I got up somewhat early today, so instead of doing something productive, I decided to go on YouTube and watch an old WCW Monday Nitro. This episode is from February of 2000, which means that it will more than likely suck. Here is a recap of what I saw.
- This episode takes place the night after Superbrawl 2000, which was highlighted by Tank Abbott holding a knife to his opponent and threatening to kill him. At least that was the highlight for me. The show starts with Mean Gene Okerlund in the ring, ready to welcome "this man", whoever that is. Lex Luger comes out wearing a FUBU shirt, which is the exact moment FUBU became uncool. Luger tries to not stumble over his words and complains that he should have beat Hulk Hogan last night. Hulk Hogan comes out, says he and Luger should wrestle tonight and that he came prepared with an "18-foot high steel cage" hanging above the ring. So Hogan and Luger in a cage is your main event this evening.
- They show a clip of Jarrett hitting a wheelchair bound Kevin Nash with a guitar last week. Jeff Jarrett and the Harrises come out with four women that they show on screen for 2 seconds. You know, if you're going to pay these women to show up, you could at least give them a few more seconds of air time. Anyway, Jarrett complains he should have won the World Title last night against Sid and Scott Hall, he's got stroke, blah, blah, blah. He pulls out a contract stating that if he didn't win at Superbrawl, he gets a 1-on-1 match with the champion. It was signed by commissioner Kevin Nash, the same man Jarrett clobbered just last week. Huh? Jarrett concludes by saying he's going to unleash the Harris boys upon WCW tonight. Oh no.
- Backstage, Kidman can't find his camera, while Madusa, wearing Tommy Hilfiger overalls, is mad over her lack of a match this evening. She blames Oklahoma, then destroys the white board with all the matches on it.
- We finally have a match, as the camera-less Kidman comes out to face Lash Leroux. Kidman lands on his head after a Lash headscissors. The match ends abruptly as the Harris Brothers run out. They beat up on the two cruiserweights, and give Kidman the H-Bomb, which according to Mark Madden destroys everything within a 20 foot radius. How a crappy double choke slam can be that destructive, I have no idea. Anyway, the Harris brothers walk to the back yelling about something. Meanwhile, Kidman's camera catches Buff Bagwell trying to hit on The Maestro's girlfriend, Symphony. Buff is rejected, and tells Symphony not to mention any of this.
- Vampiro comes out, he lost to Kidman last night. Out comes Finlay in gray camouflage, and we have a match. The match is wild and wooly, as Finlay bashes Vampiro's throat into a chair on the outside. They get back in, and Vampiro takes the advantage. At one point, he basically dives back first into Finlay in some sort of reverse Thesz press. Vampiro motions for the Nail in the Coffin, but Finlay stiffly clotheslines him. Finlay however, gets rolled up after missing a charge into the turnbuckle, and Vampiro wins the match. Finlay does not like this turn of events, and tombstones Vampiro.
- Backstage, the Maestro is beating up on Buff, Buff is unhappy that The Maestro hit him in the face. Meanwhile, La Parka is reading a newspaper when Madusa propositions him.
- Mean Gene interviews Booker, who's upset over losing his music and his T (seriously, he lost the letter T to Ahmed "Big T" Johnson). He says he's ready for war against Big Vito. Vito and the rest of the Marmalukes come out. Disco is confused, because in the space of thirty seconds, the match has been changed to Booker vs. Disco Inferno. Disco then changes the match to a handicap match, Booker vs. the Marmalukes for their World Tag Team Titles. Booker answers by cracking Disco in the mouth, and the match is on. So we have one man fighting for the Tag Team Titles. OK then. Booker wallops on everybody for 90 seconds before Disco throws him off the top rope for the DQ. The Marmalukes are stomping on Booker. To make things even better, the Harris Brothers come out. They destroy the Marmalukes and give Disco the H-Bomb, then deliver an H-Bomb to Booker. The Harrises stand strong. Why WCW would put this much effort into building up a Tag Team that nobody would ever buy a ticket to see, I'll never know.
-To the back, where Mean Gene is standing with Terry Funk and Dustin Rhodes, who have a match with the two biggest bad asses in WCW, the Harris Brothers. Funk and Rhodes promise victory. Sid is shown, and says something in a psychotic voice. We get a recap of the Harrises' butt kicking tonight, and Harlem Heat 2000, with Big T in a pink jumpsuit is interviewed. Stevie Ray is not bothered by Booker's beatdown by the Harris boys, and Harlem Heat 2000 promise dominance or something.
- Oklahoma comes out as the WCW Cruiserweight Title Match graphic is shown. Everyone's favorite wrestling parody will be joining us for commentary. The Champion, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea, comes out to ripoff of Purple Rain. It sounds better than most of the other theme songs. La Parka comes out, apparently he has lost 100 pounds and got breast implants. WAITAMINUTE! That's Madusa, who dresses as La Parka to anger Oklahoma or something. Oklahoma comes into the ring, unmasks La Dusa, only to get a few weak slaps for his trouble. La Parka comes out and hits Oklahoma with his chair. However, the Artist hits La Parka with another chair, and misses his finish (a jumping DDT off the top rope) for the three count. Well, that was a whole pile of suck. Where are the Harris Brothers when you need them?
- Ric Flair is with Luger while he trains. Flair says Luger is going to end Hulkamania before he gets cut off by the entrance of Terry Funk and Dustin Rhodes. The Harrises come out to the nWo theme song with Jeff Jarrett (apparently, they were the only three members of the mighty nWo). Jarrett blesses us by joining the commentary team. The Harris brothers beat on Funk for a while. Funk finally gets the advantage, but one of the Harrises knock Dustin down before Funk can tag out. Funk is not deterred, and puts the other Harris in a spinning toe hold. That gets Jarrett off the headset (thank God) with his guitar, but Funk meets him at the pass. Sid comes out to even the sides, and Jarrett hits some black guy with his guitar because, well, he had to hit somebody. Sid chases Jarrett off as Funk finally tags Rhodes in. Rhodes turns on Funk with a DDT because, well, why not? Jarrett speeds off in his car while in the ring, Rhodes brains Funk with a steel chair.
- Backstage now, Gene is interviewing Buff, who says he will get ruff with The Maestro. Meanwhile, Rhodes is beating up Funk outside as Funk was about the get into the ambulance. Rhodes gives him a few shots and Funk is left lying. While the paramedics are checking on Funk, Rhodes gets into the ambulance and drives off. Yep, Dustin Rhodes STOLE AN AMBULANCE! That's gangsta right there. Gene is in the ring, and he brings out Sid for an interview. Sid complements Jarrett on his wit, but promises to rule over him at Uncensored, where Jarrett's rematch will take place. Sid promises Jarrett that he will see him in hell, and hell will be Uncensored 2000. Sounds about right. Meanwhile in the back, Booker and Kidman are being separated from the Harris Brothers by security, and Ric Flair complements Dustin Rhodes for turning on Terry Funk, saying to Gene that tonight, Dustin Rhodes became a professional wrestler.
- To the ring, where we have Buff vs. Maestro. These two have no chemistry whatsoever, as Buff nearly misses a neckbreaker due to Maestro taking it too early. Buff takes control, then goes to the outside to talk to Symphony. This enrages the Stro, as he charges towards Buff. But Buff moves, and Maestro runs into Symphony, bumping her against the ring steps. Symphony sells the ring steps as if she's Hulk Hogan, and gets right back up. The Cat comes out, which distracts Maestro and the production team, as they miss Buff's blockbuster which ended the match. The Cat says that, since James Brown showed up last night at SuperBrawl, the Maestro must change his music due to a bet the two had. The Cat plays' Maestro new theme, which sounds like Notorious B.I.G. if he had Down's Syndrome. Maestro is angered by his new music, and chokes out the referee before the music stops playing, placating Maestro.
- Sid gets in his limo and speeds off to give chase to Jarrett. This despite the fact that Jarrett had a twenty minute headstart and Sid's in a limo. I guess it goes to show that Sid is dumb. A video package from last week's Saturday Night is shown, highlighting Janitor Jim Duggan's TV Title defense against Robert Gibson, and Lord Steven Regal's challenge to Duggan, saying that if he can't beat Duggan for the TV Title, he will retire from WCW. All of this for a title that Duggan found in the garbage.
- Hey, it's Bam Bam Bigelow. He comes to the ring, and The Wall jogs behind him and attacks Triple-B from behind. Bigelow threw a lot of moves at The Wall, including a top-rope headbutt and an enziguri, but Wall kicked out of every last one of them. Wall catches Bigelow on the top rope, and chokeslams him off for the surprise victory. According to Tony Schiavone, "The Wall is awesome!" Whatever you say, man.
- Hogan is beating on the side of a steel mesh fence, repeatedly screaming Luger, Luger, Luger. Hulk Hogan is psychotic, brother! Meanwhile, Ric Flair tells Arn Anderson and David Flair to step up their games. Why, I don't know. Anderson and David just stare blankly with the same bewilderment in their eyes as everyone watching at home. Gene is back with Hogan, who declares that he will be the man that escapes the cage, what ya gonna do, yadda, yadda, yadda. Flair and Luger are walking to the ring when they see Hogan's manager Jimmy Hart, getting water. They decided to push Hart into a bag of popcorn.
- Luger comes out with Flair, and they take turns kicking Jimmy Hart's ass down the entrance ramp. They beat on him some more until the show goes to commercial. When the show comes back on, Flair and Luger are still delivering a beating to Hart. Hogan finally comes out, there are a few chairshots and blow exchanged, nobody sells anything, and finally Flair is sent to the back and Luger and Hogan are in the cage. Hogan takes advantage, using his cast (due to Luger "breaking his arm") to his advantage. Luger takes advantage after slamming Hogan's head into the steel, and delivers his weak looking blows. Luger got Hogan up for a vertical suplex, and then puts Hogan in the Torture Rack. As Luger is about to walk out of the cage, Hogan Hulks up, and starts peppering Luger with blows. Flair comes out, chops Hogan to no avail, and gets the ol big boot leg drop combo. Miss Elizabeth (Luger's manager at the time) sneaks in a chair while Hogan continues the beatdown of Flair and Luger. Hogan takes off his weightbelt, but Luger finally sees the chair and smacks Hogan in the back with it. Flair takes the weightbelt and whips Hogan with it. Security comes in to try and break things up, but Luger takes care of security head Doug Dillinger, and then "breaks his arm" by weakly stomping on a chair which has Dillinger's arm in between the back and the seat of the folding chair. The show ends, with no man escaping the cage. How hard would it have been for Luger to quickly walk out to win the match? Did they really have to end it in a no contest? Stupid WCW.
Overall, this show was only good from an unintentional comedy standpoint. The best match was probably Vampiro vs. Finlay, and that match was short and sucked anyway. The Harris Brothers were in four different segments even though nobody in the history of wrestling has ever given a crap about them. The best part of the show was Dustin Rhodes stealing an ambulance. I'd give it a 2 out of 10. Remember, if you have any ideas for future reviews, then let me know at KtheC2001@gmail.com. Review ideas can be about anything, even oven mitts.