Thursday, March 18, 2010

Canon MST3K Review: Gamera

What can one really say about Gamera? The end. Just joking, there is something one can say about Gamera, it's a poorly dubbed Japenese flick made in 1965, but looks as if it was made in 1935. Somebody dubbed i English dialogue, and they didn't even bother matching the words spoken to the lips of the person supposedly saying them. Anyway, Gamera is about a giant turtle named, oddly enough, Gamera. He's almost like Godzilla, only he has a turtle shell and can go into his shell and fly off to wherever he pleases. He also can inhale fire, and feeds off of heat, fire, and electricity, but he doesn't like the cold. Gamera must have been frozen like Ted Williams, because he was first discovered (in the movie, that is) in an Eskimo village in the arctic region. It was only when a rogue plane carrying nuclear weapons was shot down over the exact spot Gamera was resting that he emerged. Yeah, I don't know either. A few thoughts about this movie:

- This version had a few scenes cut into the original movie featuring American actors. They must have spent a grand total of 45 dollars on these actors, because they are terrible. There's one soldier who has one line in the movie, and he just butchers it. Worst of all, they left it in as is. Another scene featured a drunk Japanese man who had the worst read line in the script. It was dubbed in, and the guy paused after every word in this line "that I heard them talk about so much lately." It's much worse seeing it on video, trust me.

- So Gamera is an evil turtle hell-bent on destruction. However, because he sees a kid playing with a turtle, he ends up saying that kid's life. At first, I was relieved, even though he was kind of annoying and obsessed with turtles, but whatever. But by the end of the film I wish Gamera had choke slammed that kid to his death, because he is one of the most annoying movie characters I have ever seen. He becomes a crusader for Gamera, and ignores the fact that Gamera is a destructive force whose only interest is to cause as much destruction as possible. The worst part of Kenny's crusade is when he finds three stones to "build a house for Gamera". How we will build a house for an 6 story tall turtle with three stones goes unaswered, but it doesn't matter, because his cousin, seeing how stupid this all is, takes the stones and throws them in the river. Well, our boy Kenny throws a hissy fit, saying that there were no other stones like that and pouting like a 3 year-old not allowed to watch TV. Sure, his cousin threw the rocks in the river, but here's the thing, YOU CAN FIND ROCKS ANYWHERE, SO INSTEAD OF CRYING GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND COLLECT MORE STONES FOR YOUR IMPOSSIBLE PROJECT, OR BETTER YET GO PLAY IN ONCOMING TRAFFIC. Sorry about that, but that kid drove me batty.

- Kenny ends up running away, and finds Gamera. So, while the workers of a coal plant are sending an empty train to distract Gamera, Kenny decides to meet up with his old buddy by climbing on the train. Unfortunately, a man sees him and saves him from his certain death. Kenny has the nerve to tell off the guy, saying he loves Gamera and that they shouldn't harm a bump on his giant ass shell, which the plant workers rightfully ridicule.

- The movie also features a team of scientist, one of which resembles a Japanese Col. Sanders. These guys aren't that smart, because it takes them 30 minutes in the film after seeing their fire attack fail to come up with the idea that maybe freezing Gamera will work. They drop a freeze bomb or something, but Gamera apparently can also withstand sub zero temperatures to fly off into outer space in his shell. Well, that sucks.

- Finally, after Gamera destroys Tokyo, the scientists unleash something called plan Z. At first, it involved lighting fire or something so Gamera can drown in a tidal wave, but since he's an excellent swimmer for a monster, I don't see how that would work. They then draw him inland, where plan Z can take place. What happens is astonishing, as they trap him in a pod, and all of a sudden a rocket is launched with Gamera inside. The rocket is supposedly headed to Mars, but since there were like 10 sequels, I guess Gamera found his way out. Plan Z came about due to a relationship between Japan, the U.S. and the Soviet Union, this being during the Cold War, I highly doubt the Americans and Soviets would enter into a partnership to build a rocket to Mars, but I digress.

This is not one of the stronger MST3K episodes, as the movie is not one of those "so bad it's good" movies, it's just dreary and boring. However, the crew did get a few good lines in it, and this is one of the few shows featuring a robot singing a love song to a turtle. I'll give it a 6.42950 out of 10, as it wasn't one of their strongest episodes, but still rather entertaining. Thanks for reading, and if you have any future ideas for posts so I don't have to watch annoying kids obseesed with a giant turlte, than send them over either by leaving a comment or by e-mail at Tommorrow, I play Back to the Future and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures for the NES, so look out for that, but until then, enjoy the touching love song Tibby, Oh Tibby.

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