Last week, I got a pizza from Pizza Hut. It was a large Meat Lovers pizza with Stuffed Crust. It was actually pretty good, which surprised me because the Pizza Huts around my area are hit-or-miss. I wasn't happy that we had to pay two extra dollars for the stuffed crust when their commercial explicitly said that you could get any pizza, any size, any toppings, and any crust for just $10 dollars. I mean, why do they have to lie like that. Bunch of crooks. So, to either calm or escalate my week-old anger, depending on how this goes, I'm going to watch a few old Pizza Hut commercials.
Our first commercial is from 1989. In it, a new delivery boy is being motivated by his trainer, I guess. He has to carry this pizza up a large staircase onto this old man's porch who has a stopwatch because by God, he wants his pizza on time. The trainer states that this task is harder because Pizza Hut's pizzas are loaded, and the kid seems exhausted due to this heavy pizza. Uh, it's only one pizza, so it can't be that heavy unless the toppings are bricks or something, so give me a break. Anyway, the kid makes it up to the top to the approval of the old man, who says, "See you tomorrow, rookie." For an old man who presumably eats pizza every day, he seems to be in good shape. I guess he works off those calories going up and down those stairs to get the mail.
Our next commercial is from 1986 and Pizza Hut is offering jugs, special jugs, but not ancient Egyptian jugs, but igloo. They show a miniature igloo, and the announcer gets all pissed off and says "Not an Igloo Igloo", this one, which is a half-gallon size igloo beverage cooler. For only $1.99 with the purchase of a medium or large pizza, you could purchase this cooler full of Pepsi. Also, any time over the rest of the summer, you can get a free refill with the purchase of a medium or large pizza. That's not a bad deal at all. I wish they would do that now. Then again, I only go to Pizza Hut about three times a year, so it probably wouldn't be worth it for me, but still.
Next is a commercial from about 2 years ago. Three guys are sitting around eating P'Zones when some guy named Mooch comes in the room, The guys simultaneously say "Mooch" and Mooch wonders, hey, what are those things you're eating. They say it's a P'Zone, which is like a calzone, only Pizza Huttier or something, and then go back to loudly enjoying their food. Mooch looks hungry, and tries to live up to his nickname, but is shot down instantly like the Trix Rabbit after some Trix. The announcer then goes on to explain that a P'Zone is a pound of food, kind of like a pizza, with cheese and toppings, only folded in half, because Pizza Hut figured there weren't enough high-fat food choices available, I guess. You could get one for 5.99 or two for 10.99. I've never had one, but it doesn't seem like that bad of a deal. Today you could get a cheese and pepperoni P'Zone for 5 bucks, but the Meaty and Classic ones cost 5.99 still. Anywho, the black guy of the group asks Mooch if he wants one, Mooch says yes, and the other guy throws the phone towards him, telling him to order up. What a bunch of wild and crazy guys.
We finish up this review with a Pizza Hut commercial from 1986. There's some string music in the background as the announcer goes, "At Pizza Hut, we make our pan pizza with dough made fresh every day, with pure mozzarella cheese, and only the finest toppings", and they show the dough being kneaded, the cheese sprinkled on, and so forth. The announcer goes one to say that if you are in the mood for pizza, then you should come in to Pizza Hut because we're pretty damn good (I'm paraphrasing, but that was his general message). I have to admit, the pizza looked very appetizing. I mean, I wasn't hungry before, but I'm getting there now.
So, that was fun, I guess. Next time I think I'll pick more annoying commercials, as this time the only real annoying one was the P'Zone commercial. There was nothing remotely funny or good about that one and I would never want to hang out with those bunch of jerks. So there.