The Canon Review Presents: Christmas Commercials

Yes my friends, it is that time of year once again. Where Santa Claus becomes a bigger television presence than Jay Leno, where beer companies trot out videos of horses riding through the snow, where store after store talks about their place being the best place to go for your holiday shopping. Yes, Christmas is coming, and with that comes tons and tons of commercials proclaiming 'Happy Holidays' while trying to convince you to buy some overpriced junk in the spirit of peace and goodwill. So with that in mind, Canon Review reader Dickson S. came up with a topic to review. He describes it as follows: 

"Find and post three really terrible Christmas commercials off of youtube.com and explain why you think they just are not very good. Christmas is coming around once again and I always hate with a passion most all of the Christmas commercials. See if you can find ones from years past. I know I remember some that make me hurt already. Good luck!"

Well, all right then. Let's get this started, shall we?

Video 1: 1980's 7-Up Christmas Commercial

Like many a Christmas commercial, this one features Santa Claus and his elves and is set at the North Pole. Apparently in the 7-Up version of the North Pole, the elves look exactly like miniature replicas of Santa Claus, white beard and all. Anyway, it's a hard day's night up at the North Pole, as Santa is bushed and the elves are fatigued after making Cabbage Patch Kids or whatever. So Santa goes to the fridge, which is filled with nothing but 7-Up. He uses some sort of summoning power to grab a can and takes a sip, which inexplicably sends the elves into some sort of euphoric tizzy. The elves themselves start drinking seven up and act as if there isn't a care in the world. I guess 7-Up is much like an alcoholic beverage to the elves. To me it tastes like flat Sprite, but to each their own I suppose. I'll give it a 2 out of 5.

Video #2: Dad Got Hosed: Verizon Christmas Commercial

If there is anything I detest in this world, it is cell phone commercials. They're all stupid and either showing off a bunch of apps you don't need or full of the type of people you wouldn't associate yourself with because they're either too self involved, greedy, or both. In this wonderful commercial, a father is reviewing what he gave his kids, which are two of the hottest cell phones around at this time along with an entire network of creeps following their every move, making sure that they always have a signal. Meanwhile, the father asks his kids what he got, and after one of them weakly responds 'aftershave', dad corrects her by saying "Dad got hosed". Well, isn't that a lovely message to send during the holiday season. Yes, nobody likes getting aftershave, but thanks a lot dad, for making everybody feel awkward about enjoying their new phones. Also, I'm not exactly sure what he expected his kids to get him, and besides, isn't Christmas more about giving than receiving? Not according to the good folks at Verizon. I'm giving this crap a 0.29 out of 5.

Video #3: Funny N64 Christmas Ad - 1998 

This title is clearly a misnomer, because there's nothing funny about this ad whatsoever. In this commercial, four teenagers sing a spoof of Jingle Bells voicing their displeasure over their Christmas gifts. They continue to sing by explaining that instead of CD no one knows, they would have rather gotten games for the N64 like Turok and South Park. Well, it could be worse, they could have gotten Superman 64. I don't know how hearing a bunch of spoiled brats singing off key makes anybody want to play Nintendo 64 games, but what do I know? I'll give it a 0.50 and stop thinking about it.

Video #4: 1980's Kentucky Fried Chicken Christmas Commercial

Although the original request called for three, here's an extra bad commercial. In this commercial, an Ebernezer Scrooge character is befuddled by the high prices of Christmas shopping. Lucky for him, Kentucky Fried Chicken has a deal, selling a nine piece box for $5.59, and a 15 piece bucket for $9.29. Well, old Scrooge went a little bit overboard after hearing this news, as the end of the commercial shows Scrooge in front of a giant pile of boxes and buckets of chicken. So, either everyone he knows is going to get some second-rate fast food chicken, or Scrooge is stocking up for the apocalypse. Even so, I'd rather deal with this commercial than an ad with a bunch of spoiled teens singing poorly. I'll give it a 1.4 out of 5.

 

Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts on this or other posts, or ideas for future posts, than share them either by leaving a comment or by sending me an e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com

The Canon Review Presents: Commercials with Cartoon Characters Selling Food

Since the beginning of time, or at least the beginning of television, advertisers have used cartoon characters in commercials to shill all sorts of stuff. From credit cards to shoes to insurance to even cigarettes, cartoon characters have been called upon to advertise. One of the most common users of cartoon characters in commercials are the fast food restaurants, mainly because these places target kids with toys and all sorts of other stuff in order to get their parents to buy their food. Of course, you probably know this, as it's really just common sense. Even so, here are a few examples of famous cartoon characters selling food to consumers.

Commercial 1: Foghorn Leghorn for Kentucky Fried Chicken - Yep, this commercial features an animated chicken telling people to eat chicken. This 1988 ad features Henrey Hawk trying to capture Foghorn Leghorn because, in his own words, he's a "chicken hawk and [Foghorn] is a chicken". Well, Mr. Leghorn does not want to deal with Henrey Hawk right now, so he tells his tormentor that Kentucky Fried Chicken is the place to get what he craves because they do chicken right. Which brings up the question, how would Foghorn Leghorn know this? Unless he's actually a customer of KFC? In that case, Mr. Leghorn is a terrible individual and a traitor to his species. Or maybe he just likes the biscuits. At any rate, Foghorn Leghorn sends Henrey Hawk on his way by placing him on a frisbee and throwing him into the great unknown. Well, this commercial definitely raises more questions than it answers. At best, Foghorn Leghorn is a small man who is not above selling out his fellow chickens for consumption by humans and chicken hawks, and at worst, he's a cannibal. All I know is that it doesn't really make me want to eat chicken, so I'll give it a 1.35 out of 5.



Commercial 2:Burger King's Kids Club featuring Toy Story Toys: This 1995 commercial starts off with a boy in between two old ladies. While the two ladies are pinching the kid's cheeks, he gets zapped to Burger King via animated remote control, which we later see belongs to a typical "cool kid" from the 1990s. The kid asks if we are looking for somewhere cool to go, then suggests that Burger King is that somewhere cool to go. I highly dispute his claims, as I've been to a few that were far from 'cool'. But I digress. At the time, Burger King was doing what every other fast food chain worth their salt does, and giving away free crappy toys featuring characters from the latest movie with the purchase of a kid's meal. This time, it was Toy Story toys, and believe it or not, I still have two of those Buzz Lightyear toys that came with the kid's meal lying around in my house somewhere. After every kid in the place has a toy, the cool kid cartoon comes back in spouts off some nonsense about the Burger King Kids' Club. This was slightly annoying, so I'll give it a 1.4 out of 5.



Commercial 3: The Simpsons for Kentucky Fried Chicken - Over the years, the Simpsons have sold more crap than a manure factory, so it comes as very little surprise that Homer Simpson would be featured in a commercial based on food. Actually, he's in multiple commercials like this, but this is the first one I saw so I'll go with this one. In this ad, Homer leaves his local KFC with a bucket of chicken and a 7-Up. Homer assumes that the cashier made a mistake by not charging for his drink and walks away happy, but unbeknownst to him, the 7-Up is free, but Homer starts freaking out after spotting the police. In his panic, Homer tries to sneak out of the bathroom window but gets stuck. Luckily, his father Abe is walking by, but Abe informs Homer that the 7-Up is actually free (in Canada only, according to the ad) and to make matters worse, he jacks the chicken and the drink from Homer's fingers. Sucks to be Homer, but it also sucks for Grandpa Simpson because now he has to eat KFC. Just kidding. This wasn't too bad and got the point of the ad across in a humorous manner, so I'll give it a 3.1 out of 5.



Commercial 4: The Noid vs. Domino's Pizza Dome of Quality - In some cases, as this ad from 1987 shows, advertising companies will come up with their own animated characters to feature in commercial. In this case, the Noid was featured in Domino's commercials throughout the 80s with his sole purpose in life seemingly being ruining fresh pizzas. Done in claymation, the Noid was a rather quirky character, with a red jumpsuit and rabbit ears. The Noid seemed like an odd character to feature, but he was all over the place in the 1980s and even got his own video game for the Nintendo called Yo Noid. I'm sure it sucked, but not every advertising icon gets a video game. Anyway, in this commercial, the Noid once again tries to ruin a Domino's pizza, so he gets a baseball bat. But somehow is swing is blocked by an invisible dome of quality that shields the pizza. This raises another question, if the Noid can not penetrate the dome, than can the regular consumer do so in order to eat their pizza? The Noid once again tries to destroy the pizza by running at a high rate of speed towards it, but once again the dome blocks the Noid and he turns into a big pile of clay. I think the Noid has an unhealthy obsession with Domino's and should seek psychiatric help, but I'm only an amateur psychologist. Perhaps I'm just too tired, but I really don't get the Noid's appeal and I wonder why so many hipster doofuses call for his return. I'll give this ad a 1 out of 5.



Well, I think that's going to be all for now. If you have any thoughts about these ads or the products sold in them, then feel free to leave a comment. Also, if you have any ideas for future reviews, then let me know about them either by leaving a comment or by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com

Did Ray Lewis just destroy Saturn? and other Sports Commercials

Earlier tonight, I was watching the Vikings and Saints play in the first game of the NFL season when I saw a most peculiar commercial. In it, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis comes out of the shower covered in foam talking about how tough it is to play football and how awesome Old Spice is, while at the same time tossing a saddle onto a giant raven outside the window. Yes, you heard me, a giant Raven. He then hops out the window and jumps on the raven, which has plastic eyes, and the two fly up into space, as the raven is apparently powered by rockets. The raven then shoots a laser and blows up Saturn. I don't know if that's the worst commercial I've ever seen or the best, but it really captured my attention. I don't know what a raven ridden by Ray Lewis has to do with bodywash, but it works for me. Check it out for yourself:



With that in mind, here are some other commercials featuring sports stars.

Commercial 1: Magic Johnson for Kentucky Fried Chicken

On some basketball court, Magic Johnson has a bucket of Hot n' Spicy chicken when these two other basketball players, who look to be no older than 23, come up to Magic and want some chicken. Magic's all like, 'this chicken is too hot to handle' and to prove his point, he breathes fire like a dragon. That fire launches a basketball off the rack and off of the backboard into the net. For some reason, the ball causes an explosion when it goes into the net, and the commercial ends with Magic Johnson saying; "They don't call me Magic for nothing". Never mind Magic Johnson using a double negative there, but I don't think I would want a bucket of chicken that caused me to shoot out a long line of flames from my mouth, because who knows what something that strong will come out as on the other side. That commercial makes me want to stay away from KFC, more so than usual.



Commercial 2: Bret Hart for Pizza Pizza

This isn't the whole commercial, but it's enough to write about. Bret Hart's at a pizza place when the guy behind the counter says he'll throw in a second pizza for a toonie, which in Canada is a 2 dollar coin. Suddenly Bret yells; "yeah I WANT TO CRACK THE CARDBOARD!" Um, what the heck does that mean? Also, what does it have to do with getting a second pizza? I'm greatly confused. Anyway, the video ends with Bret telling us to "crack the cardboard" and come to Pizza Pizza, finishing with "Tell 'em the Hitman sent you". I wonder how they would react at a Pizza Pizza if I went in there and told them that the Hitman sent me. However, since the closest Pizza Pizza to me is Ontario, I doubt I'll be making it up there soon.  I guess I'll just have to crack the cardboard in spirit instead.



Commercial 3: Cecil and Prince Fielder for McDonalds

Oh how things were so much simpler back in 1992. In this ad, Cecil Fielder, then the most powerful hitter in baseball, and his son Prince, a future big-leaguer himself, are playing a backyard game of baseball, which for some reason is being announced. The announcer starts by saying, "Cecil Fielder's at the plate, he looks hungry". Well, he always looks hungry. Anyway, the ad goes on to advertise various cheeseburgers, including a triple for a $1.69. Hey, that's a good deal. Prince ends up striking his old man out, although to be fair Cecil was using what looked to be a plastic bat, and the two then go off to McDonalds, but not before Prince apologizes for striking out Cecil. This commercial is so odd today considering that Prince, now the first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers, does not eat meat anymore (even though he's still as big as he was when he ate meat, and if you've ever seen Prince you know how big he is). Also, Prince has not talked to his father in years due to a spat over money. Here's a look at the Fielders in somewhat happier times.



Commercial 4: Deion Sanders Nike Commercial

This ad is from 1996, and for some reason features Jerry Stiller dressed up as Vince Lombardi. The commercial shows highlights of Deion making playing and celebrating said plays while Stiller justifies Deion's flamboyant celebrations. At the end, Stiller does a little dance in the style of Deion. I guess at the time it seemed like a good idea. Maybe Deion needs to crack the cardboard as well, as that would be more entertaining than this was.



Well, I think I'm going to call it a day. Thanks for reading, and if you have any thoughts about this post, or ideas for future posts, than feel free to share them either by leaving a comment on the blog or by sending me an e-mail at kthec2001@gmail.com.