Let's talk about Brakus

A few months ago, before the formation of the Canon Review, I was doing a series of "video challenges", in which someone would challenge me to watch videos on a certain subject (i.e.matches of Barry Windham, 80s fast food commercials, etc.) After a while, I stopped doing them. The reason I stopped is because I was asked to watch three videos of Brakus, and well, I didn't want to do that. Well, today I make up for my previous laziness, as I finally take the challenge laid down by my friend Sonny Bone. I will watch Brakus videos. In case you don't know, Brakus was a German bodybuilder who some people, including the WWF, thought would make a great wrestler. Unfortunately Brakus, despite possessing an impressive physique, couldn't wrestle worth a crap, and couldn't speak the English language, which slightly limited his expertise on the mic. Brakus wasn't around very long, having only a few matches in the USWA and the WWF, and a guest apperarnce in ECW. There are only a few videos of Brakus wrestling on the World Wide Web, but trust me, there is more than enough. Let's begin the pain, shall we?

Brakus vs. two jobbers (USWA 1997)

The video starts with Brakus and the USWA champion Spellbinder walking towards the announce table. Spellbinder is attired in all leather and wears face paint around his eyes. He also looks as if he is familiar with "performance enhancers", so to speak. Anyway, since Brakus can't speak English well, Spellbinder does the talking with Lance Russell, the USWA announcer. Spellbinder says something about how big they are how dominant he and Brakus will be or something. Brakus takes off his vest to show off his pecs and biceps, and they show a highlight from a previous Brakus match, in which Brakus gives some guy a sidewalk slam and Spellbinder plays it up as if it's the most devastating thing he's ever seen in the ring. The two are scheduled for a tag match, but Spellbinder decides that Brakus can handle these guys himself, so he'll sit this one out. So it's Brakus against TD Steel and some other black guy. Brakus destroys the first guy with his gorilla press and awe inspiring sidewalk slam. He goes for the cover, but Brakus decides that's not enough, and he launches TD Steel into the ring. He delivers the sidewalk slam to Steel, puts him on top of the other guy, and covers the whole pile of guys for the three count. Afterwards, we are treated to more words from the Spellbinder, who insults Brian Christopher for eating at KFC and calls Brakus and himself statues. They definitely move like statues. Well, that was exciting.

Brakus is coming!!!

Here is a promo video the WWF shot of Brakus, introducing him to the unsuspecting public. Brakus says something about Hunter Hearst Helmsley for some reason, saying he's going to rip out his heart and throw it into oncoming traffic or something like that. As far as I know, we never got to see Brakus-Helmsley, which is a darn shame.

Brakus vs. Taz (ECW Cyberslam 1998)

ECW brought in Brakus as part of Lance Wright's war against ECW using WWF wrestlers. Brakus is accompanied to the ring by Wright, and WWF wrestlers Darren Drozdov, and Doug Furnas. The crowd chants "Steroids" towards Brakus, and rightfully so. I mean, I don't know if he ever did steroids, but as Terrell Owens once said, if it looks like a duck, talks like a duck . . . Taz comes out to generic sounding music, meaning that this video is obviously a re-dub. Brakus is described by Joey Styles as a world-class athlete, and Taz is described as a world-class miserable human being. Early on, Taz decides to stiff Brakus with some nasty looking crossface forearm shots. Brakus is undeterred, and powerbombs Taz. He then walks around the ring for a while before deciding to powerbomb Taz again. Droz sets up a table in the corner. Brakus tries to slam Taz thrrough it but WAITAMINUTE! Taz escapes, and T-Bone suplexes Brakus through the table. Brakus nearly lands on Taz's face after the move, which I imagine would have hurt Taz somewhat. Both men get up, Brakus tries a gorilla press, but Taz escapes, and deliveres a nasty looking German Suplex to Brakus, as Brakus landed on his neck. Taz hooks in the Tazmission, Brakus taps, and the match ends with Taz swearing at the camera. A short match, but rather hard-hitting, I would say. Brakus is never heard from in ECW again after this. Probably for the best.

Brakus vs. Savio Vega (Brawl for All 1998)

The Brawl for All was an idea that, well, sucked. The WWF, in an attempt to make their sport seem more legit, put together a 16-man tournament where wrestlers, most of which were curtain jerkers,  would fight for real. The results were a bunch of sloppy looking fights. In this fight, Brakus takes on Savio Vega, the leader of the Los Boricuas. In the first of three two-minute rounds, Brakus gets a crappy looking takedown, but Savio lands about 5 solid punches to Brakus' big head. The scoring is so stupid that they give Brakus the same amount of points for his one takedown that they give Savio for consistently beating upon Brakus and controlling the fight. In the second round, Savio continues his onslaught, breaking Brakus' nose at one point. The third round is largely the same. It's obvious that Brakus is not a trained boxer, as he landed no punches and kept keeping his hands down, leaving his face wide open. To Brakus's credit, he didn't get knocked out, as Savio landed some pretty heavy shots, but Brakus stayed up. Savio wins, and I believe this was Brakus' last activity in the WWF. Not the way you would want to leave, for sure.

So, there you have it. I just talked about Brakus matches. They were about as bad as I expected, but that's okay. Remember, if you have any ideas for future reviews or posts, or if you have any feedback on the Canon Review, than let me know via e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com. To end things, here is a video I mentioned earlier introducing Brakus.