Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Canon Review List-A-Mania: The Ten Worst Wrestling Themes

As you could probably tell from reading this blog, I like pro wrestling. Not as much as I used to, but I still I admit to liking it. Part of watching pro wrestling is that you get to hear a lot of mostly bad music that serve as the "themes" or introductions to the wrestlers. Oh sure, there are some good themes, like Ric Flair coming out to "Also Sprach Zachtura" (aka the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey) or Edge, who uses Alter Bridge's "Metalingus". But a lot of it you wouldn't want to be caught listening to. The worst of these themes makes you embarrassed to hear it, they're so bad. So, here are the top 10 worst themes in wrestling, and believe me I could have easily made this a top 30.

10. Cactus Jack's WCW Theme (Mr. Bang Bang)

This is from the somewhat infamous WCW Slam Jam album, which had a lot of other candidates for this list. In fact, there is another song from that CD upcoming on the list. For now, let's focus on Mr. Bang Bang. The person signing seems to marbles in his mouth, they're doing an awful rip-off of ZZ Top, and the lyrics are ridicoulous (i.e. "He's a strange as a man can be, He ain't got no family"). Also, at the end they put a bunch of random sound effects in, including a phone ringing.

9. Theme for X-Factor (performed by Uncle Kracker)

Anything that combines X-Pac and Uncle Kracker is bound to disliked by most wrestling fans, and this song does not disappoint. Unlike most wrestling themes, which are designed to grab people's attention by starting out loud, this one starts out soft. Plus, it's an Uncle Kracker song, so how good is it going to be in the first place.

8. Chyna's WWE Theme

This is particularly hard to listen to. The same lines are repeated over and over for three minutes, and the song sounds like as if it's performed by the world's worst version of Evanescence.  I've got two words to describe this song, just brutal.

7. Buff Bagwell's WCW Theme (Buff Daddy)

Yep, it's Buff Bagwell singing his own theme, while some female backup vocalists keep saying "Buff Daddy" and "Buff is the stuff" ad nauseum. It's enough to make someone cry. Also, what exactly is a "Buff Daddy" anyway?

6. "I'm an Ass Man" (Billy Gunn theme)

Billy Gunn's had some rough themes to listen to (the "Rockabilly" theme is particularly bad), but this one takes the cake due to its pure absurdity. In this song, a man proclaims his love for asses, whether looking at them, kicking them, or "sticking them". He is lover of every kind, and proclaims that "the best surprises always sneak up from behind"  With this theme, it's small wonder that Billy Gunn's main event push never took off in 1999.

5. Bastion Booger's theme

The Bastion Booger's whole gimmick was that he was a nasty fat guy, so I guess it made sense to have a theme with noises of snoring and farting and who knows what other bodily functions. They decided to set those noises to some music you might here in Silent Hill or some other suspense game or movie. It makes for a strange combination, but I wouldn't say it's good. In fact, it's almost unlistenable.

4. Rob Van Dam's TNA Theme

My goodness is this annoying. All it is is some band trying to play the worst possible metal music possible while the lead singer growls on about Rob Van Dam and his moves. This goes on for three minutes, and after about 10 seconds it becomes hard to take. To make matters worse, it gets stuck in your head after one listen, like an annoying fly that just won't go away no matter what you try to do. However, it's not the worst theme in TNA today, because that would be . . .

3. Jeff Hardy's TNA Theme

This song is called Modest, and is performed by Jeff Hardy's own band Peroxwhy?gen. With a name like that, you would expect bad music, and by golly this song does not disappoint. Jeff Hardy can do a lot of things, he can wrestle, he can build a volcano in his own backyard and he can paint his face with the best of them, but one thing Mr. Hardy can not do is sing, and this song makes that fact painfully clear.

2. Ricky Steamboat's WCW Theme (Family Man)

Ricky Steamboat is a true legend in the professional wrestling world, but WCW decided that instead of giving "The Dragon" a good or at least passable theme, they decided to give Steamboat a theme that sounds like the opening song to some cheesy 80s song. I really can't decide which part I hate the most, from the sappy lyrics to the annoying background music to the singer who tries to scream certain lyrics but it ends up sounding like a nearly incomprehensible growl. This song is 31 flavors of awful, but the next song is 63 flavors of awful, so this only finishes number two.

1. American Males Theme

This song is so bad that goes all the way around to being good, and then goes around to be bad once again. Words can not describe this song, so just listen to it and you'll know why it top (or bottoms) the list of the worst theme songs in wrestling history.

Well, thanks for reading. I'm pretty sure I didn't get all the bad themes on this list, so if your favorite (or least favorite) theme didn't make the cut, than feel free to share it. Also, if you have any ideas for future reviews, than give them to me either by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on this blog.

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