquake happens, and Catherine and the rest of the kids hide in the freezers. Remarkably, a rock hit's the freeze button and the three are cryogenically frozen. When they thaw out, they're in a world that is populated by evolved apes, which is a lot like Planet of the Apes. I'm sure that's a coincedence.
- The apes capture the three and try to kill the group, but they escape because the apes take forever to start shooting at them. They escape with the aid of a white-faced monkey named Pepe into the Green Mountain area, which is populated by a lone man named Goto who is wanted by the apes. Coincidentally, Goto and Pepe are good friends, so Pepe warns the group of the apes attack, but the group is captured. The rest of movie is really just about the humans trying to escape from the apes and go back home, with a few subplots thrown in there and only a couple of them actually going anywhere.
- The apes in this movie dress rather peculiar. A couple of them wear spurs and cowboy boots, which the movie shows generously. Then there's the commander of the apes, who has seem to pattern his wardrobe after Col. Sanders. He even has a gray beard like the Colonel. He's also seen wearing a red smoking jacket. Not to mention the powder blue 1970 Buick he rides in. Clearly, the Commander's fashion sense needs to evolve some. I mean, take a look at the Commander and his crew here (picture from mrsatanism.com):
- To make this movie seem more ridiculous, the apes' lips never move, even if they are saying something. What, they couldn't afford to make masks with moving lips at least. Not surprisingly, the apes are just humans in costumes and gorilla masks.
- Godo's main enemy is an ape named, wait for it, Gaybar. He's mad because he believes Goto killed his wife and son, but every time he has a chance to kill Goto, he waits a really long time before something eventually stops him. It gets ridiculous the fourth time Gaybar stalls in his quest for revenge.
- Because this movie is cut from a bunch of TV episodes into 97 minutes, you get a lot of stuff that makes no sense at all. For one, there's the Wild West shootout between Goto and Gaybar's apes that comes out of the blue. There's also a rebellion against the Commander that lasts about 15 seconds, and there's a subplot with a flying saucer that makes no sense at all. Oh, and apparently they cut a lot out because Catherine seemed to have a sudden change of heart about the apes, even though all we had seen up until that point is the apes trying to kill or imprison her and her companions.
- Johnny is up there with Kenny the turtle loving kid from Gamera as a candidate for the most annoying child to ever appear in a movie. He yells out every line (a mistake by the redubbing team, no doubt, but it makes him seem really annoying), he constantly complains about being hungry, he asks inappropriate and dumb questions and observations on a regular basis (i.e. asking Goto if he lives in his house, then asking if his parents are dead). Not to mention the really short shorts and his penchant of carrying tools at convenient times in the plot (i.e. he suddenly has a screwdriver when it's time to escape from the prison).
- One of the most annoying aspects of this movie, and by golly there are many, is the tendency to show extreme close ups of the characters repeatedly at rapid intervals whenever a big event happens. Yes, we know this is important, you don't need to keep cutting rapidly to everyone's facial reactions to emphasize that. It's almost enough to give you a headache. Also, the score of this film is, um, well let's just say they made some interesting choices in that department that may not have fit the scene.
What a mess this is. I'm sure the original was at least a little better than this, even if the apes' lips never moved. What Sandy Frank and his team created here was 96 minutes of tripe so confusing that it's a wonder anybody could make sense of this thing. There's even two different endings shown, and a bunch of unanswered questions and unexplained plot points remain. Then there's the voice dubbing, which is so poorly done and for some reason had everyone scream their lines in an ultra intense level, except for Johnny, who sounded as if he was at Chuck-E-Cheese's the whole time even while in prison or being chased like apes. If Mr. Frank did this in an attempt to make a good, entertaining movie, well he failed miserably. The MST3K episode was quite good, as mocking this movie was like shooting fish in a barrel. Overall, the movie gets a 0.9 out of 10, and the episode gets a 6.8204 out of 10.
Well, thanks for reading. If you have an idea for a review, than either leave a comment or send me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
- The lead characters are Johnny, an annoying little kid who yells everything he says and wears Daisy Dukes throughout much of the movie, Caroline, Johnny's cousin who also talks at a loud volume, and Catherine, who is the kids' friend, or aunt, or something, they don't really explain. Anyway, Catherine works at a lab that specializes in freezing people like Ted Williams. Naturally, an earthquake happens, and Catherine and the rest of the kids hide in the freezers. Remarkably, a rock hit's the freeze button and the three are cryogenically frozen. When they thaw out, they're in a world that is populated by evolved apes, which is a lot like Planet of the Apes. I'm sure that's a coincedence.
- The apes capture the three and try to kill the group, but they escape because the apes take forever to start shooting at them. They escape with the aid of a white-faced monkey named Pepe into the Green Mountain area, which is populated by a lone man named Goto who is wanted by the apes. Coincidentally, Goto and Pepe are good friends, so Pepe warns the group of the apes attack, but the group is captured. The rest of movie is really just about the humans trying to escape from the apes and go back home, with a few subplots thrown in there and only a couple of them actually going anywhere.
- The apes in this movie dress rather peculiar. A couple of them wear spurs and cowboy boots, which the movie shows generously. Then there's the commander of the apes, who has seem to pattern his wardrobe after Col. Sanders. He even has a gray beard like the Colonel. He's also seen wearing a red smoking jacket. Not to mention the powder blue 1970 Buick he rides in. Clearly, the Commander's fashion sense needs to evolve some. I mean, take a look at the Commander and his crew here (picture from mrsatanism.com):
- To make this movie seem more ridiculous, the apes' lips never move, even if they are saying something. What, they couldn't afford to make masks with moving lips at least. Not surprisingly, the apes are just humans in costumes and gorilla masks.
- Godo's main enemy is an ape named, wait for it, Gaybar. He's mad because he believes Goto killed his wife and son, but every time he has a chance to kill Goto, he waits a really long time before something eventually stops him. It gets ridiculous the fourth time Gaybar stalls in his quest for revenge.
- Because this movie is cut from a bunch of TV episodes into 97 minutes, you get a lot of stuff that makes no sense at all. For one, there's the Wild West shootout between Goto and Gaybar's apes that comes out of the blue. There's also a rebellion against the Commander that lasts about 15 seconds, and there's a subplot with a flying saucer that makes no sense at all. Oh, and apparently they cut a lot out because Catherine seemed to have a sudden change of heart about the apes, even though all we had seen up until that point is the apes trying to kill or imprison her and her companions.
- Johnny is up there with Kenny the turtle loving kid from Gamera as a candidate for the most annoying child to ever appear in a movie. He yells out every line (a mistake by the redubbing team, no doubt, but it makes him seem really annoying), he constantly complains about being hungry, he asks inappropriate and dumb questions and observations on a regular basis (i.e. asking Goto if he lives in his house, then asking if his parents are dead). Not to mention the really short shorts and his penchant of carrying tools at convenient times in the plot (i.e. he suddenly has a screwdriver when it's time to escape from the prison).
- One of the most annoying aspects of this movie, and by golly there are many, is the tendency to show extreme close ups of the characters repeatedly at rapid intervals whenever a big event happens. Yes, we know this is important, you don't need to keep cutting rapidly to everyone's facial reactions to emphasize that. It's almost enough to give you a headache. Also, the score of this film is, um, well let's just say they made some interesting choices in that department that may not have fit the scene.
What a mess this is. I'm sure the original was at least a little better than this, even if the apes' lips never moved. What Sandy Frank and his team created here was 96 minutes of tripe so confusing that it's a wonder anybody could make sense of this thing. There's even two different endings shown, and a bunch of unanswered questions and unexplained plot points remain. Then there's the voice dubbing, which is so poorly done and for some reason had everyone scream their lines in an ultra intense level, except for Johnny, who sounded as if he was at Chuck-E-Cheese's the whole time even while in prison or being chased like apes. If Mr. Frank did this in an attempt to make a good, entertaining movie, well he failed miserably. The MST3K episode was quite good, as mocking this movie was like shooting fish in a barrel. Overall, the movie gets a 0.9 out of 10, and the episode gets a 6.8204 out of 10.
Well, thanks for reading. If you have an idea for a review, than either leave a comment or send me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Canon Movie Review: Super Mario Bros.
So I got off early from work tonight. Instead of watching some TV or reading a book or playing a video game, I decided that the best way to spend some of my newly found free time was to watch one of the first, if not the first, movies based off of a video game. In this case, the movie was the 1993 Film Super Mario Bros. The movie stars Bob Hoskins as Mario and John Leguizamo as Luigi. Why the producers of this movie decided to cast an Englishman and a Columbian/Puerto Rican as two Italian brothers is a mystery, but what are you going to do? The plot has the two brothers meeting Daisy (Samantha Mathis), a college student or something who is leading a archeological dig after a meteor which supposedly destroyed the dinosaurs is discovered. However, the Dinosaurs weren't destroyed, instead they were somehow banished to a parallel world and also evolved into humans. I'm going to just leave that whole quagmire alone for now. Anyway, Daisy actually is from the dinosaur world, and was put on our earth just before hatching by her mother with a piece of the meteorite that sent the dinosaurs packing. That piece, if in the right hands, will merge the two worlds together, which is exactly what King Koopa (Dennis Hopper) wants in order to rule both worlds. Oh and King Koopa became King after turning Daisy's father into a giant pile of fungus. Got it? I didn't think so. Well, here's a few notes about this film anyway.
- One thing that this movie did well was the graphics and effects, as well as making creatures like the little raptor Yoshi and the Goombas (who, in this movie, are about eight feet tall with shrunken heads, not even close to how they are in the video game) look. It doesn't look cheesy or anything like that. Say what you want about this movie (and I will), but the special effects, graphics, and makeup departments really did quite well.
- Dennis Hopper plays King Koopa in the movie, and he possesses a rather interesting hairstyle to say the least. I can't really describe it accurately, so I'll show you a picture instead. As for his performance, well, I'd say that he mailed it in, but that would be too kind. (image from smbhq.com)
- Whenever you play a Mario Brothers game, the setting is usually a bright, sunny setting, unless you are inside a castle or something. In this movie, everything is so dark, and it always seems to be night time. Also, unlike the game, the two brothers find themselves in some sort of underground metropolis, with people everywhere. There's even a disco that's crowded to the gills. I must have never gotten to that level in the Super Mario Bros. games.
- It was rather interesting to see what they did with some of the characters. For example, Toad is a mushroom in the games, but in the movie he's a man on the street singing protest songs against King Koopa. He eventually gets "de-evolved" into another Goomba, except for some reason he's given a harmonica. Toad was played by Mojo Nixon, a psychobilly singer who has performed such songs as "Destroy All Lawyers", "Burn Down the Malls", and "Elvis is Everywhere".
- By far the most annoying characters in this movie were Iggy and Spike Koopa, King Koopa's cousins and henchman who spend most of the movie bumbling around. Played respectively by Fisher Stevens (who once dated Michelle Pfeiffer) and Richard Edson (the original drummer for Sonic Youth), these two numbskulls supposedly become smarter due to Koopa's evolution machine, but yet they still act like buffoons, bicker like five year olds and generally suck up to every person they come across, even Mario and Luigi, the same men they were assigned to capture. I guess they were supposed to be funny, but they did nothing but grate on my every last nerve for me.
- This movie was apparently a mess behind the scenes. There were four directors (including the future director of Firestorm), and the plot was rewritten so many times that the actors mainly came to ignore the rewrites. Bob Hoskins, who played Mario, said that this movie was the worst thing he has ever done as an actor, and both Leguizamo and Hopper expressed similar feelings about the movie as well. It also doesn't help that the movie cost 42 million dollars to make and only brought back 21 million in box office revenue.
Overall, this isn't the worst movie of all time, but it was a disappointing flick on a lot of fronts. The directors (all four of them) couldn't make up their minds about whether to make this a film directed towards kids or adults, or whether to make this movie match up to the video game or make a whole new story which just happens to be based off of the Mario Bros. The result is a giant mess of a movie that makes little sense, with flat characters and a storyline that is confusing at best. There are some people out there that will defend this movie, saying stuff like "you should turn your brain off and just enjoy the movie, it's fun" Well, fun movies don't have to be stupid and jumbled, and many of them aren't. Bottom line, you'll get a heck of a lot more enjoyment just playing one of the many Mario Bros. video games than spending two hours trying to make heads or tails out of this movie. I'll give it a 2.99 out of 10, as I didn't completely hate it, but there aren't many redeemable factors of this movie either.
Thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for future posts, than either leave a comment or send me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com. Or if you have anything to say about this post, feel free to express those thoughts as well. I'll leave you with the trailer for this movie, but even the trailer makes no sense, so be prepared.
- One thing that this movie did well was the graphics and effects, as well as making creatures like the little raptor Yoshi and the Goombas (who, in this movie, are about eight feet tall with shrunken heads, not even close to how they are in the video game) look. It doesn't look cheesy or anything like that. Say what you want about this movie (and I will), but the special effects, graphics, and makeup departments really did quite well.
- Dennis Hopper plays King Koopa in the movie, and he possesses a rather interesting hairstyle to say the least. I can't really describe it accurately, so I'll show you a picture instead. As for his performance, well, I'd say that he mailed it in, but that would be too kind. (image from smbhq.com)
- Whenever you play a Mario Brothers game, the setting is usually a bright, sunny setting, unless you are inside a castle or something. In this movie, everything is so dark, and it always seems to be night time. Also, unlike the game, the two brothers find themselves in some sort of underground metropolis, with people everywhere. There's even a disco that's crowded to the gills. I must have never gotten to that level in the Super Mario Bros. games.
- It was rather interesting to see what they did with some of the characters. For example, Toad is a mushroom in the games, but in the movie he's a man on the street singing protest songs against King Koopa. He eventually gets "de-evolved" into another Goomba, except for some reason he's given a harmonica. Toad was played by Mojo Nixon, a psychobilly singer who has performed such songs as "Destroy All Lawyers", "Burn Down the Malls", and "Elvis is Everywhere".
- By far the most annoying characters in this movie were Iggy and Spike Koopa, King Koopa's cousins and henchman who spend most of the movie bumbling around. Played respectively by Fisher Stevens (who once dated Michelle Pfeiffer) and Richard Edson (the original drummer for Sonic Youth), these two numbskulls supposedly become smarter due to Koopa's evolution machine, but yet they still act like buffoons, bicker like five year olds and generally suck up to every person they come across, even Mario and Luigi, the same men they were assigned to capture. I guess they were supposed to be funny, but they did nothing but grate on my every last nerve for me.
- This movie was apparently a mess behind the scenes. There were four directors (including the future director of Firestorm), and the plot was rewritten so many times that the actors mainly came to ignore the rewrites. Bob Hoskins, who played Mario, said that this movie was the worst thing he has ever done as an actor, and both Leguizamo and Hopper expressed similar feelings about the movie as well. It also doesn't help that the movie cost 42 million dollars to make and only brought back 21 million in box office revenue.
Overall, this isn't the worst movie of all time, but it was a disappointing flick on a lot of fronts. The directors (all four of them) couldn't make up their minds about whether to make this a film directed towards kids or adults, or whether to make this movie match up to the video game or make a whole new story which just happens to be based off of the Mario Bros. The result is a giant mess of a movie that makes little sense, with flat characters and a storyline that is confusing at best. There are some people out there that will defend this movie, saying stuff like "you should turn your brain off and just enjoy the movie, it's fun" Well, fun movies don't have to be stupid and jumbled, and many of them aren't. Bottom line, you'll get a heck of a lot more enjoyment just playing one of the many Mario Bros. video games than spending two hours trying to make heads or tails out of this movie. I'll give it a 2.99 out of 10, as I didn't completely hate it, but there aren't many redeemable factors of this movie either.
Thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for future posts, than either leave a comment or send me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com. Or if you have anything to say about this post, feel free to express those thoughts as well. I'll leave you with the trailer for this movie, but even the trailer makes no sense, so be prepared.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: Werewolf
Today was a strange day, which somewhat explains why I'm posting at 4:00 in the morning. It's also fitting that today was a strange day, because Werewolf is a strange movie. Quite frankly, Werewolf was 31 flavors of awful, featuring a plot that made little sense, a director with no clue, and actors as wooden as Hacksaw Jim Duggan's 2 x 4. All of this does make this movie very easy to mock, and the gang at Mystery Science Theater sure did a thorough job of mocking this schlock. Now, a few notes from the movie, Werewolf:
- This movie was made in 1996, making this the most recent film ever spoofed on MST3K. If you saw this film, you would think it was made in 1976, not '96.
- The director of this movie is a man by the name of Tony Zarindast. He directs with the touch of a man that has no idea what he is doing, as there are a lot of poor shots in this film. In one scene, the camera pans over a mural in a bar for what seems like a minute, for no good reason at all. Another shot is a still shot of a building, for 25 seconds. The building ended up being the setting for two minor scenes in the film, so why Mr. Zarindast spent so much time fixated on it is a mystery. Whoever mixed the sound in this movie did a poor job, as there are many parts where you can't hear the actors' lines over the music and there were a couple of times where all you could hear was mumbling, during what were supposed to be big scenes. Also, the score of this movie is just awful.
- The biggest star in the movie, if you can call him that, is Joe Estavez, better known as Martin Sheen's brother. He plays one of the archeologists. He's in the movie for about 5 minutes, shoots a werewolf, and is never heard from again.
- The movie has an interesting beginning, as three archeologists are digging, their boss Yuri comes over and yells at them to work harder. They don't really listen, but find something in the dirt. Yuri comes over, somebody trips over the thing, and all of a sudden a fight breaks out, as Yuri kicks everybody's ass. I don't know why everybody started fighting, but it did turn out to be one of the few decent scenes in the movie, so there's that.
- Yuri's the main villian in this movie, a power hungry archeologist who will stop at nothing to become famous for his work. He also has about eight different hair styles throughout the movie, changing color and form throughout the movie, which seems to take place in the timespan of four days. Every scene Yuri is in, his hair changes, and nobody knows why.
- Yuri's not the only problem, as the lead character is a writer named Paul, who the MST3K crew referred to as a "Rent-a-Center" Andy Garcia. That would be fine, except Paul shows no real emotion in the film unless he transforms into a werewolf. Paul became a werewolf after Yuri hit him with the skull of an ancient werewolf, because, as everyone knows, if someone hits you with the skull of an animal, you will become that animal when the moon is full.
- The worst actor in the movie is a woman by the name of Adrianna Miles, who plays an archeological assistant named Natalie. I am 600% sure that she slept with someone to get in this movie, because she has all of the acting talent of a can of beets. She can't pronounce werewolf correctly, which is a minor problem in a movie about werewolves. She also has a heavy European accent that goes in an out throughout the film, and usually reacts to events with a dumb look on her face and one word answers. The girl acts as if she "hardly knows what a hat is", yet she's supposed to be this super smart archeologist who's also a kick-ass pool player. The only thing I can complement her on is her big pair of, well, you know.
- For some reason, there's a character named Sam the Keeper, who watches over the house Paul rented. What he's a keeper of, I have no clue, but he carries a shotgun, has a Santa Claus beard, and acts as if he's been huffing paint for 10 years straight. In the movie, we find out that Sam just found out that Dracula's a f*g**t, and that we don't have to believe him but "that's the facts". How Sam came across this information is never mentioned, and is probably best left ignored. Naturally, when confronted by the werewolf, Sam is without his gun, and instead of calling the cops, he decides to pray for the police to show up. While I'm not questioning his religious beliefs, I do wonder why he didn't use the phone there.
- It's hard to pick a worst scene in this movie, but two of them really stand out. The first one is where Paul the werewolf is chasing after one young woman, and for some reason we hear three different women screaming. The second one takes place after Yuri injects a 60 year old security guard with werewolf blood for some reason. The guard transforms into a werewolf while driving. He seems to be driving ok, even though he passed the same gas station three times, when all of a sudden he randomly hits barrels of oil in a shot which was clearly out of sequence with the rest of the film, killing him instantly. While that's bad, it's still not worse than having three women screaming for one.
In conclusion, this movie is so bad that's its good. From the wooden acting to the poor directing to the bizarre soundtrack, this movie is just awful, but at least it's funny, if by accident. The MST3K crew come up with a lot of quality lines, which wasn't too hard for a movie that offered so much material. As a movie, I'd give it a one out of 10, but as an MST3K episode, I'll give it a 7.64 out of 10, as chances are that you will laugh a lot during this episode. Well, thanks for reading, and feel free to let me know of any ideas for future posts here at The Canon Review. Hopefully, you find this review absolutely fasicnating, like Natalie did.
- This movie was made in 1996, making this the most recent film ever spoofed on MST3K. If you saw this film, you would think it was made in 1976, not '96.
- The director of this movie is a man by the name of Tony Zarindast. He directs with the touch of a man that has no idea what he is doing, as there are a lot of poor shots in this film. In one scene, the camera pans over a mural in a bar for what seems like a minute, for no good reason at all. Another shot is a still shot of a building, for 25 seconds. The building ended up being the setting for two minor scenes in the film, so why Mr. Zarindast spent so much time fixated on it is a mystery. Whoever mixed the sound in this movie did a poor job, as there are many parts where you can't hear the actors' lines over the music and there were a couple of times where all you could hear was mumbling, during what were supposed to be big scenes. Also, the score of this movie is just awful.
- The biggest star in the movie, if you can call him that, is Joe Estavez, better known as Martin Sheen's brother. He plays one of the archeologists. He's in the movie for about 5 minutes, shoots a werewolf, and is never heard from again.
- The movie has an interesting beginning, as three archeologists are digging, their boss Yuri comes over and yells at them to work harder. They don't really listen, but find something in the dirt. Yuri comes over, somebody trips over the thing, and all of a sudden a fight breaks out, as Yuri kicks everybody's ass. I don't know why everybody started fighting, but it did turn out to be one of the few decent scenes in the movie, so there's that.
- Yuri's the main villian in this movie, a power hungry archeologist who will stop at nothing to become famous for his work. He also has about eight different hair styles throughout the movie, changing color and form throughout the movie, which seems to take place in the timespan of four days. Every scene Yuri is in, his hair changes, and nobody knows why.
- Yuri's not the only problem, as the lead character is a writer named Paul, who the MST3K crew referred to as a "Rent-a-Center" Andy Garcia. That would be fine, except Paul shows no real emotion in the film unless he transforms into a werewolf. Paul became a werewolf after Yuri hit him with the skull of an ancient werewolf, because, as everyone knows, if someone hits you with the skull of an animal, you will become that animal when the moon is full.
- The worst actor in the movie is a woman by the name of Adrianna Miles, who plays an archeological assistant named Natalie. I am 600% sure that she slept with someone to get in this movie, because she has all of the acting talent of a can of beets. She can't pronounce werewolf correctly, which is a minor problem in a movie about werewolves. She also has a heavy European accent that goes in an out throughout the film, and usually reacts to events with a dumb look on her face and one word answers. The girl acts as if she "hardly knows what a hat is", yet she's supposed to be this super smart archeologist who's also a kick-ass pool player. The only thing I can complement her on is her big pair of, well, you know.
- For some reason, there's a character named Sam the Keeper, who watches over the house Paul rented. What he's a keeper of, I have no clue, but he carries a shotgun, has a Santa Claus beard, and acts as if he's been huffing paint for 10 years straight. In the movie, we find out that Sam just found out that Dracula's a f*g**t, and that we don't have to believe him but "that's the facts". How Sam came across this information is never mentioned, and is probably best left ignored. Naturally, when confronted by the werewolf, Sam is without his gun, and instead of calling the cops, he decides to pray for the police to show up. While I'm not questioning his religious beliefs, I do wonder why he didn't use the phone there.
- It's hard to pick a worst scene in this movie, but two of them really stand out. The first one is where Paul the werewolf is chasing after one young woman, and for some reason we hear three different women screaming. The second one takes place after Yuri injects a 60 year old security guard with werewolf blood for some reason. The guard transforms into a werewolf while driving. He seems to be driving ok, even though he passed the same gas station three times, when all of a sudden he randomly hits barrels of oil in a shot which was clearly out of sequence with the rest of the film, killing him instantly. While that's bad, it's still not worse than having three women screaming for one.
In conclusion, this movie is so bad that's its good. From the wooden acting to the poor directing to the bizarre soundtrack, this movie is just awful, but at least it's funny, if by accident. The MST3K crew come up with a lot of quality lines, which wasn't too hard for a movie that offered so much material. As a movie, I'd give it a one out of 10, but as an MST3K episode, I'll give it a 7.64 out of 10, as chances are that you will laugh a lot during this episode. Well, thanks for reading, and feel free to let me know of any ideas for future posts here at The Canon Review. Hopefully, you find this review absolutely fasicnating, like Natalie did.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Canon MST3K Review: Gamera
What can one really say about Gamera? The end. Just joking, there is something one can say about Gamera, it's a poorly dubbed Japenese flick made in 1965, but looks as if it was made in 1935. Somebody dubbed i English dialogue, and they didn't even bother matching the words spoken to the lips of the person supposedly saying them. Anyway, Gamera is about a giant turtle named, oddly enough, Gamera. He's almost like Godzilla, only he has a turtle shell and can go into his shell and fly off to wherever he pleases. He also can inhale fire, and feeds off of heat, fire, and electricity, but he doesn't like the cold. Gamera must have been frozen like Ted Williams, because he was first discovered (in the movie, that is) in an Eskimo village in the arctic region. It was only when a rogue plane carrying nuclear weapons was shot down over the exact spot Gamera was resting that he emerged. Yeah, I don't know either. A few thoughts about this movie:
- This version had a few scenes cut into the original movie featuring American actors. They must have spent a grand total of 45 dollars on these actors, because they are terrible. There's one soldier who has one line in the movie, and he just butchers it. Worst of all, they left it in as is. Another scene featured a drunk Japanese man who had the worst read line in the script. It was dubbed in, and the guy paused after every word in this line "that I heard them talk about so much lately." It's much worse seeing it on video, trust me.
- So Gamera is an evil turtle hell-bent on destruction. However, because he sees a kid playing with a turtle, he ends up saying that kid's life. At first, I was relieved, even though he was kind of annoying and obsessed with turtles, but whatever. But by the end of the film I wish Gamera had choke slammed that kid to his death, because he is one of the most annoying movie characters I have ever seen. He becomes a crusader for Gamera, and ignores the fact that Gamera is a destructive force whose only interest is to cause as much destruction as possible. The worst part of Kenny's crusade is when he finds three stones to "build a house for Gamera". How we will build a house for an 6 story tall turtle with three stones goes unaswered, but it doesn't matter, because his cousin, seeing how stupid this all is, takes the stones and throws them in the river. Well, our boy Kenny throws a hissy fit, saying that there were no other stones like that and pouting like a 3 year-old not allowed to watch TV. Sure, his cousin threw the rocks in the river, but here's the thing, YOU CAN FIND ROCKS ANYWHERE, SO INSTEAD OF CRYING GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND COLLECT MORE STONES FOR YOUR IMPOSSIBLE PROJECT, OR BETTER YET GO PLAY IN ONCOMING TRAFFIC. Sorry about that, but that kid drove me batty.
- Kenny ends up running away, and finds Gamera. So, while the workers of a coal plant are sending an empty train to distract Gamera, Kenny decides to meet up with his old buddy by climbing on the train. Unfortunately, a man sees him and saves him from his certain death. Kenny has the nerve to tell off the guy, saying he loves Gamera and that they shouldn't harm a bump on his giant ass shell, which the plant workers rightfully ridicule.
- The movie also features a team of scientist, one of which resembles a Japanese Col. Sanders. These guys aren't that smart, because it takes them 30 minutes in the film after seeing their fire attack fail to come up with the idea that maybe freezing Gamera will work. They drop a freeze bomb or something, but Gamera apparently can also withstand sub zero temperatures to fly off into outer space in his shell. Well, that sucks.
- Finally, after Gamera destroys Tokyo, the scientists unleash something called plan Z. At first, it involved lighting fire or something so Gamera can drown in a tidal wave, but since he's an excellent swimmer for a monster, I don't see how that would work. They then draw him inland, where plan Z can take place. What happens is astonishing, as they trap him in a pod, and all of a sudden a rocket is launched with Gamera inside. The rocket is supposedly headed to Mars, but since there were like 10 sequels, I guess Gamera found his way out. Plan Z came about due to a relationship between Japan, the U.S. and the Soviet Union, this being during the Cold War, I highly doubt the Americans and Soviets would enter into a partnership to build a rocket to Mars, but I digress.
This is not one of the stronger MST3K episodes, as the movie is not one of those "so bad it's good" movies, it's just dreary and boring. However, the crew did get a few good lines in it, and this is one of the few shows featuring a robot singing a love song to a turtle. I'll give it a 6.42950 out of 10, as it wasn't one of their strongest episodes, but still rather entertaining. Thanks for reading, and if you have any future ideas for posts so I don't have to watch annoying kids obseesed with a giant turlte, than send them over either by leaving a comment or by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com. Tommorrow, I play Back to the Future and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures for the NES, so look out for that, but until then, enjoy the touching love song Tibby, Oh Tibby.
- This version had a few scenes cut into the original movie featuring American actors. They must have spent a grand total of 45 dollars on these actors, because they are terrible. There's one soldier who has one line in the movie, and he just butchers it. Worst of all, they left it in as is. Another scene featured a drunk Japanese man who had the worst read line in the script. It was dubbed in, and the guy paused after every word in this line "that I heard them talk about so much lately." It's much worse seeing it on video, trust me.
- So Gamera is an evil turtle hell-bent on destruction. However, because he sees a kid playing with a turtle, he ends up saying that kid's life. At first, I was relieved, even though he was kind of annoying and obsessed with turtles, but whatever. But by the end of the film I wish Gamera had choke slammed that kid to his death, because he is one of the most annoying movie characters I have ever seen. He becomes a crusader for Gamera, and ignores the fact that Gamera is a destructive force whose only interest is to cause as much destruction as possible. The worst part of Kenny's crusade is when he finds three stones to "build a house for Gamera". How we will build a house for an 6 story tall turtle with three stones goes unaswered, but it doesn't matter, because his cousin, seeing how stupid this all is, takes the stones and throws them in the river. Well, our boy Kenny throws a hissy fit, saying that there were no other stones like that and pouting like a 3 year-old not allowed to watch TV. Sure, his cousin threw the rocks in the river, but here's the thing, YOU CAN FIND ROCKS ANYWHERE, SO INSTEAD OF CRYING GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND COLLECT MORE STONES FOR YOUR IMPOSSIBLE PROJECT, OR BETTER YET GO PLAY IN ONCOMING TRAFFIC. Sorry about that, but that kid drove me batty.
- Kenny ends up running away, and finds Gamera. So, while the workers of a coal plant are sending an empty train to distract Gamera, Kenny decides to meet up with his old buddy by climbing on the train. Unfortunately, a man sees him and saves him from his certain death. Kenny has the nerve to tell off the guy, saying he loves Gamera and that they shouldn't harm a bump on his giant ass shell, which the plant workers rightfully ridicule.
- The movie also features a team of scientist, one of which resembles a Japanese Col. Sanders. These guys aren't that smart, because it takes them 30 minutes in the film after seeing their fire attack fail to come up with the idea that maybe freezing Gamera will work. They drop a freeze bomb or something, but Gamera apparently can also withstand sub zero temperatures to fly off into outer space in his shell. Well, that sucks.
- Finally, after Gamera destroys Tokyo, the scientists unleash something called plan Z. At first, it involved lighting fire or something so Gamera can drown in a tidal wave, but since he's an excellent swimmer for a monster, I don't see how that would work. They then draw him inland, where plan Z can take place. What happens is astonishing, as they trap him in a pod, and all of a sudden a rocket is launched with Gamera inside. The rocket is supposedly headed to Mars, but since there were like 10 sequels, I guess Gamera found his way out. Plan Z came about due to a relationship between Japan, the U.S. and the Soviet Union, this being during the Cold War, I highly doubt the Americans and Soviets would enter into a partnership to build a rocket to Mars, but I digress.
This is not one of the stronger MST3K episodes, as the movie is not one of those "so bad it's good" movies, it's just dreary and boring. However, the crew did get a few good lines in it, and this is one of the few shows featuring a robot singing a love song to a turtle. I'll give it a 6.42950 out of 10, as it wasn't one of their strongest episodes, but still rather entertaining. Thanks for reading, and if you have any future ideas for posts so I don't have to watch annoying kids obseesed with a giant turlte, than send them over either by leaving a comment or by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com. Tommorrow, I play Back to the Future and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures for the NES, so look out for that, but until then, enjoy the touching love song Tibby, Oh Tibby.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Canon Movie Review: Mitchell (MST3K Version)
As I mentioned earlier, Merlin Olsen, a legendary football player and an actor who starred in the TV Show Father Murphy, died today. Olsen was also in a little movie called Mitchell, playing a butler/bodyguard named Benton. In tribute to Mr. Olsen, I decided to watch and review the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode of Mitchell. For those that don't know, Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a show that featured a guy and two robots making wisecracks about bad movies. Sure, the movie is just awful, but it's a great episode, probably my favorite one. A few thoughts:
-Mitchell is played by Joe Don Baker, who starred in the original Walking Tall. I think this movie killed off what little appeal Baker may of had as a leading man. He was pretty bad in this film, as his only expression for most of the movie seemed to be one of confusion.
- Whoever thought the audience would be appealed to Mitchell was dead wrong. Sure, he's a cop that plays by his own rules, but he's also a jerk to everyone he meets, he's usually drunk or hung over, and whatever good police work he does is usually the result of dumb luck more than any particular detective skills he may possess. He also sleeps with hookers, and then arrests them for prostitution. That's kind of hypocritical, isn't it.
- The opening credits feature our man Mitchell in super-slow motion picking a rock over his head and flinging it to the ground. Why the powers that be decided to do this, I'll never know, as Mitchell has his mouth open and looks like a fool during the credits.
- The audio of this movie is quite poor, and the poor quality is compounded by the fact that Joe Don Baker mumbles his lines a lot during the movie. There were a couple of times where I couldn't understand what he was saying.
- I'm having a hard time deciding what was the best scene in this movie. I think it was when Mitchell was on stakeout and a kid skated by. The kid skated by, said something about his mother not liking Mitchell, and Mitchell responded by saying he doesn't like the kid's mother. What follows next is true comedy, as Mitchell repeats everything the kid says, except to take a small break to tell him to buzz off. This goes on for about a minute, until Mitchell finally screams "BUZZ OFF" at the kid and the kid skates away. Mitchell then rolls up his window, cursing and screaming and turning his radio on really loud for some reason. Who wouldn't want to root for a cop that screams at children?
- The opening of the movie features a burglar breaking into somebody's house. Unfortunately, the homeowner Walter Deaney (played by John Saxon) comes home (with two loose women, I might add) and hears the commotion. He gets a gun out from the wall or something and shoots the burglar in cold blood. Deaney then plants a gun on him. Of course, Mitchell comes in, looking like he's had about 8 tall boys, and doesn't by Deaney's story. So, Mitchell comes up with a master plan. He breaks into Deaney's house, unarmed, so Deaney can shoot him or something. I'm pretty sure that's illegal, or at the very least entrapment. Anyway, Mitchell gets shot at, but to the audience's horror, does not get hit by any bullets.
- Mitchell is such an alcoholic that during sex, he must have a six pack by his bed at all times. In a move befitting of his talents, Mitchell uses his toes to grab the six-pack by the plastic rings, gets a beer, and than puts the rest of it back on the night stand, and yes, there was a sex scene with Joe Don Baker in this movie. Luckily most of it was concealed under the sheets, but what I saw was disturbing enough.
- The hosts of this show really rip into this movie, particularly the lead character (and why not, he's such an easy target). Allegedly, Joe Don Baker heard about their actions, and is reportedly very upset with the crew at MST3K. Personally, I felt their words were quite appropriate, as this movie sucked on ice and Joe Don wasn't exactly Laurence Olivier in this flick.
- I've seen this movie three times (or rather, this episode), and I still have no idea what's happening or who's ripping off who. There was supposed to be a heroin deal, the main villian, Cummings (played by Martin Balsam) sends Mitchell to pick it up. Why Mitchell agrees to it, I'll never know. Cummings and Benton (Merlin Olsen) then take off on a boat. Mitchell picks up the heroin, which is an unsuspecting old lady's luggage. Mitchell drives off a few feet, stops the car, busts the trunk open and digs through the old lady's luggage. He finds the heroin in a secret compartment, takes about 2 kilos in his fingers and licks it. He discovers it's chalk. Mitchell, ever the humanitarian, then tells the old lady to walk away, leaving her without her luggage at the docks. The dealers are told to kill Mitchell, then put him on Cummings boat, only Cummings has taken off for Mexico, making the second part of the task just a smidge more difficult. Anyway Mitchell, after putting a handkerchief in the gas tank, arrives at the meet. The dealers find out it's fake and blames Mitchell, so naturally he blows up the car. This is just one of the confusing plot lines found in this movie, and it only got worse from there.
- During the filming of this movie, Merlin Olsen was still an active player. In fact, in 1974 he won the Bert Bell NFL Player of the Year Award. To follow up on this success, Olsen decides to act in Mitchell. I'd say that's a dramatic step down, but to each their own.
- Interesting note about this episode, as this was Joel Hodgson's last episode. Hosgson, one of the original creators of Mystery Science Theater 3000, had decided he wanted to try other things. So off he went, to be replaced by Mike Nelson. To some, this meant a drastic drop of quality in MST3K, but personally, I think the Nelson episodes were just as good as the Hodgson episodes.
- At many points during the movie, the cast kept yelling Mitchell! when our hero waddled onto the screen. The reason I mention this is because this became a bit of an inside joke amongst my friends and I. In fact, during my college graduation, while I was walking to get my diploma, my brother Ben decided to yell, Mitchell! once my name was called. I actually couldn't make out what he said (incidentally, much like viewers sometimes can't understand what Joe Don Baker is saying at various times during Mitchell) but it did get a laugh out of a couple of people, while everyone else around him wondered what the heck he said and why. If only I had that on tape.
In conclusion, this movie is 31 flavors of suck. However, as an episode as Mystery Science Theater 3000, it is very very funny. This movie is rather easy to mock, and boy do they ever mock this one. So overall, I give it a 9.3204404 out of 10. Thanks for reading. If you have ideas for future posts, or want to submit a review of your to The Canon Review, than e-mail those ideas to me at KtheC2001@gmail.com. I leave you with one of the least exciting car chases in cinema history, from where else, Mitchell.
-Mitchell is played by Joe Don Baker, who starred in the original Walking Tall. I think this movie killed off what little appeal Baker may of had as a leading man. He was pretty bad in this film, as his only expression for most of the movie seemed to be one of confusion.
- Whoever thought the audience would be appealed to Mitchell was dead wrong. Sure, he's a cop that plays by his own rules, but he's also a jerk to everyone he meets, he's usually drunk or hung over, and whatever good police work he does is usually the result of dumb luck more than any particular detective skills he may possess. He also sleeps with hookers, and then arrests them for prostitution. That's kind of hypocritical, isn't it.
- The opening credits feature our man Mitchell in super-slow motion picking a rock over his head and flinging it to the ground. Why the powers that be decided to do this, I'll never know, as Mitchell has his mouth open and looks like a fool during the credits.
- The audio of this movie is quite poor, and the poor quality is compounded by the fact that Joe Don Baker mumbles his lines a lot during the movie. There were a couple of times where I couldn't understand what he was saying.
- I'm having a hard time deciding what was the best scene in this movie. I think it was when Mitchell was on stakeout and a kid skated by. The kid skated by, said something about his mother not liking Mitchell, and Mitchell responded by saying he doesn't like the kid's mother. What follows next is true comedy, as Mitchell repeats everything the kid says, except to take a small break to tell him to buzz off. This goes on for about a minute, until Mitchell finally screams "BUZZ OFF" at the kid and the kid skates away. Mitchell then rolls up his window, cursing and screaming and turning his radio on really loud for some reason. Who wouldn't want to root for a cop that screams at children?
- The opening of the movie features a burglar breaking into somebody's house. Unfortunately, the homeowner Walter Deaney (played by John Saxon) comes home (with two loose women, I might add) and hears the commotion. He gets a gun out from the wall or something and shoots the burglar in cold blood. Deaney then plants a gun on him. Of course, Mitchell comes in, looking like he's had about 8 tall boys, and doesn't by Deaney's story. So, Mitchell comes up with a master plan. He breaks into Deaney's house, unarmed, so Deaney can shoot him or something. I'm pretty sure that's illegal, or at the very least entrapment. Anyway, Mitchell gets shot at, but to the audience's horror, does not get hit by any bullets.
- Mitchell is such an alcoholic that during sex, he must have a six pack by his bed at all times. In a move befitting of his talents, Mitchell uses his toes to grab the six-pack by the plastic rings, gets a beer, and than puts the rest of it back on the night stand, and yes, there was a sex scene with Joe Don Baker in this movie. Luckily most of it was concealed under the sheets, but what I saw was disturbing enough.
- The hosts of this show really rip into this movie, particularly the lead character (and why not, he's such an easy target). Allegedly, Joe Don Baker heard about their actions, and is reportedly very upset with the crew at MST3K. Personally, I felt their words were quite appropriate, as this movie sucked on ice and Joe Don wasn't exactly Laurence Olivier in this flick.
- I've seen this movie three times (or rather, this episode), and I still have no idea what's happening or who's ripping off who. There was supposed to be a heroin deal, the main villian, Cummings (played by Martin Balsam) sends Mitchell to pick it up. Why Mitchell agrees to it, I'll never know. Cummings and Benton (Merlin Olsen) then take off on a boat. Mitchell picks up the heroin, which is an unsuspecting old lady's luggage. Mitchell drives off a few feet, stops the car, busts the trunk open and digs through the old lady's luggage. He finds the heroin in a secret compartment, takes about 2 kilos in his fingers and licks it. He discovers it's chalk. Mitchell, ever the humanitarian, then tells the old lady to walk away, leaving her without her luggage at the docks. The dealers are told to kill Mitchell, then put him on Cummings boat, only Cummings has taken off for Mexico, making the second part of the task just a smidge more difficult. Anyway Mitchell, after putting a handkerchief in the gas tank, arrives at the meet. The dealers find out it's fake and blames Mitchell, so naturally he blows up the car. This is just one of the confusing plot lines found in this movie, and it only got worse from there.
- During the filming of this movie, Merlin Olsen was still an active player. In fact, in 1974 he won the Bert Bell NFL Player of the Year Award. To follow up on this success, Olsen decides to act in Mitchell. I'd say that's a dramatic step down, but to each their own.
- Interesting note about this episode, as this was Joel Hodgson's last episode. Hosgson, one of the original creators of Mystery Science Theater 3000, had decided he wanted to try other things. So off he went, to be replaced by Mike Nelson. To some, this meant a drastic drop of quality in MST3K, but personally, I think the Nelson episodes were just as good as the Hodgson episodes.
- At many points during the movie, the cast kept yelling Mitchell! when our hero waddled onto the screen. The reason I mention this is because this became a bit of an inside joke amongst my friends and I. In fact, during my college graduation, while I was walking to get my diploma, my brother Ben decided to yell, Mitchell! once my name was called. I actually couldn't make out what he said (incidentally, much like viewers sometimes can't understand what Joe Don Baker is saying at various times during Mitchell) but it did get a laugh out of a couple of people, while everyone else around him wondered what the heck he said and why. If only I had that on tape.
In conclusion, this movie is 31 flavors of suck. However, as an episode as Mystery Science Theater 3000, it is very very funny. This movie is rather easy to mock, and boy do they ever mock this one. So overall, I give it a 9.3204404 out of 10. Thanks for reading. If you have ideas for future posts, or want to submit a review of your to The Canon Review, than e-mail those ideas to me at KtheC2001@gmail.com. I leave you with one of the least exciting car chases in cinema history, from where else, Mitchell.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)