Tuesday, April 13, 2010

WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE! and other bad sports commercials

Sorry about the lack of activity yesterday, I just started a new job and it was given to me on rather short notice, so I had a lot of paperwork to do and other stuff, not to mention working, so I just didn't have time for The Canon Review yesterday, my bad. Today's post was going to be about top comedians or something about Elvis, but that all changed when, for some reason, I decided to watch this commercial from a few years ago:

Wow, there was a lot of testosterone in that commercial. I know what they were going for, but it was just so over the top that it ended up being goofy. Just a bunch of yelling and screaming and macho, manly-meaty stuff here in this commercial. Of course, my favorite part is the end, where the UnderArmour team (I didn't know they had a team) were standing around in a circle, and their captian, I guess (which, btw, was former NFL Defensive End Eric Ogbogu) was yelling "WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!" My least favorite part, by far, was seeing Ralph Friedgen (the coach in this commercial, and the University of Maryland Head Coach in real life) in a skin-tight shirt. No thanks.

So, in tribute, I have decided to try and find some other bad commercials dealing with sports. Let's see what we can come up with.

The Michael Vick Experience

The idea of this commercial was simple, a ride based off of Michael Vick. It was less than accurate, as they didn't have the customer underthrow his receivers, or bankroll a dog-fighting enterprise, but it will have to do. It's not a bad commercial, but I would say it's inaccurate because Derrick Brooks was one of the defenders, and if this were real life, than Brooks would pick off a Vick pass and go eighty yards for a touchdown, because that guy used to own Vick. But I don't think there were be many people clamoring to get on that ride. Also, I wish somebody would have told Vick to speak up, because you can hardly hear the words out of his mouth.

Pete Rose Aqua Velva Commercial

Pete has a bit of a reputation for doing anything for a paycheck, whether it's by putting his name on a brand of sausages or getting beaten up by Kane at Wrestlemania or by making commercials like this. The commercial starts out with Rose at bat, when a fan yells out at Rose, asking what kind of aftershave a man really wants. I'm going to try that the next time I go to a ballgame, even if it's a little league game or something. From there, it goes from bad to worse, as Rose, the fan, the umpire, and the young popcorn vendor start singing about Aqua Velva. Rose does most of the singing, if you can call it that, and the only good thing about this commercial is that it's short. well, that, and it's camp value, I suppose.

Mike Schmidt Chevy Commercial

This is definately an 80s commercial, just listen to the background music. Anyway, Mike Schmidt is helping demostrate the toughness of the Chevy Work Truck. How, you ask? By hitting the grill of the truck with a baseball bat. Even though Schmidt is one of the most powerful hitters of all-time, he cannot dent the grill of the truck, because it's so damn durable. I somewhat dispute this claim, as it looks as if Schmidt is too close to the truck to get a good swing at it. Schmidt goes on to say that his lawyers wouldn't let him hit a Ford Truck in the same way because, "you know why". Yes I do, it's called vandalism. The commercial ends with the jingle "today's truck is Chevrolet" Well, if you say so.

Tiger Woods Nike Commercial from last week

There's only one word I have to say, and that is ugh. That's not even a word, but it sums up my feelings on the commercial perfectly. In this black-and-white commercial, Tiger is staring at the camera while a voiceover of his late father is played, where is presumably talking to Tiger about his recent transgressions.  At best, this commercial is creepy, and at worst, it is completely exploitative. I really don't know what the heck Nike and Tiger's agents were thinking with this one, so watch for yourself and see if you can figure it out.

Well, that's it for now, although I probably could have done 20 more. Perhaps one day there will be a sequal, but until then, thanks for reading, and if you have any ideas for future posts, than let me know about them in any way possible.


  1. WHAT THE FUCK!!?!? How in the fuckin hell is that a commercial. Tiger's dead daddy talking from beyond the grave about his infidelity? Yeah...I suddenly have the urge to buy 40 pairs of Nike shoes.

    This is why I hate tv, media, marketing, etc. Because they don't have to put any effort or make any sense, and they are still rich fuckin bastards.

  2. Oh yeah, what is this new job you are speaking of? I need details.

  3. I know what you mean, man. Every time I see it that commercial just gets worse and worse. But enough about that.

    As for the new jerb, I work at Wal-Mart in Hartwell as a temp. Basically I help with the installation of the cable in the whole store, so cashiers and computers can work and blah, blah, blah. There are two people working on this job, myself and my boss. So far it hasn't been too bad, as my boss is a pretty cool guy, and has been patient with me as I learn how to do all the things with the job. I wasn't crazy about climbing a ladder, though. It's hard work, but it pays well and it's from 9 p.m. to 6 a.m., which is fine by me. Plus, I get weekends off, which is also good.