Canon Wrestling Review: WCW Monday Nitro: April 17, 2000

This post comes thanks to one of the new features on blogspot, the stats menu. One of things that you can do with the stats feature is find out which search terms led a viewer to your blog. Well, according to the amount of people who have ended up here searching for the Wendy's Triple Baconator, I take it that a lot of people are hungry. Anyway, I saw that some reader ended up on the Canon Review because they searched for WCW Monday Nitro: April 17, 2000. So obviously, somebody wants more information about that particular show, so I figured, why not watch this here episode of Nitro and see how it is. Since it takes place during the Bischoff-Russo era, I have a strong feeling that it will suck, but I've been surprised before.

- It's the night after Spring Stampede 2000, and as such we get a minute and a half of still shots detailing last night's show. A lot of crap happened and Mancow wrestled Jimmy Hart, that's all I remember from that show. Your idiots in the booth tonight are Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, and Mark Madden. A whole bunch of confetti and red balloons drop from the ceiling, and security guards are shown blocking the main entrance in order to block the Millionaire's Club  from entering. Great, take the only people in the company that can draw off the show. Good strategy. Anyway, here comes Russo with his New Blood champions, Chris Candido (Cruiserweight Champion), Buff Bagwell, Shane Douglas (Tag Team Champs), and Scott Steiner (United States Champion). Russo gets on the mic, tells Jim Ross to kiss his ass, than introduces the new World Champion Jeff Jarrett, who also wishes for JR to smooch his backside. Jarrett expresses anger at not being asked to star in Ready To Rumble, which wouldn't make any sense since Jarrett was employed elsewhere at the time the movie was filming, than challenges Diamond Dallas Page to a Triple Cage Match straight out of the movie, which I'm sure everyone has seen at least 25 times, as it's just that great. Anyway, Eric Bischoff comes out with DDP's wife Kimberly, and the two go on to explain why Kimberly bashed her husband in the head with a guitar last night. Apparently, Kim is sick of being in DDP's shadow, and states that she's the real star of the Page family. Russo keeps talking while we cut to the parking lot, where DDP is calmly told that he's not allowed in the building tonight. DDP does not respond kindly to this, knocking out the unarmed security guards and heads to the ring. There's a riot squad around the ring, but they let DDP in without resistance. DDP gets a couple of shots in before the 5-on-1 advantage gets the best of him. Here comes the riot squad, and they start beating up the New Blood with nightsticks. They take off their helmets, and holy moly, it's Ric Flair, Sting, and Lex Luger of the Millionaire's Club! Who saw that coming? I think everyone did. Not the worst way to start, but it took a little too long to get going.

- To the back, where Bischoff chews out a group of New Blood wrestlers for not helping out earlier. Booker T takes exception, and the two exchange words before Booker and the rest leave in a huff. Hulk Hogan calls up Bischoff, and threatens him with a beating in five minutes. Shawn "The Perfect One" Stasiak and Curt Hennig wrestle each other in the first match of the evening. Ms. Hancock is out, for reasons unknown. Hennig hip tosses Stasiak a couple of times, but Stasiak uses punches and two body slams to take advantage. Hennig rolls out, Stasiak gets too close and Hennig pulls him out of the ring. Hennig chops Stasiak and bounces him against the guardrail and the announce table. Hennig sees Mark Madden, and does what any reasonable man would do and throws a cup of water in Madden's face. Unfortunately, the water does not short out Madden's mic, so I still have to hear him talk. Back in, Hennig Cartwheels out of an Irish whip! but Stasiak grounds Hennig with a clothesline. Stasiak uses a suplex to get a 2 count on Hennig, and goes to Irish whip Hennig, but that gets reversed and Stasiak ends up eating a kneelift for his troubles. Hennig with a running clothesline that catches both Stasiak and the referee. Perfectplex from Hennig, but there's no referee. While Hennig gets up to check on the ref, Stasiak digs out some brass knuckles out of his kneepad, and uses them to knock out Hennig. A Perfect Plant (kind of like an F-5, only Stasiak falls forward on his face instead of back) finishes Hennig off, and Stasiak gets the upset victory. Useless match that had no heat and did nothing for anybody. 1 out of 5.

- To the outside, where Hulk Hogan is surrounded by policemen blocking him from the building. Hogan gives the cops a Super Mega Stare, and the cops meekly back down for fear of suffering the wrath of Hulkamania. Apparently, Rockford, Illinois has the wimpiest police force in the United States. Hogan enters the building, seems to wander around as if he doesn't know where the entrance is, and the camera cuts to Stasiak stomping away on Hennig. Hogan, having found the correct way to go finally, comes out, saves Hennig from Stasiak's stomps and throws Stasiak out of the ring, and then we break for commercial.

- Back in the ring, Hogan has a microphone. He goes on about how he hasn't lost a step and is still the top dog and this and that, and challenges anyone in the back that wants to take his spot to come on down and get some. He then starts using his real name while running down Bischoff and Russo, so you know it's a SHOOT~! Hogan, or Terry Bollea as it were, claims that he has more heart than any other wrestler in the back. Well, that's sure to make him some friends. Hogan calls out Kidman, but Kidman shows up on the bigscreen and challenges Hogan to come back to the parking lot for a fight. Hogan rushes out, but he doesn't see Eric Bischoff and the notorious white Hummer. Uh oh.

- Mean Gene is with Jeff Jarrett, who has decided to put an open contract out, and the first New Blood member to sign it gets a shot at his World Title tonight. Hopefully it will be Shannon Moore. Jarrett then concludes the interview by calling Mean Gene a "Jurassic Slapass". Hey, that's my nickname! To the ring, where the Wall is going to wrestle Terry Funk for the WCW Hardcore Title. Yes, Bischoff and Russo's master plan to get the Hardcore Title is to send out The Wall. Funk slams a chair against the Wall's head to begin the match. Wall shrugs it off and throws Funk over the top rope out of the ring. Wall grabs the chair and heads to the outside, but takes a low blow. Funk uses the chair across the Wall's back, and climbs to the top rope. Moonsault press by Funk onto Wall, but that move didn't go quite as planned as Funk nearly lands on his on the outside. Ouch. Wall's up first and delivers a big boot to Funk. The two get on the announce table, and Wall piledrives Funk on the table, but it doesn't give at all and the two just fall off the table. Wall drags Funk around the outside, throwing him against one guardrail and slamming another guardrail against him. Further back, Wall finds a round cage, and uses it to slam the door on Funk's head a couple of times. Wall seems to be in control, until a bunch of tables mysteriously fall on Wall and knock him out. Funk puts a table on the Wall, double foot stomps through it, and gets the three count. A somewhat entertaining spectacle that was ruined by a crappy ending. I'll give it a 1.4 out of 5.

- To the back where Kronick demands a shot at the World Tag Team Titles tonight, but Russo denies them. Meanwhile, somebody signs Jarrett's contract, and when Jarrett sees who it is, he's not happy about it at all. Who is the mystery opponent? I bet it's The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea. Mean Gene is talking with DDP, who promises to gain revenge on Eric Bischoff for stealing his wife and will leave Mike Awesome laying tonight.

- Bob Probert's in the crowd tonight, watching the Mamalukes (Johnny the Bull and Big Vito) come out. In the back, Kronick is beating up the Harris Brothers, who were supposed to wrestle the Mamalukes but now they can't. What a shame, Kronick comes out instead and brawls with the Mamalukes. Full Nelson slam by Adams on Vito. Johnny the Bull does a flat-footed jump from the ring to the top rope, turns around and jumps back down, but eats a Bryan Clark chokeslam for his efforts. An F-5 from Adams onto Vito, and both Mamalukes end up taking Kronick's High Times finisher (double choke slam) before Adams gets the mic. He states that whoever faces them will end up in chronic pain and living a chronic nightmare, and Russo better give them a title shot or he'll find out what a chronic nightmare entails for himself.

- Vampiro comes out and grabs a mic. He says that Sting knows nothing about pain and that last night at Spring Stampede (where he came out from under the ring and dragged Sting down with him to presumably issue a beating) was only the beginning. At Slamboree, Vampiro promises to devour Sting. That starts Sting's music in the lights go out. The lights come back on just as Sting finishes his descent from the ceiling. Sting beats on Vampiro with his bat for a while, giving Vampiro a lesson in pain, as Sting put it. Sting finishes off with the Scorpion Death Drop to leave Vampiro laying in the middle of the ring. Sting proclaims WCW is his turf before leaving once again. Well, that made Vampiro look like a chump, building very little interest in their match at Slamboree since Sting just got his revenge right then.

- Hogan is still looking for Kidman, and asks some kids if they know where he is. Meanwhile, Jarrett moans and groans to Russo about his title match tonight against the mystery opponent. I bet it's Wade Barrett. DDP comes out as a fan holds up his book, Positively Page, which had recently come out around this time. His opponent is Mike Awesome, and the two waste no time as Page connects with a tornado clothesline and starts beating on Awesome in the corner. Irish Whip to the corner, but Awesome is able to springboard off the second turnbuckle with a back elbow, which almost gets a three count. A big splash from Awesome also gets 2. Irish Whip by Awesome, but Page is able to deliver a floatover DDT which also gets a two count. The two exchange clotheslines, and Page catches Awesome with a Uranage slam for a 2 count. Page eats a back elbow and goes to the outside, allowing Awesome to deliver a springboard lariat to the floor. Man, Awesome went a long way on that move. Awesome tries to give Page a standing splash against a guardrail, but Page moves and slams Awesome in the back with a chair. The announcers take this time to commentate about WCW's new lax disqualification rules. Back in. Page charges in with a chair, but Awesome slams his foot into the chair and into Page's face. A forearm to the chair in front of DDP's head sends Page to the outside. Chris Kanyon runs in, which gets a disqualifaction only half a minute after they talked about the new WCW's policy of letting fights go on. Kanyon takes a German suplex for his efforts, and Awesome goes to get a table. Kevin Nash's music hits, and Awesome waits for him to come to the ring. Instead Nash comes out of the crowd and attacks him from behind, before powerbombing Awesome through the table. Match was rushed, but if these two had 10 minutes they might of had a good match. Instead I'll give it a 1.5 out of 5.

- Tank Abbott is here, hopefully to beat up on Mark Madden again. Mean Gene is talking with the Tag Team champs, Shane Douglas and Buff Bagwell. What an odd combination. Bagwell and Douglas talk about their opponents at Slamboree, which are Lex Luger and Ric Flair, respectively. Douglas then calls Luger a jackass and challenges him to a match tonight, which Luger accepts, provided Vince Russo does not interfere. Tank Abbott is coming to the ring, and Mark Madden is throwing a fit for fear of taking another Tank beating. Abbott puts Madden in his place by yelling "Don't even look at me, fat ass". Ha, of all the wrestlers in the world, Tank Abbott is one of them. Tank goes on to explain that once again, until Goldberg comes back to face him, he will beat up another innocent person. This week's victim was to be part owner of the Chicago Blackhawks Bruce MacArthur, but before Tank could get started, Blackhawks' tough guy Bob Probert (perhaps the best fighter in NHL history) leaped over the rail and saved his boss. Security came out to break the two apart before anything could happen. Such a shame, because it would have been interesting to see those two go at it.

- Hogan asks Terry Taylor, who just arrived about 90 minutes into the show, where Kidman is. Taylor leads Hogan in Kidman's direction, and the fight may finally happen soon. Jarrett is informed by Russo that his mystery opponent still wants the match tonight, which greatly displeases Jarrett to the point where he calls Russo J.J. Dillion. Well, obviously that means that Jarrett's opponent will be Ole Anderson. Lex and Shane Douglas are out to have their match. Luger starts by punching Shane, and than spends the next minute or so using kicks, punches, and turnbuckle smashes all over Douglas, making the Franchise look like a jobber. Douglas finally gets a Russian legsweep and chokes Luger with a piece of tape. Irish Whip into the corner by Douglas, he charges, only to eat a boot to the face. Luger with a series of clotheslines, which brings out Buff, Buff comes out with his music and pyro going off during the middle of the match, distracting Luger and allowing Douglas to take advantage. Luger ducks a clotheslines and runs off the ropes, only for Bagwell to grab his foot. Luger drags Bagwell to the apron, but a low blow sends Luger down. While Bagwell preoccupies himself with Luger's manager Miss Elizabeth, Douglas whips Luger into the guardrail, near a fan with a Sting mask. The fan attacks Douglas with a bat, and reveals himself to be Ric Flair. The two go to beat on Shane inside the ring, and the ref calls for the bell. Russo comes out to drag off Douglas, and the three go to the back arguing about something. You know, for a show that is promising the promotion of the young guys, the young guys are sure taking a butt-whooping on this show. This was no different. I'll give it a 0.6 out of 5 and hopefully I'll forget that I ever watched this match.

- Hogan has finally found Kidman, after 1 hour of looking for him. He starts kicking Kidman's butt before Torrie hits him with a 2 x 4. That doesn't faze Hogan, so he grabs Torrie by the throat and backs her up against a post before Kidman makes the save. Kidman gets two punches on Hogan before Hogan just annihilates Kidman, throwing him against the wall and a plastic cart a few times before yelling that he will kill Kidman. Bischoff is seen hiding in the corner while Hogan picks up Kidman and throws him into a dumpster. Hogan sees Bischoff and goes after him. Bischoff goes in the Hummer, but it won't start, so he takes off up the ramp and out of the parking garage. Hogan decides to get in the Hummer and remarkably, it starts right back up. The hell? He then proceeds to ram the dumpster containing Kidman with the Hummer three times, which is probably illegal in most states. Hogan takes off in the Hummer up the ramp, presumably to commit vehicular homicide on Eric Bischoff. God, this is stupid. Kidman is then rescued from the dumpster and put on a stretcher by medical personnel. 

- Jarrett comes out to wrestle the mystery opponent. That man could be none other than Josh Hamilton. Oh wait, it's Scott Steiner, accompanied to the ring by three of his 'freaks', I suppose. The match starts, and Steiner goes to work on Jarrett in the corner. A clothesline and elbow drop follows by Big Poppa Pump, and Steiner then slams Jarrett with a gorilla press drop. After Steiner whips Jarrett into the corner, Jarrett gets the boots up into a charging Steiner, and starts stomping away at his opponent. Cross body block from the top by Jarrett, that gets a two count. He follows up with a dropkick, but Steiner reverses an Irish Whip and then catches Jarrett on his shoulder as Jarrett leaps in an attempt to dodge Steiner. Slam into the corner by Steiner, followed by a choke while Jarrett's in the Tree of Woe. Belly-to-Belly gets two for Steiner, and after the two exchange low blows, Steiner gets the advantage and puts Jarrett in the Steiner Recliner. Out comes Booker T, who scissor kicks Steiner, drawing the DQ and saving Jarrett's title in the process. Booker grabs Jarrett and says, "you're welcome, punk". That makes for the third DQ of the night, when the announcers had been talking all night about how WCW is going to let their wrestlers fight. Match wasn't long enough to mean anything and wasn't all that good anyways. I'll give it a 1.2 out of 5.

- Hogan's in the back with a pipe, he finally finds Bischoff, and Bischoff takes off running all the way to the ring, Hogan backs up Bischoff in the corner and starts threatening him, when Bret Hart comes out with a chair. Hart swings the chair, but the show goes off the air before we see who he blasts with the chair. Hopefully it's both of them.

This show was 31 flavors of suck. The matches didn't go very long, the interviews tended to drag, and their was way too much Hogan walking around cursing backstage. Plus the show did nothing for the New Blood except make them look like chumps, especially Kidman and Vampiro. This was just one bad wrestling show. I'll give it a 1.8 out of 10, and I recommend nobody go back and watch this tripe. Well, thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for blog posts or reviews, or thoughts about this post, let me know about them either by e-mail at KtheC2001@gmail.com or by leaving a comment.


Kidman & Hulk Hogan Brawl 17.4.00
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